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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Licensed Professional Counselor Certification was verified on or about December 2010 by a leading third-party verification service.View the Terms of Service section on verifications
how do I get over a longterm obsession?
ATTN: KATE McCOY Hello Kate: My previous questions on this site provide a lot of the history regarding my mother, my brother and my husband's ex-wife. What I am writing and about relates to my mother and the ex wife mostly. My brother's role relates mostly to my father's favouritism toward him. In the past few years I have been feeling the effects of my parents' treatment toward me. My mother abused me emotionally my entire life (and sometimes it was physical). My father's abuse toward me was in the last decade of his life, but the treatment was so horrible - sending me, on a regular basis, denegrating letters to me eg: in one letter he said 'I hope Matthew (my son) grows up to be an alcoholic'.(my husband is a recovering alcoholic) Basically telling me what a horrible person I am, when I attempted suicide in my 20's he wrote "I should have let you die".To show you how sick my family is, I also received similar letters from my brother. Years later my brother told me that our father wrote them and put his name to them, and my brother didn't stop him! My mother always sent letters every time I did or said something she didn't like. I don't miss any of them. I have email contact with my brother because it is not worth telling him why I really don't want a relationship with him. He gets so abusive it is not worth it, but I keep my distance. the pain of all this ( and many more incidents, all mean) is now hitting me hard. It started slowly about 2 years ago. I thought just not having anything to do with my parents would be enough and for a time it was. I am also feeling deeply the pain of not having any parents. My mother is still alive but I would never even consider having anything to do with her. Even my son has nothing to do with her now that he is an adult. I did not influence him at all because I knew that unless she changed he would come to the same conclusion as I did. All this overlaps with my husband's ex. She is very similar to my mother: very self centred and selfish and underhanded. My stepchildren wanted a relationship with my son and then had almost nothing to do with him except once or twice a year. they referred to him as 'my brother' but certainly didn't treat him that way. Their mother I am certain was at least partially responsible for this, although my stepchildren are in their 30's and don't live in the same city as their mother. I am giving you this background because my problem is complex and troublesome to me: I have, in my mind, replaced my mother with my husband's ex,not as a mother figure. She represents all the troublemaking that my mother caused and she is mean like my mother unless it is in her interest to be otherwise. I believe that, like my mother, she gets some perverse satisfaction from hurting others. It is deliberate, not like most of us, who inadvertently hurt people because we can all be thoughtless and selfish at times. And she always has to be in control of a situation, even if it appears she is not. this is a very troublesome problem for me. I think about her and her facade and what she presents to the world vs. how she really is. It is what I think of more than anything. My mother was exactly the same as her except unlike my mother, ex-wife gives the appearance of loving her children (and now grandchildren). My mother doesn't even pretend to give a darn. and my step-kids act as if she is the greatest mother in the world, while totally abandoning their relationship with my son. And with social media, it is easy to find out what you have been excluded from. I don't know if the term 'transference' applies. I have looked this up, and it sounds like this could be my problem. Having these constant thoughts bothers me so much because I know it is really my mother this is all directed at and my father to a lesser degree. He didn't mistreat me my entire life, but the last years totally negated any good that he did. My entire family(?) have always acted with a sense of entitlement and always, always the victims. I hope you can help me sort this out. It is literally driving me crazy.
I should also add that I don't really fit in anywhere. I don't relate to people and don't know how to maintain lasting friendships. My parents were both popular and well-liked and had many close friends. How did they create someone like me? The only irony in all this is that my spouse's ex an outsider. She has no friends, either casual or close. I have seen her facebook account because she asked my son to 'friend' her. Of her 30 odd connections, almost all of them are her childrens' friends. This is another aspect of her I find very odd. She is up to date on her daughter's and son's friends current activities and they seem to allow and encourage it. some if what I have just told you may not be relevant to my reason for writing you, so I will stop here until I hear back from you.
I quit my job a few months ago after working nights for almost ten years. I found the nights tiring and I gained a lot of weight and had high blood pressure from working in a toxic environment. There was no work/life balance as I had no social life working straight nights. My employer said my work was outstanding. I have applied at other stores but there is no day time position available at the moment. Many years ago I worked in a kitchen/restaurant for only one day and quit at the end of the shift. I remember the boss saying how many days a week would you like to work. I said I'm sorry I do not feel this job is for me. I would like to find cleaning work. Part of the reason I did not like it at the restaurant was I worked 7 hours straight without a break and my co worker blamed me for vacuuming and I did not even vacuum. I was also afraid of not doing the job properly at the restaurant. The lady who rented a room to me years ago said the restaurant was not for me. A few days later the store called. I went to the interview and got the job about two hours later by a phone call. I have been trying to look for a day position at other stores but there has been no work available. There is a great chance I can work at another restaurant in the kitchen. This is the only job available at the moment and I need a job to pay the rent and utilities. I am afraid I will not like it again and I am afraid I will not do a good job.
How do I get over the fear of trying new things?
I am afraid I will not do the job properly. My sister said there are a lot of people who do not do their job properly. A family member said I will not learn a new job in a day or two. The lady who rented a room to me many years ago said I will have some bad days so don't quit over it. It would be nice to have other skills instead of just working as a store clerk. Thank you!
Only Kate to answer please!