Hi i am writing here today because i cannot feel the way i have the past 10 years anymore.I want an improvement, i dont know which doctor can help because ive tried ALOT of things, but i hope i can get some kind of good answer today. Ok so, i will do my best to make a summary everything that is important. First thing, back in high school i was bullied very badly, daily psychological torture.(i never had any anxiety that i could feel as a disorder however) Eventually I graduated high school and started working at mcdonalds.(this was very stressful too). A few months later i eventually got vertigo and i quit mcdonalds(bad dizzyness). From then on i started to develop anxiety but i tried talking to a psychologist(it helped but the more i spoke to him the more my anxiety came out.) I think its important to point out most of my time in school including primairy, i always couldnt think of much to say,(social or otherwise). Now, to go back to the anxiety, it got worse over a year, i tried cipralex(AD) and it slightly reduced the anxiety, but i had to increase the dosage over time, eventually i reached the maximum dose and it didnt work at all anymore(it never did much though in the first place). So then after getting some derealisation and eventually depersonalisation, AND racing thoughts i went to see a psychiatrist. He immediatly gave me a 25 mg seroquel pill to take for all that. When i took it it did miracles almost immediatly. It improved my mood dramaticly(couldnt stop smiling) brought out my positivity, my anxiety was almost gone, i could see better(pictures had more deep beautiful detail.. especially black and white ones, like in a japanese manga book called dragon ball), my dissociation went away and finally the racing thoughts were much less bad.(oh also i could think and feel my personality like never before, including always thinking and being able to talk and think of things to say easily and withought any effort at a relatively good speed) Then a few days later he gave me 50mg of it, i felt all those things but even better, my racing thoughts completely stopped. However about 2 days later i got a psychosis. It was a horrible experience, and everything changed from then on to the next 10 years(till this very moment). The useful thing to know from the psychosis is it lasted a few days before it settled down, however as it went on i had some weird symptoms. Stuff like my skin looked weird,(that was confirmed by some person that looked at my arm, i remember in my haze what that was.it was all weirdly shaped like scaly(i know its weird).) I also couldnt concentrate or focus or even think clearly, and if i tried too much to do anything of those, i felt such enormous anxiety I was entirely paralyzed. Also when i focused on anything at all i could feel tremendous "negative" anxiety making me feel extremely sick with a massive pressure in my head.The worst part, is People gave me the worse anxiety, the more people I saw or was with the worse i felt, in the worse of the psychosis it felt like a storm of anxiety thoughts or so coming from the person i focused or just looked at. After the psychosis got calmed down i felt better, (not entirely out of it) but i was stuck at home for the next 2 years or so, and it barely improved following those years until i reached along the fourth year after psychosis. I am saying, i could barely go outside for 2 years because if i saw someone it made me feel so anxious i couldnt bear it. I couldnt play much video games(that i always liked to before i got sick) withought also feeling awful for a while, however the TV, radio, and everything made me feel awful especially the first week after all this happened or so. Eventually i only felt horrible(anxiety x1000) depending on the amount and the who of people that came to visit, and
the tv got less bad(i had to watch some i couldnt do anythin). I literally spent 1 year sitting on the couch, looking at tv, because even stepping outside(at first) made me super sick. Also my psychiatrist had given me risperdal(doctor still kept me on seroquel too though) which at least kept me slightly stable(but feeling just as bad), and finally i had rivotril(clonazepam) when needed. I was anxious 24/7 and if i tried to focus on something a bit too much it made me feel extremely anxious. In the beginning i couldnt even put in a nail or so, it gave me enormous anxiety in my stomach and i couldnt function at all. Finally, when i changed psychiatrist things started to improve dramaticly. He gave me abilify, took me off risperdal, gave me some omega 3 capsules. I improved alot(anxiety lowered, mood improved, general functioning improved,) but eventually i got too much anxiety again, then i was given epival(to potentiolize seroquel and abilify) and i felt better. About a year later though, one day i was obssessing over some stuff and i fell into massive anxiety again. I was then given paxil. This, again helped alot with the obssessing,anxiety,phobia, etc. Over the years while i tried different medications(along with many self help things, therapy, cbt, synthroid for thyroid, Mri, EEG, many natural products like magnesium, N-A-G,coq10, vitamine B12, , tried essential oils for relaxation, some alternative therapy like reiki, some stuff helped but most of it didnt.(or wasent a long or permanent help). Finally TODAY i am in a particular position. Ive been with my second psychiatrist for the past 6 and a half years or so and while ive greatly improved there is still a dramatic space for improvement. Bascily, today, i am functioning at a high level(for me). These are my meds: Seroquel 575mg, abilify, 17 mg, synthroid 0,1 , epival 750 mg, pindolol 5 mg, 3 capsules omega 3 a day, vitamine B100, and finally the most recent Remeron 30mg. I also had taken Paxil in the last two years or so, but i stopped it two weeks ago and took remeron. I realized that allll my anxiety (today) is only from my sickness(its a symptom).
