I am so sorry to hear you suffering in the way that you are and I am glad you have reached out. You are correct when things are bottled up for too long it can often feel like control is lost. then worry creeps in if you let it out that you will not be able to regain control. Then the cycle keeps going. The best place to deal with all of this is to find a great therapist with whom you connect so that you can have a safe place to process all that you feel and figure out a way to find more balance rather than living in extremes. It is hard to do it alone and that support is crucial for you to let it all out in the right place.
I await your thoughts
Let me know how I can support you. We can have a dialog when you are ready.