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TheMysticWave
TheMysticWave, Parent
Category: Parenting
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Experience:  Single parent, with profession, raises model son with ease & pleasure. I offer sound advice.
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5 year old receives X-box from court approved estranged father along w

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5 year old receives X-box for birhtday from court approved estranged father along with over $300 in other presents, I feel it is buying his way back into his life and a manipulative emotional tool, it will only cause trouble once he knows where it came form and it is solely his at 5 years old, courts have deemed him unfit for visitation and phone visits after heroin drug abuse and felony assualt (not the first time in the childs life) How should we handle this, so as the child is not feeling that Daddy is back?!?! WE don't even allow him the letters he sends because he blames not being able to see his son on everyone else in his letters, "Shame on them" I feel it should not be used as a birthday present but a new family item that he can be involved with and he dont need to know where it came from as he has no contact or communication with his father in over 6 months ( not the first time either). When he is old enough to understand we can explain the situation and it will be his at maybe pre teen age is my believe. There are tons of stories of what this man has done to hurt and manipulate both the child and is mother, and sometimes even me. The father has a history of serious mental illness and drug abuse and is a AIDS positive individual who uses that for a feel sorry for me, he has explained already to one pyschologist that he can manipulate his feelings to overcome life obstacles and cry at will and make people feel sorry for him due to his condition, VERY SICK MAN, although he is cleaning up again, he does this every 9 to 12 months or so to try to gain respect back, has no friends or acquaitances older than his last run. He regains new friends and then burns them all in the end, over and over for the last 6 years that I have know him. Child also is being treated for anti-social disorder believed to have an autistic anti-social disorder that is believed to match his father's personality along with ADHD and being treated with some positive results, but still has very strong manipulative skills for a 5 year old.Soem advice, am I right to keep his father in the closet, after all it is the court and the guardian ad litum's wishes.
Stepdad
Submitted: 11 years ago.
Category: Parenting
Expert:  becat replied 11 years ago.

 HiCustomer


Your not wrong in sharing this gift with the family. Your stepson is much too young to have the power over who could play with it. It would surely cause more problems to allow him to control it. Not only that, families share. Your building a family, not a your's and her's house. 


With all that is involved, I think have enough on your hands without one person being singled out in such an unhealthy way. If the court orders the gifts to be delivered, take them. Your idea to share them as a family is correct. It's up to you and your wife when and how these gifts are revealed.


It's difficult to have someone so negative and toxic that legally can be apart of your family. It's added pressure on you to do your job as a father, knowing that trouble is always near. Stay focused on your family unit, accepting that you knew the path would not be easy. If it helps, every family has it's issuses. Those of us that are combining families have a few extra. Outside influences that can pop in as they choose to. It's our job as stepparents to stay the course and be sturdy. Provide an example that the child can trust. Your, for practical purposes, this boys father. I doubt you would do less for him, than your other children. Be proud that you know your place with him and are working to raise a solid adult. 


As for his father, there is no way around his involvment, unless the courts rules otherwise. He's a problem at best, XXXXX XXXXX is your stepson's father. That gives him rights. As long as you follow the court orders to a minimum, but legally. You and your wife can work around him for the most part if he's never around. Seeking advice from a professional about when and how to explain this to your stepson. It will help to have someone with experience with his special needs. Giving you and your wife a way to explain or at least ideas about how to go about it. There's no shame in asking for help with something this large. Sounds like you both are working hard to help him grow into a good man already. Your stepson will have to deal with all of this one day, he's lucky to have a father that care so much in you.


I wish you all the best. It's the future that makes this all worth it. Don't let anything get in the way of your hard work in building a family. Regardless of his bloodline, he is your son. His mother your wife. Together you are a family, your hard work is priceless for the future.


Best wishes and good luck.

Expert:  TheMysticWave replied 11 years ago.

Greetings:


Please know that I am a legal secretary/paralegal with 29 years experience in the State of California.


With a court order for the father to stay away, that is one thing....but, it is not healthy strategy to deprive the child of anything else that is being presented by the parent. Regardless of what the mental state of mind is / criminal act concerning the father...he is still the child's father and the child has a right to know - which can be presented in an appropriate manner. So many times, the single parent and other family members will claim that they are only doing certain acts to protect the child...but, in the long run, it turns out to be harmful. For the child grows up with hate and resentment and major psychological problems.


