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LeahMSWuofm
LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 441
Experience:  10 years post-MSW experience
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To whom it may concern: I was in a previous marriage before

Customer Question

To whom it may concern:
I was in a previous marriage before I married my current husband who is 23 and I am 40, everything was fine in the beginning but he used to hit me and curse me from the beginning telling me that I am a slut as I was dating his friend before I dated him and this upset him a lot.
he kinda stole me from his friend slowly by telling stories about how promiscuous his friend was and that he only slept with one hooker but he denied it afterwards as he told me just to appear that he has experience I also denied sleeping with his friend but he does not believe me.
He would always slap and pinch me for stupid reasons like for example I talked loudly in public, I wandered off in the Super market without telling him, I didn't concentrate.
When I was having the baby he brought a cloths wire and started slapping me with it telling me that I have taken too long in labor and that I am used (as I have other children) and cannot give birth and that he has taken damaged goods.
He used to ask me a lot to swear that i did not sleep with his friend, he also told me that its unfair that I was married and had experience.
Recently he has stopped calling me a slut and started to tell me that I am a senile old hag and I am ugly and my feet are like tires and my ears are big and useless as I have a slight hearing problem and that my ass is sagging and my teeth are yellow overthought his teeth are yellow too. I know that I am a pretty woman as everybody tells me so and before dating my husband I had two men chasing me begging me to take them back.
I told him why do you curse me hi said that I am stubborn and he wants to tame me.
I am a bit stubborn, but not much and I give in to him like when he told me to wear a long dress when we were in vacation even though I agreed with him before marriage that I do not like wearing abaya (the long black dress).
I was with him on a vacation recently he would always curse me by telling me that I am old and def, and he told me bring a pretty maid not like the one we used to have I told me would you like it if I told you to bring a hansom driver, he then pushed me an slapped me. After that he told me you divorced which he already told me a couple of times before.
He even slapped me when I didn't come to bed because he was telling me old bat come to bed.
He tells me that the slaps and pinching are not abuse because they do not leave marks like my x- husband did.
He even wanted to travel without me because the baby did not have a passport still, I told him ok go then I will go when you come back, when he was leaving he told me you can't go alone as I do not want a guy to sit next to you. He dint go anyway as the flight left (I was preparing the suit case to leave him as he is a asshole).
We came back from vacation yesterday, he told me old bat why didn't you see that I left the keys in the airplane. I told him you took them out not me he raised his hand as if to slap me.I got so angry and left to my sister's house he got crazy sending me messages and phoning me many times and texting me that he loves me he even called his Mom AND i THINK HE TOLD HER ONLY HALF TRUTHS AS SHE TOLD HIM YOUR WIFE IS UNSTABLE AND SHE OVER REACTED BY YOU TELLING HER OLD.
He even slaps our baby, I asked him when I as stubborn he said he does not remember.
I seriously do not know what to do with him as I am back home and very upset.
I am very hurt as I saw some reveling pictures of naked women on his PC and even a picture of my friend. He told me they are only pictures and that all men do the same.
I am the one that pays for everything as he still is studying, he does not even bother to help me with cleaning the house which is a rubbish he even does not pick up his cloths.
I do not want to be treated like that, can I fix him or should I just leave him, and the baby which he uses as a bait?
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 7 months ago.

Hello and thank you for writing to us. My name is ***** ***** i'd like to help. I am so sorry you are experiencing these struggles in your marriage now, and also in your past. You did not then and do not now deserve to be abused. He is absolutely emotionally and physically abusing you. He is also physically abusing your child, which could cause life-long detriments to their stability and well-being.

In cases like this, it is rare that the abuser will change as they will never take responsibility for their actions and will instead make you feel like it was your fault that he hit you. He is already doing this and blaming you for the abuse and problems in your marriage and lying to others about your behavior. Because he so freely emotionally and physically hurts you and your child now, there is a chance that his behavior may escalate, putting you further at risk.

I know this is a very difficult time for you and i trust you have a very hard decision ahead of you. My advice to you is to leave this marriage and seek the relationship you deserve with a man who loves you and will not abuse you. Hopefully, you can take the baby with you to protect and nurture them. If you are not yet prepared to leave, you do have the choice of staying and tolerating the abuse but the abuse of the child is absolutely not acceptable and this should be clearly explained to your husband. You can try giving ultimatums/threats about leaving if he doesn't seek help for his anger/abuse issues, but he has to want to change and be motivated to seek treatment for these issues on his own. If he does not want to change, does not think there is a problem, or believes it is generally acceptable for men to treat their wives this way, then I worry you and your children will be forced to live a life in fear as victims which is really a very sad and unfair thing.

I hope this is helpful and reinforces your thoughts that leaving may be for the best. You and your children deserve better.

I look forward to hearing back from you. Sincerely,

Leah

Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 7 months ago.

Hello:

I noticed this question was still open and wondered if i could assist further. I know things are difficult for you. Please let me know. Sincerely,

Leah

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