I am a retired teacher of children with multiple disabilities in an urban school. I had undiagnosed epilepsy, and I had two epileptic seizures at work, one where I fell down a flight of stairs, so I retired because of my illness, although I was, at 65, able to work a few more years. I am now in treatment with seizure medication that has seemed to work, since I have not had grand mal seizures since starting the meds.
I hate my retirement. I guess I have just drifted, reacting to my environment (a baby shower invitation, having dinner with my brother and husband on Sunday, a vacation with my husband), routine with going to drug store to pick up meds, or the grocery to get food. Gets more and more boring, an increasingly circumscribed life. I guess it happened that way because I have strong anxiety
, depression, PTSD, dissociative episodes, panic
attacks. I also have had abuse and bullying
Right now I am recovering from a psychological breakdown three weeks ago. I had a break with reality, hospital stay of three days, return home, miserable, two emergency room visits since. I know I must build myself back up again, but I do not know how. When I try to feel better by efforts at improving myself, I drop them (efforts) soon. I want to get my health back so I can travel with my husband again, and do my writing. (Last year we took a cruise to the Middle East. I know that is an awesome thing to do, most people do not have the chance, but what does the cruise count against serious mental issues pulling me down). I can think of the following as problems now:
1. I need to stop my mind from racing back to past hurts, disappointments, interspersed with neutral thoughts, all jumbled, all the time.
2. I cry a lot, feeling so bad for my mother, and the times she was treated badly by my older brother and my father; feeling so bad for my father, and the many times he was treated so badly by my mother. I am also guilty of not giving my father the respect he deserved at different times. In short, how do I work with understanding and relieving myself of guilt?
3. Want to get back to my writing, but cannot seem to start. Cannot seem to start anything that will help me, come to think of it. Very hard to pull out the stopper.
Please, can anyone help me in my struggle to get going on the way to recovery I know I cannot live like this.