Hello and thank you fro writing to us. My name is ***** ***** am so sorry you are having this problem with the intimate part of your marriage. As you well know, intimacy in a marriage is a very important piece and easily affect other domains when not on the right track. Allowing access to each other intimately is also a part of the vows you took because as humans, we have a right to have our sexual needs satisfied.
In my opinion, there may be several things at play. For one, it sounds like perhaps your situation at home does contribute to your husband feeling disconnected from you intimately. Lacking a working identity or "breadwinner" role can affect the way a man looks at his partner and create resentment which can transfer to intimacy. Also, it sounds like he has had a "traumatic" type of reaction to that past oral incident and has let this consume his thoughts about sex rather than simply accepting it and moving on. Perhaps anxiety (overthinking ro worrying) is a factor for him in other ways as well? Lastly, his own confidence is probably suffering greatly because he cannot achieve orgasm through intercourse with ease and likely feels deflated by this much in the same way you once did. And add in there the fact that he has had a major body change and has a back injury - that's a lot of factors! So because of these complexities, i recommend your husband consider seeking private counseling to help get to the bottom of his own feelings about himself and his life. That may help him build confidence and remind him of his value and strengths. That confidence and re envisioning of himself could help to resolve this. My fav site for locating counselors is here... http://therapists.psychologytoday.com
Also, I would recommend you and your husband consider sex therapy. Sex therapists are wonders at getting to the bottom of bedroom disconnections and can also help assess weaknesses in your marriage so that they can be mended, therefore positively impacting your relationship in and out of the bedroom. Nonideal communication can often be dug out as a root of these types of issues and that therapist can help you work on communication patterns so things don't go unsaid and bubbling for 4 years. While intimate acts are not likely to be conducted/practiced in session, homework can be assigned that will help you and your husband reconnect and even experience your intimacy in new ways. Really, the best way to get over the anxiety in the bedroom you both feel is through practice because that practice will help reset the anxiety alarms that are firing right now and get you back to a place where sex feels more natural and comfortable and enjoyable. Plus, perhaps the therapist can work on your husband's ejaculation hangups benefiting you both. Sex therapists do this for a living so they can be very wise and creative! Certified sex therapists can be found here... http://www.aasect.org
So in summary, you and your husband have a lot going for you in the fact that you both want to make this work and are being up front with each other about how this is taking its toll. It is great you took the step today to ask where to begin. Many people as individuals and as couples can gain a lot of insight into themselves and into their relationships by bringing a therapist into the mix and most often, there is not a lot to lose but potentially a lot to gain. So talk to your husband about this opportunity and hopefully he'll dive in and you two can begin the process of repairing some of the things that aren't working as you'd like.
I look forward to hearing back from you!