Thank you for your question today, I look forward to assisting you. I have nearly 20 years of legal experience in various disciplines, including JAG.
Even if it is bias, it doesn't legally matter. When you are married, you are not legally permitted in the military to have a girlfriend.
A commander can legally place a no contact order against you being with the girl friend and it is a legal order, because it is an order to refrain you from engaging in an illegal act.
They don't need your wife to press charges. That's not how military law works. They simply need some evidence that suggests that potential for the commission of a crime and then they go forward with the investigation.
Your wife can't give permission for it. The military still has a legal interest in stopping what, in it's books, is a crime.
Now, do I think this is stupid? Yes, it sort of is. A commander should be able to take into consideration that your own spouse doesn't care, but there isn't a law that requires it. That's why I said that it may be bias here, but that doesn't legally matter. On issues of a 'no contact' order and the review for it, all they have to do is show a legal justification.
There is a legal justification here. You are married. You have a history of a relationship with the girl friend. That is not legally permissible in the military, period.
I really wish that I could tell you differently here, but I'm not going to deal in false hope. Unless and until you are divorced, your command can keep the 'no contact' order in place.