Good morning and thank you so much for your message. I realize it's difficult to reach out. Please know I honor your courage.
My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro Boston area of the United States.
Ohhhhhh sweet soul, I am so sorry. This truly is difficult and I can understand how your thoughts have become obsessive....especially as it is the anniversary of you finding out about your wife's infidelity. The healing time and grief around such an event are extensive and I truly understand why you are still struggling--especially as it seems she is holding onto pieces of this relationship. There seems to also be concern over whether or not she is still in communication with him. This makes me think that trust has not been re-built as of yet.
Have the two of you gone to couples counseling by chance? Do you have frequent discussions around your loss of trust and pain regarding this? Does she offer complete transparency--such as computer passwords, access to her phone and so on?
Please forgive all of the questions. I want to ensure I fully understand everything going on.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Ah sweet soul, I am so sorry. This truly is torture. Yes, I understand how the depression made her feel abandoned and alone, how she ran to this other individual as a way of seeking comfort, affection and the like. This situation is exceptionally complex in the sense you feel guilt for your depression and are now experiencing anxiety (obsessive though patterns) as a result of her behavior. It's a bit cyclical. I understand you are unable to speak with her further and would highly recommend you seeing a therapist to work through some of your guilt, distrust and anxiety. This is far too much for any one person to carry. There is a wonderful book I'd recommend. It's called, "After the Affair" by Janis A Spring. It can be purchased at this link on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483460559&sr=8-1&keywords=after+the+affair
I am so sorry. Your pain is, no doubt, consuming. Please reach out to a seasoned therapist to assist you in navigating these complex feelings.
My recommendation is you let it be. I imagine, in time, she will delete the exchanges. I would also recommend you not inquire about specific parts of the relationship as I fear this will only add to your obsessive thought patterns. I realize this is incredibly difficult but please know it does get easier in time. I am so sorry.