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Dr. Autumn
Dr. Autumn, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 43
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 10 years of experience working with children and teens.
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My wife stated a week ago she wanted a divorce. She said she

Customer Question

My wife stated a week ago she wanted a divorce. She said she was not attracted to me anymore, was not "in love" with me., and had no desire to have sex with me. I love my wife to the moon and back! I was devistated! But she was still sleeping with me in the same bed every night. She went and saw a movie with her best friend and that night she told me she wanted to explore her sexuality have sex with a women. We talked and I listened and told her I would support her. We have been slowly working on the marriage and it is beginning to come back! When I received a call from a marriage counselor I told my wife that I said we were working out the marriage and had a good chance of success! My wife said that is eactly right but just remember what I want to do. I just want to try it. She watched orange is the new black and wentworth. I think these shows may have stimulated something. She is going away this Saturday, overnight, with her best friend to her cousins house to hang out! They are coming back Subday! It is so she can get away from me, the house, the kids, her job, and just clear her head. She is willing to make sure I have all the plans and the exact address. She says she needs time for her. Also I got clingy and she said she needs her space. What do I do?
JA: How long have you been dealing with this? Is there anything in particular that makes your head feel worse or better?
Customer: For about 2 weeks
JA: Anything else in your medical history you think the psychologist should know?
Customer: My wife is on Venlafaxine Hydrochloride 150mg and Fluoxetine HCL 10mg
Submitted: 4 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

Hello. I'm Dr. Autumn and I'm happy to work with you on this.

It sounds like you are in a really difficult situation right now. I just wanted to ask a few questions to help me provide you with the best answer. You said that you and your wife talked, and you agreed to support her while she explores her sexuality. But, are you really ok with this? Also, it sounds like you are really worried about her going away for the trip this weekend. Is that because you are worried that she is going to begin to explore her sexuality with her friend, or because she said that she needs some time away from the family?

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I am worried about this weekend. She assures me this just to get away and clear her head. My wife hasn't lied to me. She said yesterday in a text that she loves me, wants to save the marriage, she wants to have sex with me but just wants to try with another women. When we have sex she can't stand the smell of her vaginal juices on any part of me. My mouth my penis etc. So I believe this is a fantasy she will probably not act on. I am going to ask her if this weekend may involve her experiment.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Posted by JustAnswer at customer's request) Hello. I would like to request the following Expert Service(s) from you: Live Phone Call. Let me know if you need more information, or send me the service offer(s) so we can proceed.
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

Does that work for you?

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Again I think she will say no. But is my marriage doomed?
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

Sorry, I didn't see you say no. I thought you requested the phone call. If you would prefer to continue to chat, I'm happy to keep working with you on this. would you like to continue here?

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I did forget to mention my wife is 36 and I am 56. She did mention one of the reasons for loosing the attractiveness for me was how fat I was getting! That I was getting man boobs! So I've lost 20+ pounds and am getting a estrogen blocker/ Testosterone booster. I have joined a gym. And since I have osteoporosis in my left knee although she has asked me before, I rode my bike while she ran. She likes doing the 5-10ks.
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

Wow, it sounds like you are really doing a lot to try to save your relationship. Congratulations on losing the weight and taking better care of yourself. That can be really difficult.

I do not think that your marriage is doomed. It sounds like your wife is really trying to figure out what she needs in order to really feel happy. So, again, it's wonderful that you are open to listening to her needs. It's also a really good thing that she is still being honest with you, especially in this situation.

How do you think you will feel if she does decide to act on her feelings for another woman?

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
I will support her. But a lot of talking needs to be done and a lot of questions need to be answered. We have 2 kids. 12 & 17. They do not need to know anything.
I don't think it would be more than a one time thing. But if it is I'll have to figure it out then. I have always kept my wife sexually satisfied. We have used toys (vibrators) to help out sometimes!
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

That's wonderful that you have an active sex life, and hopefully that can continue.

I think the communication piece is going to be the one thing that can save your marriage. If you are going to support her, you both need to continue to be as open and honest as you can during this process. You also need to be clear on what she hopes to do while exploring her sexuality. If you believe it's going to be a one time thing, and she is thinking something different, then that can cause problems as well. So, keep talking and make sure you ask the questions that you want to have answered.

I agree that the kids don't need to know anything. Just keep in mind that kids tend to know or hear more than we ever think they do. So, make sure that you are alone when the two of you discuss this. It's difficult enough to work these things out as a couple without having to answer the kids questions at this time.

Is this helpful?

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
My wife feels that she just wants to try, had fantasy since she was in High School! From what I gather she also thinking once to get it out of her system!
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

Ok, that seems encouraging as well. This situation has worked for a lot of people. Again, just make sure that you continue to be open and honest. Make sure she knows that you are thinking this will be a one time thing. And, if she changes her mind about that, you will have to have another conversation at a later time.

Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

I hope I’ve provided the information you were seeking. If you are happy with my service, please provide a rating. If not, please let me know so l can continue to help you. Thank you.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
When she says she is questioning her sexuality, does that me she is questioning whether she is Gay or Bi-Sexual? Or can it mean just Bi curious?
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

It can actually mean any of those. Sometimes people just mean that they want to see what it will be like to be with a person of the same sex, which would be bi-curious. When people are bi-curious, and they have an experience with someone of the same sex, they can have any number of responses. She might decide that she is bisexual, or she may clarify that she is straight. It can be really hard to put labels on people's sexuality. I find that it's much more helpful to think of it as a spectrum, or a range. One end of the spectrum would be 100% heterosexual, and the other end would be 100% homosexual. Most of us fall somewhere along the spectrum, rather than at the extremes. So, she's trying to figure out where she falls in that range, and then the two of you can work on what that means for your relationship. Make sense?

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
My friend told me not to bring this subject up again but say you are focusing on saving the marriage! He said if she begins to act upon it then question her and make sure everything is out in the open! He thinks it may be just a fantasy and by me asking a bunch of questions I would be forcing her down that path! What do you think?
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

So, to clarify.....He is saying that if you keep asking her about saving the marriage then you will be forcing her down the path of being with another woman?

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
No he says don't ask her a bunch of questions about having sex with another girl. Just keep focused on everything that needs to be done to upright and save the marriage. But if she starts letting me know she acting on her fantasy then ask as many questions as possible because some she won't be able to answer anyway!
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

I completely understand his point. However, if she is telling you that she wants to explore her sexuality, and you keep focusing on fixing the marriage and you don't let her talk about being with another woman, then I don't think you are going to get the results you want. I think that sends the message that you are only concerned with saving the marriage and you aren't really supportive of her exploring her sexuality. You can let her know that you are really focused on saving the relationship, and you are supportive of her exploring her sexuality at the same time (if that is really the truth). It's really only going to work if you stay open about everything. It doesn't mean you have to ask a ton of questions, just make sure that you are open to the conversations about the topic and ask the questions that are important to you. It's so much more effective to be open and honest than to try to play games.

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
If she wants to talk about her curiosity then ask questions and be supportive! But don't just volunteer to bringing up the subject let her do it. I'm trying to stay focused on the marriage.
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

Yes, that sounds like a great plan. Does that feel ok to you?

Customer: replied 4 months ago.
Thanks for everything!
Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

You're welcome. Good luck as you move forward with this, and be sure to come back if you have additional questions.

Expert:  Dr. Autumn replied 4 months ago.

Please be sure to leave me a rating when you have a chance. Thanks!

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