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Hi there, of course! I'm here now.
So, you had one great night, where you both connected, and then... later you had a time when you felt a bit pushed off, correct?
You don't WANT to be hopeful? You'd rather be hopeless? Sometimes that is true, of course, when things don't work, they are fully broken. But certainly not all the time. That doesn't necessarily apply to everyone.
These kinds of things are very painful. It is so difficult to go through the kind of unknowns and worries of rejection and drastic changes from things you had planned to be so different.. What if it is fully broken? That is a possibility, but not a certainty. And, even if it IS fully broken, that doesn't mean it is beyond repair. BUT, again... that is not the step you're at now. You're still in a stage where you're evaluating what is going on, and what options you have to intervene.
Can you tell me more about how your relationship has been in the past? Does he tend to be a leader? Do you tend to be in more of a submissive or leadership role? How were the early days of when you first met?
Aww. What a tough scenario! Good for you for thinking about it so meaningfully and carefully. That shows how much you care!
Have you had an open discussion with him about your feelings and thoughts and worries?
It sounds like he has his own fair share of stress and difficulty going on in his life. How do you think he would respond to a scenario where, while still staying together, you did more of your own thing, and he did his own thing? Not in a "separation" sense, but more in a "taking a break from pressuring one another" sense. of course, there are times, in relationships, where one or the other partners feels like the other partner is less of an alleviation of burden, and more of an extra burden. Does that make sense?
I see. That's very important information, and helpful, thank you for sharing!
What about other ways of connecting? Have you tried providing foods, massages... presents/special treats, etc?
Our discussions seems to have focused on sexual concerns, but is that because you feel like there are no areas other than sexual connection that need support?
Wow! All this other stuff all sounds really sweet and nice and good! Re: work vs home mom, I think that depends very much on the relationship and the individuals... I think some men are sensitive to the pressures I was referring to before, where they feel like the only busy/working one, and want the other partner to leverage some weight too... but, of course, there are men who want a partner to dote on them, and they want to be the sole bread-winner.
There are very real effects that stress and thyroid cancer, and the stress and subsequent death of his mother, have on his hormones. The kids also play a part, and I would imagine there is some component of you and your own sexuality and libido (usually related to childrearing or pregnancy or after-birth period) that are perfectly normal.... but not quite the sexual prototype that men sometimes imagine when they think about a woman and marriage. So, there can sometimes be an adjustment period there.
In our last conversation, I listed several other options for ways you could reconnect sexually. Are there others on the list that seemed feasible for you?
Sharing pornography, a trip to an adult store, role playing, trying new locations? Have you taken vacations together, where it's just you two?
Well, cancun seems nice.. I am always going to be an optimist, unfortunately.
I think, almost universally, that where there is a will, there is a way. It's not always easy.
I think all of your specific solutions are going to be available to you through communication with your husband. Have you considered therapy? Is that something you think he would want?
ok... let me think..
the tricky part to calculate is the effect of his stress and the mix of permanent stress (being a physician) and temporary stressors (the sickness, coma, death, mourning, stress of your sexual dysfunction)
I think there is a safety net built into the marriage itself... the formal agreements, the financial entanglements, the threat of loneliness within divorce... all of those kinds of pressure push reasonable and educated people away from divorce. That being said, 60% of marriages do end in divorce. educated and non-.
I would say that if you're very committed to trying to get it back, and put in the kind of effort that you seem to want to, and give that enough time, I'd say there's a 75% chance that things will work out.
A lot of what you're telling me is very positive, although I certainly hear the magnitude of the impression that the sexual rejection has on you.
I think you're such a motivated woman, and seem so caring and invested. I think it will work out. I'm happy to be there, to hep by your side along the way, if you'd like.
yes, in time. and with considerable effort on your part too.
I have some books I could recommend that may help, and some techniques that may interest you. I think if you put some effort into mastering certain relationship skills, you could help turn up the desire between you.
Although I'm sure everyone can always improve that aspect of a relationship, my experience and education has pushed me into a space that involves mostly interpersonal skill improvements. The ways we interact with people have a deep and profound impact on our sexual relationship.
Especially for men, physiologically, the hormonal input to achieving an erection depends on the man being excited and stimulated, but also relaxed and comfortable. A small percentage of that is simply sexual stimulation, but a much greater percentage, again at least in my view, has to do with his brain.
I think a complete change on environment would be a very very stressful experience, and may make things worse initially, but would likely hlep in the long-run, provided you are working on things which may not have been working beforehand.
I understand your despair. I'm so sorry that it feels so horrible.
it sounds like the plan to move houses and locations is very stressful too... another terrible, but still temporary stress.
I think it would make more sense for us to have a phone call or a skype call.
what do you think?
tomorrow works for me.
oh. that's thanksgiving. perhaps the day following? or over the weekend?
What strikes you as a reasonable option, for your mood and his recent moods? Do you think he would respond to a night of special attention on him, the way he responded with oral sex ?
don't feel stupid... it's a very difficult situation, and you feel many levels of pressure. This is unfortunately very common... and a horrible situation. no reason for you to feel bad about your difficulty with it.
yes, you do deserve some time. I agree. and the part of him which loves you and married you... also agrees. But, that part may be preoccupied, or overwhelmed... and not available to give you the part that you need.
If he told you not to pressure him, that's exactly what I would suggest doing.
things which could be perceived as pressuring him are only going to drive him farther away from you, while he's dealing with whatever it is he's dealing with.
would you like to speak on the phone?