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LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 546
Experience:  10 years post-MSW experience
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Leah. Please don't use my name in your response. Feeling

Customer Question

Hi Leah. Please don't use my name in your response. Feeling very suicidal. Please respond as soon as you can
Submitted: 11 days ago.
Category: Mental Health
Customer: replied 10 days ago.
Please
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 10 days ago.

Hi! Suicidal?? I am here to help but I have to advise that you immediately go to your nearest psychiatric emergency room for support. Please tell me more. Do you have a plan in place?

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
Thanks Leah. The material is sexual in nature. Ok to proceed?
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 10 days ago.

Yes.

Customer: replied 10 days ago.
Ok basic summary is as follows. Everything has been great and then the other night while my wife and I were having sex I foolishly asked if it "felt big." She hesitated for a moment and said "yes." Of course I say foolish because I have no problem with my size or our chemistry but I was just looking for some feedback because I was feeling stressed and not my usual self. My wife is very honest to a fault and replied later after I asked why she hesitated. She said well it didn't look as long as usual but it didn't feel shorter that usual. Actually She first said it didn't feel shorter than usual. And of course my brain heard "you didn't feel shorter than your usual shortness." She said the two thoughts in her head were you didn't look as long as usual but you didn't feel short and it came out "you didn't feel shorter than usual." Anyway It feels easier just to hook up the tailpipe to my running car through the window and go to sleep. What do I do? It feels like irreversible damage. The worst I've felt. This pain is overwhelming
Customer: replied 10 days ago.
Hello?
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 9 days ago.

Hi, Let's keep this in perspective! Your brain is taking on a whole crazy anxiety road with her response, and unfortunately, as you said clearly above, your interpretation of what she said is n't actually what she said. Anixety will do this - it is prone to allwoing for easy misinterpretations sdo your job is always to steop back and seek the ?"obhectiuve" or fact-based piece of the puzzelt hat anxiety cleraly ignores.

Here would be some of the facts that you need to pay attention to

- You "have no problem with your size or your chemistrty."

- things have been "going great".

- you have an active and healthy sex life with your wife

- Your wife said it felt the same as it always does.

- you suffer from anxiety/OCD whi make you sometimes overly sensitive to these sorts of issues

- you were feeling stressed and not your usual self.

- Men's erections vary in size from time to time as part of your moral sexual response

- You have felt this bad before, and perhaps worse, so while the pain this time feels catastrophic, you have conquered such blows before and are able to do so again.

- Can you add more????

I hope you know fully that considering permanent responses to your temporary anxiety flare would be a very poor choice, considering the family you would be leaving behind. So don't let your anxiety"win" by even allowing it to contemplate such acts. When you do, simply push those thoughts aside rather than giving them any allowance to run free, noting that you feel bad but can and will overcome and life will go on and be good again. Remind yourself that you are very strong but also afflicted with some conditions that can quickly lead you astray, but that you won't let them take you down a path of utter despair because you choose to lean on facts and kleep your anxiety in check in doing so.

This is tough one and a tough disorder that inevitably has a cyclical nature. I absolutely promise you that this immense pain is REVERSIBLE and will fade, even though it can take some time. Don't shut down now - keep talking to your wife about how you feel and always always keep yourself safe, running to the nearest emergency room if you don't end up pulling out of this. Keep your phone nearby too, 911 is minutes away and can protect you from doing something that is simply not a justifiable response given the actual events that occurred recently. \

HANG IN THERE - this will fade!!

