How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Therapist Leslie Your Own Question
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 303
Experience:  Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Therapist Leslie is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I've been friends with a guy for six years. in 2014 we had a

Customer Question

I've been friends with a guy for six years. in 2014 we had a fling for about one year but things didnt work out between us. We still maintained an extremely close friendship and have always had each others back. However, we also fought frequently because feelings were always involved. In 2016 he reached out to me after almost 9 months of not speaking to reconnect. As we started to converse over the months those feelings began to reappear and he said he still liked me. We became intimate with one another and things went on for a few months. We also began arguing again. One night I woke up to a message from him saying he was angry at things between us so he got drunk and kissed one of our coworkers. I was very hurt but eventually I forgave him because again we had never set anything down between us in stone. A couple of weeks later he again got drunk and this time he had close interactions with my best friend. I was very hurt again because I couldnt understand his actions. But i forgave him again, stupidly. For the past month I have noticed things between us getting very withdrawn. He makes excuses for why he cant talk to me and when I asked him what was the issue he kept saying he was normal. Almost after a month of his withdrawn behaviour he told me that he was seeing the girl he kissed initially and he still wants to maintain a friendship with me, despite him liking her. He says its nothing serious between them and that she doesnt like him and they arent going down that path but yet he has met her friends,her mother knows about him and she gets jealous if he sees any girl friends. Based on what I see I know that they are in a relationship but he keeps denying it. He is very intent on us remaining friends. Twice I have tried cutting all contact with him but he constantly messages me to ask why I'm not replying to him. This person has been very helpful to me in the past but he has also done multiple degrading things to me. This year was clearly no different. The past month has been very tough for me. I couldnt eat, I felt worthless and I cried every day thinking about how crude his actions towards me were. He doesnt see the error of his ways and wants me to think nothing is wrong with the way he acted. I want to break all communication with this person but I feel very afraid and anxious of what his reaction will be. Its to the point where I'm questioning if he did something wrong? Did he? and should i get rid of this toxic relationship?
Submitted: 4 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 4 months ago.

Good evening and thank you so much for your message. I realize it's difficult to reach out. Please know I honor your courage.

My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro Boston area of the United States.

Ahhhh, sweet soul, this is a very complicated situation---complicated because of the history between the two of you and complicated because it has sadly become toxic and now the situation requires some sort of change in the relationship you have.

To answer your question of "did he do something wrong?" The answer is clearly YES. He was unfaithful on multiple occasions and has lied to you about the nature of his relationship with this current woman. Have you done anything wrong? No, not from what you presented.

It seems he wants to keep you waiting in the wings should things in his relationship not work out. He simply wants the best of you as well--the things he most cherishes (your friendship, listening ear and so on) without having a commitment. There is nothing wrong with not having a commitment but a true friendship is based up on trust and mutual respect...both of which he seems to lack for you. I am so sorry to say this as I imagine this is not what you want to hear.

I think you are very clear about what needs to happen but I am concerned as to why you are fearful of his reaction? Is this coming from a place of your own fear of confrontation? Or, is there something scary about him where you wouldn't feel safe?

You need to step away because even you label the relationship as "toxic." You don't need to get into all the details for me to know, without doubt, you are 100% right about his. A toxic relationship will stunt your emotional growth and will keep you stuck. You are so much better than this and deserve someone who loves and cherishes you. Please, sweet friend, run from this man. You will be better in the long term--trust me.

Have I answered your question? Is there anything else I can do to assist you further? I want to ensure you are pleased with my service. I also gently request you provide a star rating for me. Of course, we can continue to talk after the rating is provided.

Please take good care of yourself and feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

Related Mental Health Questions