Absolutely abide by the court's order, keeping the father distant, but do not deprive the child of a gift which should be viewed and explained to the child that it's a sign of love and compassion from the father. Certainly, no one would go to such lengths in offering a gift if they didn't have a heart. The father may in fact have some problems and the mother and others concerned may have hard feelings...but that doesn't mean that the father's supposed problems and others' supposed hard feelings need to become the child's. Allow the child to receive a token from his/her biological father. The letters do not have to be presented at this time. Also, if ever it comes to the point where the father is allowed to see the child, monitored visits can be arranged - even for 15 min. As much as there is distaste for the father, knowingly, if it wasn't for him, partly, the child wouldn't even exist. Depriving the child of any such thing by the father - as the child gets older and eventually discovers the truth, will only put negative thoughts in the child's head about self.


My very best to you, the child and your family/loved ones.


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave

   
Expert:  TheMysticWave replied 11 years ago.

Greetings:


Perhaps I misinterpreted your question concerning the actual gift received. I am under the impression that this is a child's gift, hence my response. If this is an adult gift, then certainly not.....until such time the child reaches the proper age. I apologize if I did, in fact, misinterpret your question. However, I still stand on the fact that anything presented to the child by the father (appropriate in age, of course), should be given to the child with proper understanding, as stated above.


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Response to TheMysticWave's Post: I am not new at children and divorce matters, I have a 19 year old daughter and a 17 year old son from a previous mariage, the daughter is so ashamed to talk to me at all because of the things her mother lied to her about when she was young about me, that I never even remotly done or would have thought of doing, in fact telling her I did not pay child support when she received almost double what the courts made me pay. ( My wife kind of went through the same scenario and her father was a law enforcement officer and now retired and they are the best of buds now, the mother committed suicide when she was 18) the son lives with me because he was smart enough not to buy into the crap his mother lied about,(his mother nevr even contacted him for 2 years whiel he started living with me and now she does the same BUYS and GIVES him money and other then that he really don't care to see her. I am very experienced parent, I helped turn this four year old, then 3, now going on five, child around when he spit in peoples faces (teachers, pastors, mothers, mine, grandparents) and would run right out a open door into traffic and laugh, and this is before he lost contact with his father. His father would laugh at them types of things, so don't try to convince me this father has any love in his heart and as far as legally, the father has no rights right now, PERIOD !! Please remember the child already has emotional and pyshological problems, also the father ( has spent four trips to jail, two halfway house and one looney bin) during the childs five years of life, and hardly drew a sober breath during the child's life) won't even pay what he owes the mother that he promised he would except when he NEEDS something (such as the acceptance of presents), and also lives in a halfway house for free but gets disability of about $1200 and claims it is all spent on food and clothes, more than we as a family of five spend, but wrote in a letter to his son he bought 3 brand new guitars. As far as the guardian ad litum is concerned HE WANTS THE FATHER TO HAVE NO MORE CONTACT EVER !! The presents are not of affection they are only because he has no other way of showing the child he supposbly loves him,(as it is what he thinks is love) which is really not love. Love is unconditional, he always sets conditions (as there is a hearing next week), which if he really loved him he would have shown up on his visitation days when he had them instead of going out and strong arm robbing a 100 pound lady for more dope money, there is a lot to the story that is not disclosed, this man showed up at a counseling appointment and told his son he had to move away, come to find out it was to a place where he could probably grow marijuanna again and not get caught ( after we found out he was growing in his attic again and called DES on him), as he has plenty of times and has been arrested for, how come he is not in prison is beyond me. The child knows nothing of the father's whereabout's or anything, and that is the way the guardian ad litum wants it. We feel very strongly about any such opening to his father as the child turns dramatically hateful, and starts doing things that are unspeakable just with the mention of his father. Of course the father turns everything around as he has in his letters and probably will if he does get the 15 minutes alone with him, which a pyschologist already said will happen and the poor child belives everything the father says, even the most profound lies, like he missed the bus and got stabbed was what he told him when he went to jail for strong arm robbery. Believe me we already made up the mind that the presents go without name at least for now, when the child is old enough to understand he will know the truth, just like I waited and told the truth to my kids when they were old enough to understand. We are looking for reasonable answers from someone who has experience in a very troubled young child, not one who goes on opinion and law, because basically just the thought that the law has to go through such detail to keep a 4 time felon, dope fiend, mentally challenged person away from a child is beyond me. For instance, the child came home once from a visit with his father and had lost 6 pounds, from 40 to 34 pounds in 3 days, not till later did we find out he did not eat a meal the whole time he was there, except for a few measly snacks, while the father was passed out on the couch from heroin. Your sound advice sounds like more out of a self help book then from experience or a sound knowledge of dealing with a mentally deranged person.
Sorry if this sound like an attack, but i would rather the child be 12 or 16 or 18 for that matter and know the facts then to have brought up the man's name now and watch the unthinkable again. Have you ever dealt with a child that will spit in your face, because that is what he saw his Daddy do to his Mom. The world is not a pretty place sometimes and you have to protect the innocent ones from the ones that corrupt, because the law has a lot of flaws.
If you have never dealt with a situation like this how could you offer this opinion. And DEPRIVE, did you know this man spent almost $1000 a month on his marijuana when the child and the mother went without necessities for the short time she had to spend with him before she could ge away. Including her bank acount when she did try to leave him to buy mor ePOT of course, thiw time over $850. He in my mind will never pay back what he has taken from this child and his mother. And I am willing to bet you nor would he want to.
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Response to TheMysticWave's Post: Think about it X-box and a five year old !! I think you are out of line, please do not respond
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Response to becat's Post: Good response, we are waiting to hear some more but this is the best out fo the two so far
Expert:  TheMysticWave replied 11 years ago.