-Leah

Customer: replied 8 days ago.
Thanks for your response Leah. Your words really calmed me yesterday. Especially when you said "you feel the same as you always have to her." Today I woke up pretty depressed again and feeling like what's the point of living. Part of my depression is that I recently conquered almost 20 years of chronic pain that was a result of my ocd. During this mental anguish I've managed to stay pain free which is a major blessing but I feel almist like my pain before was a defense mechanism I used to control my ocd and anxiety and now that's it's gone my anxiety and ocd are out of control with this issue. Fact is I have always felt perfect and well above average. I have always gotten attention for my looks do I have probably put to much stock in my appearance. I am 6' 3" and a muscular build and always enjoyed the game of "playing the field" when I was a single man. I was not necessarily a womanizer so please don't misunderstand me. Like after a one night stand I would feel guilty and send the woman roses the next day because it was more about relationship to me try than just sex. Now that I am married I am more mature and my wife embodies everything I love about women. She is perfect. I did feel perfect before this "you didnt feel shorter than usual." She was a virgin when we got married And there was full disclosure about my past and as far as she was concerned I was the biggest and best in the land. But since we've been married I have felt driven to educate her that while I am well above average there is bigger out there trying to maybe see if bigger would be better for her and maybe in inspire her "curiosity." She has reassured me over and over again that she is not curious and loves our chemistry. But Im sure my experience with porn in the past (not something I am involved in now) has altered my world view about size, pleasure, and sex and I am obsessing about sex. I told my wife I wish she could just have sex with a bigger guy and then tell me honestly how it was. I know sex is more than what I am describing but I once watched a porn documentary style video where a woman and her boyfriend were casually contacted in mall and given $1000 if they would agree to let the woman have sex with this well endowed man. While the boyfriend and girlfriend were hesitant they agreed and then what followed was her complete enrapture and she described in detail during the event how "worth it" it was to agree to the meet up and reassured her boyfriend during the act how amazing it was but that she still loved him. That episode really screwed me up in the mind. Not sure your psycho analysis take on this but I would really appreciate it considering I feel at an all time low and that my wife craves something more based on the sentence "it didn't feel shorter than usual." Or it it's usual shortness... I feel like Im a love addict or relationship based on this article:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/healthy-connections/201012/how-break-the-pattern-love-addiction%3FampHelp!!
Customer: replied 8 days ago.
Pretty much the only feeling that makes me feel better is getting a penis enlargement from this dr :.
http://www.drelist.com
Customer: replied 8 days ago.
Also something that is reassurance that she is telling the truth is after the birth of one of our children my wife tore and was sewn up tighter then when she was a virgin and she didn't enjoy sex as much as after our next child when she tore and chose not to Be sewn up and she enjoys sex much more...Just thinking it through
Customer: replied 8 days ago.
Trying some exposure therapy along the lines of the mantra: "ive always felt short" but I didnt feel shorter than usual.Certainly helps the suicidal drive
Customer: replied 8 days ago.
Leah do I need to start a new thread?
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 7 days ago.

Hii I am glad you got back to me and that this has proven a safe place for you to get some thoughts out. I apologize for the delay- just been more tied up and tired then usual. It definitely sounds like your insecurity and OCD is manifesting here and taking aim at the size of your penis. Often, one single event (the porn you watched about the mall event) can be enough to get a thought stuck even though that was fiction. I also respect your awareness that the thoughts have a root in some of your past history including being involved in a fantasy world that depicted sex and pleasure in a way that was...well...not so realistic. And from a skim the surface perspective, these images of sex in the media as well as a past fondness for meeting many women - those absolutely will contribute to your feelings about your intimate life today and are not easily separated. You were sensitive about the feelings off thew women after (the roses!! too cute) so while you allowed yourself to play the field with prowess, it does sound like it had/took an emotional toll on you even then. So you and your wife's intimate life will be the same. sex is something you are enjoy greatly but are also very sensitive about. Good you are acknowledging this and I am sure it is something your wife is already aware of. What I also heard you say is that on the whole, you know you are a good-looking man an you know you are above average size. Don 't let your OCD rob you of the value of these FACTS.

Now, as far as you and your wife - it sounds like you actually may have some curiosity and perhaps even interest in having your wife explore her own sexuality with a penis more well-endowed then yours?? Can your relate to this feeling actually being exciting as opposed to threatening? I am MOT saying she should run out and have an affair, but I do wonder about the invitation to her in regards ***** ***** readily available "toys" that could allow you and her to explore this? Do you feel like that would be something you would like, or do you feel that may further be a blow to your confidence? I am just wondering if you need to find ways to allow your "love addiction" and feelings of inadequacy given you are you wife's one and only to play out more readily in your marriage so it becomes normal to you rather than fantasy and therefore alleviates some of the natural spinning your mind is doing around this subject that is of interest as it feels taboo? Just curious what you think about that and if you think your wife may be into it?

As far as helping yourself along past this - you know I love the exposure therapy so I would keep this up. Maybe some involvement in adventures would be good exposure too (see above). But the bulk of the exposure therapy will be to get intimate with your wife again without additional delay. And as you know, you have to avoid compulsions during your exposures so you have to refrain from seeking excess reassurance from her and just do as you and her have been since you got together and enjoy each other. If your mind wanders about whether your size is good enough, redirect and stay focused ion being in the moment.

Keep fighting!! You have come very far and you can;t beat yourself up for some setbacks. Just get back on track with working through this as you have in the past, focusing on not allowing yourself to fall into despair over something that is based on your OCD's imagination and is not reality-grounded. Your wife loves you - let her show that yo you physically without groundwork that your intimate life should be the looks of fiction. Just allow yourself to be in the moment without thinking so much about your past, future, pain, obligations, size, weight,etc.

-L

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