Hello. I'm Dr. Autumn and I'm happy to work with you on this.
It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation right now. I just wanted to ask a few questions to help me provide you with the best answer. You said that you and your wife talked, and you agreed to support her while she explores her sexuality. But, are you really ok with this? Also, it sounds like you are really worried about her going away for the trip this weekend. Is that because you are worried that she is going to begin to explore her sexuality with her friend, or because she said that she needs some time away from the family?
Does that work for you?
Sorry, I didn't see you say no. I thought you requested the phone call. If you would prefer to continue to chat, I'm happy to keep working with you on this. would you like to continue here?
Wow, it sounds like you are really doing a lot to try to save your relationship. Congratulations on losing the weight and taking better care of yourself. That can be really difficult.
I do not think that your marriage is doomed. It sounds like your wife is really trying to figure out what she needs in order to really feel happy. So, again, it's wonderful that you are open to listening to her needs. It's also a really good thing that she is still being honest with you, especially in this situation.
How do you think you will feel if she does decide to act on her feelings for another woman?
That's wonderful that you have an active sex life, and hopefully that can continue.
I think the communication piece is going to be the one thing that can save your marriage. If you are going to support her, you both need to continue to be as open and honest as you can during this process. You also need to be clear on what she hopes to do while exploring her sexuality. If you believe it's going to be a one time thing, and she is thinking something different, then that can cause problems as well. So, keep talking and make sure you ask the questions that you want to have answered.
I agree that the kids don't need to know anything. Just keep in mind that kids tend to know or hear more than we ever think they do. So, make sure that you are alone when the two of you discuss this. It's difficult enough to work these things out as a couple without having to answer the kids questions at this time.
Is this helpful?
Ok, that seems encouraging as well. This situation has worked for a lot of people. Again, just make sure that you continue to be open and honest. Make sure she knows that you are thinking this will be a one time thing. And, if she changes her mind about that, you will have to have another conversation at a later time.
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It can actually mean any of those. Sometimes people just mean that they want to see what it will be like to be with a person of the same sex, which would be bi-curious. When people are bi-curious, and they have an experience with someone of the same sex, they can have any number of responses. She might decide that she is bisexual, or she may clarify that she is straight. It can be really hard to put labels on people's sexuality. I find that it's much more helpful to think of it as a spectrum, or a range. One end of the spectrum would be 100% heterosexual, and the other end would be 100% homosexual. Most of us fall somewhere along the spectrum, rather than at the extremes. So, she's trying to figure out where she falls in that range, and then the two of you can work on what that means for your relationship. Make sense?
So, to clarify.....He is saying that if you keep asking her about saving the marriage then you will be forcing her down the path of being with another woman?
I completely understand his point. However, if she is telling you that she wants to explore her sexuality, and you keep focusing on fixing the marriage and you don't let her talk about being with another woman, then I don't think you are going to get the results you want. I think that sends the message that you are only concerned with saving the marriage and you aren't really supportive of her exploring her sexuality. You can let her know that you are really focused on saving the relationship, and you are supportive of her exploring her sexuality at the same time (if that is really the truth). It's really only going to work if you stay open about everything. It doesn't mean you have to ask a ton of questions, just make sure that you are open to the conversations about the topic and ask the questions that are important to you. It's so much more effective to be open and honest than to try to play games.
Yes, that sounds like a great plan. Does that feel ok to you?
You're welcome. Good luck as you move forward with this, and be sure to come back if you have additional questions.
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