Greetings:


I thank you very kindly for your response to my post. I am truly sorry for the situation. My prayers and thoughts are with all concerned.


I would have to say that the most appropriate way to deal with your situation/question is to consult with any and all authorities/psychologist/psychiatrist that are already aware of the case.


Please know that the information I provided in my response was partly from my years of experience as a legal secretary/paralegal....the other part was from my own experience with life, being exposed to children who have suffered severely. Besides the law in your situation, for which the father is not allowed to see the child at this time...and that the ones responsible in taking care of the child is abiding by same, by what you have stated though, it appears that it comes down to the fact, "to each his own"...how the guardians wish for the child to be raised.


However, sadly enough, I have dealt with far worse things in my life for too many years..I have been exposed to severely troubled children (not my own, thankfully -- my child has never had any difficulties), but children from acquaintances, children from friends, children from when I owned my own business for 20 years, children from my legal experience in family law and criminal.  


Personally speaking, I don't believe in hating someone for taking the wrong path in life, making mistakes, having problems - no "ONE" in life is perfect....but, don't get me wrong, this doesn't necessarily mean that I condone one's actions for disobeying the law or hurting another. Certainly though, I don't believe that a child should be deprived of a connection with their biological parent(s)- however, in your case or cases similiar, there is an order stating that no visitations are to be at this time, that's understandable - but, I honestly do not see any harm in allowing a child to receive a gift from their absent parent(s) as a form of "connection" that helps with establishing one's self (meaning the child's self)....and it can be done in a very constructive/positive manner...which is with the assistance of the guardians for the child.  


I believe that everyone deserves a chance - no matter what God awful thing they have done in life...but, I'm not saying that, in your case, the child should be exposed to the father, especially since, once again, there is a court order. But, if an adult - one who is supposedly mature, deprives or brainwashes (by the ugly truth or otherwise) a child against their own biological parent(s), there's a very strong chance that there will be disturbing consequences in the long run....for as the child gets older, they will be dealing with identity crisis, perhaps harboring resentment, hate for their parent(s) due to past actions, for them not being in their life while growing up, etc. Yes, this is my opinion as this is from my experience - not "textbook" theory.


Presenting a "gift" to a child from an absent parent(s) truly does psychological good, regardless of the "wrongdoings" of the parent(s)....for a gift, in itself, shows caring, love and compassion.  If the adults who are caring for the child can embrace the child with care, love and compassion, as well - then the child grows up to be psychologically sound/stable. Perhaps sooner or later the absent parent(s) will come back into the child's life - but, if handled maturely, the child will have been properly taught to be accepting - and will be psychologically sound in which to handle any such encounter with the absent parent. The most important factor which many adults overlook is that children are born pure and innocent - it's the way one is raised that defines how we become as adults.


You do not have to agree with me, for this is certainly your prerogative - yet I offer my response which is based on my years of experience dealing with emotionally disturbed children and adults - very extreme cases....Hate gets one nowhere....but Love heals.


I also believe that one should do what feels right for them (what resonates with them)...not just because of what someone else believes - certainly, one's voice is merely an opinion...thus, everyone has their own opinion, there are many to go around.


With all my heart and soul, I do wish the child...and all concerned the very best...