The most recent development, me and my pdoc stopped treating my problem as an anxiety issue on its own, or with psychosis or even with aspergers(he diagnosed me with aspergers a few years ago, but extremely high functioning with a slight understimulation problem..meaning he "thought" that was one of the reasons i never could think much of speaking or being myself back in school(which i disagree also because i liked being with people anyway). Today, since i stopped paxil and started remeron(both antidepressants), my anxietys much lower, i can think more clearly along with better concentration, i feel more like myself, my mood is good, i can feel lots of my motivation from before 10 years ago(before my psychosis) my muscles are more relaxed and less tense, i can go to the bathroom less constipated, i can focus withought significant issue.
Finally, TODAY i am however still sick, but i do not know or understand why as i have tried MANY tests and things(blood test,eeg,mri, redone mri and eeg recently with nothing abnormal). I almost know everything about my sickness today, except what it IS. Long story short I have seen a psychologist,psychiatrist,neurologist(all withought any obvious issue outside of what i said) and of course a normal doctor a long time ago(although today i am still anxious 24/7 just alot less). So what is this sickness? I know the triggers, and the symptoms. First, video games are by far the worst, i cannot stand them, they make alllll my bad symptoms come at once and the more i played the worse they get.Today, (with remeron and my anxiety therapy completed), i feel very good in most ways. So i know that if i encounter a trigger i feel the awful difference right away. If iI play a game heres what happens: Anxiety gets x30 times worse, my mind gets foggy and blank, unable to focus or concentrate as much, difficulty thinking at all, mood gets down, feel a bit dizzy,muscles tense and hurt, motivation and willpower get blocked,vision gets blurry, my eyes look messed up(like small and weird). The worst part is all these symptoms are cumulatitive, the more games i play the more all these accumulate proportioanently over days and days. The oposite of all this is also true, the least video games i play the least these symptoms are present and intense.(up to a certain extent i think, like a month).
Unfortunatly the only trigger dosent seem to only be video games,It seems to make me more sensitive however to those symptoms. In all I said the worst is not being able to think clearly. I often cannot think at my full potential(or anywhere near it). So, ive been on remeron foat 30mg for a week now, i feel kinda better but my symptoms are still very variable and flunctuating(not the effect of medication on its own, its whatever is happening in my brain or so(my sickness i guess). Heres the main issue, i mentioned video games(normal tv is ok though) as a trigger, also if someone makes fun of my appearence (i know i look fine but i was deeply bullied for my appearence in school) OR if I suddenly doubt myself i can fall back into these symptoms almost instantly, and they stick. I can out of nowehere get super anxious, my eyes get all small, cant think, everything i mentioned in video game trigger, yet i am alone in my house looking at pictures i took of myself that i didnt like on my phone. Thats some triggers, games,my appearence opinion especially. But even if i do something like, play guitar, focus alot and read alot, etc. I feel weird and kinda dizzy/anxious. It dosent last that long though for those other triggers there. Everything I am feeling since i fell sick 10 years ago has been almost non existent before that.So does anyone have an idea of what might be happening? I seem to be a mixture, psychologist.psychiatrist,neurologist,autism expert, etc. i hope someone can help me out, thank you for reading !