I have raised 9 children. Our "baby" is almost 13, and what I can tell you is that every child is different, and has there very own personality that they are trying to develop. What your child is going through is not abnormal. I have a child that is 17 now, that we have raised that "is" ADHD, and In my own opinion your daughter does not have this. If she did...your letter would have been a whole lot longer, believe me. In my opinion, your daughter is just trying to develop her own personality at the moment. She will "test" you, to see exactly how far your limits go. Billy above is right, she needs you to be her parent, but yes, she also needs a friend. You want to develop that closeness with your daughter as she is considered "pre-teen", before you even know it, her friends will be the most important thing in her life, and have more control than you know...and if all you have ever been is the disiplinarian...then where will momma be in all of this. You can discipline lovingly while still letting her know that you are firm on the way things are going to be, and there is no changing the rules. You want your little girl to feel that she can come to you, and talk to you no matter what. You can tell her that, and she can repeat it back to you...but she has to feel it in her heart or she will go to her friends...and that is what you DON"T want her to do. I believe that your daughter is simply going through a "stage" right now of trying to figure out where in this big ole world, she fits. She may be "dawdling" at the moment, but I guarantee you while she is doing it, she is thinking. You don't need to go behind her, set consequences for her actions. We tried to bring up our children to know that there are consequences for every action...good and bad. for instance..."you have a chore this evening. If you wait to later to do that chore, and you do not get it done before bedtime...then you will have "2" chores tomorrow because you did not get yours done." I also had a few that did not care if certain "privileges" were taken away either...but i guarantee you that there "IS" something she does care about! You just have to find it. And you will. Give her a "time limit" to say...brush her teeth. Tell her she has 15 minutes to get to the bathroom and get her teeth brushed, and then do not say another word...(and I know that this is hard when you really want them to do something), Check on her in 15 minutes. If in that time she has not brushed her teeth, then send her to bed.....(action & consequence), but before she goes to bed you tell her that you are sorry, it is too bad that her teeth are now going to be dirty all night long, and with the way she is going, her teeth will be rotted before she goes to the prom...if you really want to make a lasting impression, take her to the computer, go to google and pull up images of rotten teeth, and show them to her right before bed. She will soon see that "brushing her teeth" is a privilege, not a chore, and its for HER best benifit...It won't hurt "you" for her to have a cavity that throbs, or for her friends to laugh if her teeth get bad...then let her stew. This time, if she did not make her time limit...do not let her brush her teeth before bedtime, and she will think about it. Before you know it ,she will be doing it on her own without you saying a word. I think that your daughter is going to be fine...and I think that YOU are going to be fine. Sometimes I think raising children is just "strategy", and "trial & error". I think that my momma and grandma were right...by the time we figure out exactly how its done...then they're gone. Everybody makes mistakes, its only human. Just try to keep your cool, resist the urge to "nag" her...don't put yourself through that....and trust that the Lord is going to lead you in the path you need to take, to make her be everything he put her here to be. You will do fine, I guarantee it!
Good luck to you and your daughter.