Many bright blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave


 

         
Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Response to TheMysticWave's Post: maybe you shold have a child of your own go through something like this, maybe we could add the father has a 170 pages of arrest reports and a rap sheet, 6 pages long and that does not include the 3 charges he got while in Fla for 3 months, maybe you should see this child excrement in his pants when he knows that DAD is around or being talked about, the counslers felt best to abadon any idea of mentioning the father because it only brings out very disturbing behaviors in this child, children are individuals, throw away your textbook and go spend some time with a very deprived child, then tell me to forgive the idiot who made choices to destroy his child's life and then turns around and trys to regain the trust. ONE, I don't hate, I protect. TWO, I don't resent, I judge, YES, that's right, if a person does nothing but hurt people all his life he does not deserve my forgiveness, as in most cases they will do it again. Your opinion is based on slight contact with clients, not everyday living with a horrible parent/child relationship. What would you do if you found a 3 year old sucking ont he end of a bong that was left out by his father, obviously the child knew what to do with it, he had seen it, there are certain people in this world that do not deserve the compassion and understanding I would give to a person that showed remorse. This person continues to hurt with lies, deceit, propaganda, and what is really going to be sick is to hear a judge this afternoon when he tries to explain why he is motioning for a re-hearing on the grounds he could not be there because he was in the hospital, when he was on house arrest and was present telephonically from home. My believe in this whole case was give him the rope as much as he wants, eventually it will be too short. He has already fooled several professionals and now at least tow of them have written affidavits that his man does not deserve any contact or anything else as he has deep social and psycgological problems, and is a danger not only to those around him but himself.
THROW AWAY YOUR TEXTBOOK AND REMEMBER THERE ARE THOSE OUT THERE THAT DO NOT BELONG AMOUNG SOCIETY, THAT IS WHAT WE HAVE PRISONS FOR
Expert:  TheMysticWave replied 11 years ago.

Greetings:


I thank you again for kindly responding and again, I am very sorry for your situation.


I'm very sorry but I do believe that you have truly misinterpreted my responses.....especially the one preceding this post. I have not responded based on textbook theory, my responses are based on years of personal experience dealing with emotionally disturbed children and adults.


I'm not here to tell you 'WHAT TO DO"......I offered my suggestion based on my experience....and I know that you must do what you feel is truly right in your own heart and soul - all of us, 6 billion plus people in this world, must do so. I truly feel for your situation and the child's and all concerned in your situation...I'm certainly not out to hurt the child...or you or anyone.


I do wish you the best.


Bright Blessings.


Peace, Love & Happiness,


The Mystic Wave

Customer: replied 11 years ago.
Response to TheMysticWave's Post: All I am saying is that your personal experience is based on meets with ths type of children, we have basically fired two PROFESSIONALS based on their suggestions that were self inflicted harm to the child, ONE lost their contract with the State because of the ill advice they gave. My point is if you havn't lived it, your point is mute and textbook. It seesm almost you have empathy with a man that has committed over a dozen crimes and should be considered a postive role model,and that he loves a child because he buiys a present that is far too much for a 5 year old and will basically deprive him of the basic tools and education he needs. Like I said in the past we had 3 complaints to DPS and they did nothing, even after two of the complaints WERE FOUNDED. It's a sad day when we have people who wish to provide empathy in a professional manner to a long time criminal and person who has no regard for others including his own son. There are many that roam our streets that should be serving years in penal facilities where they can no longer cause harm to those who are innocent, here's another fact that may be shocking to you, he had planned to kidnap his child and the law did nothing about it, after it was proven he had it all planned out. He has stooped so low, even the grandfather of the child on the mother's side, (retired law enforcement, DEA, City Prosecutor, Level 5 Instrucor in Weapons and Tactics, and many more to his resume) believes the man has no right to even walk a street, because of the same fact that has happened over and over, SOMEONE WILL GET HURT AGAIN BY THIS MAN, ANYBODY THAT STANDS IN HIS WAY OF GETTING WHAT HE WANTS ! I would have to believe your comments were in good taste, but the fact remains, professionals are quick to forgive a man that can show he can show himself trustful for a short period of time, they always seem to dismiss the idea, that his reord shows that he has done this since a early age, including B&E Medical Facilities, Falsifying Class 4 Prescriptions, Assualt, Strong Arm Robbery, Various attempts of suicide, and there are many more. Thanks but we are far from relying on professionals now, mostly instinct, history, and advice that clearly see that criminals SHOULD HAVE NO RIGHTS, regardless of their sperm donations.

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