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LeahMSWuofm, Clinical Social Worker
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 233
Experience:  10 years post-MSW experience
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I was involved with a neighbor of mine and at first he was

Customer Question

I was involved with a neighbor of mine and at first he was the one chasing me. We would walk our dogs everyday and go to the gym together and would help me as I got a little chunky and would help me with excersises to do. Then we would go to his place and have some wine together and watch a movie. He started asking me about sex and told him I haven't had sex in 15 years and he asked me why and said I have not met the right person. We started walking and going to the gym on a regular basis. I started to Falk head over heels for him and broke my 15 years as I thought this was the man i wanted to be with forever. Then I ended up in ER with horrible pains in my stomach and called him and he rushed to hospital and saw me on IV and told him I had chlamydia. He felt even worse and bought me a teddy bear for comfort. I wasn't to nice to him as I told him what dirty woman had he been around and if I ever saw that person I would give her a piece of my mind in what I had gotten. He was scared he knew I was mad plus i was hurting. We then started to see each other and walk and he kept on apologizing to me over and over. I thought he was the man i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He then started using rubbers as he fell for me Also but there was this feeling still in me from that experience I didn't feel safe As the only thing we would do was walk the dogs go to gym and go to his place to be together and have sex. Then 4th of July came he went to a friends party and I saw a brand new range rover sport parked at his place but took his car. Later that night I was walking my dog and he saw me petted my dog and said he just got back from this party and how much food was there and he ate. I did not say anything but I was hurt again and texted him and said I never want to see him again and think he truly is a pig and just want nothing to do with men as I am a man hater again. I am a survivor of human trafficking and child abuse and he knows that. Now it has been 3 weeks and no word from him but when I go by in my car he just looks and 1 day he saw me on crutches talking to a male neighbor and went by slowly looking at me but I ignored him. Also his dog had passed away and was there for him when he was put to sleep. I really liked his dog very m as he would see me and run to me and give me kisses and have sent my friend nice quotes on dogs in heaven. I just want to know what you suggest I do as he is my neighbor and lives close by. It is an ackward situation. Should I tell him how I truly felt that I thought he was the one but felt violated by what transpired. No one sees him around anymore as he just goes home. Please let me know. Thank you ***** *******

Submitted: 3 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 3 months ago.

Hello, thank you for the lengthy explanation for what happened. As this one is complete with the question, I will reply here.

In my opinion, it sounds like this man may have used you a bit for sex and companionship early on in your relationship based on the fact that he gave you an STD (meaning obviously he was with other women at the time) and also that you continued to doubt his intentions because he did not make them clear. Unfortunately, I cannot read his mind so I am not sure if these initial feelings developed into something more serious but it is a possibility based on the amount of time he was choosing to spend with you. The problem here is that it still seems unclear to you both whether or not there was the capacity for a lasting and exclusive relationship because neither of you brought it up. It does sound clear that he cared a lot about you based on that span when he was spending time with you but it is a bit of a red flag that your encounters were very patterned and involved a routine of gym, alone time and ultimately, sex. Typically, relationships that are bound for permanence have a bit of a broader range to them and at the least, there is acknowledged/spoken/exchanged commitment.

With that being said, I strongly encourage you to go and communicate your feelings for this man, especially since he is your neighbor and you will continue to see him. I know it will be difficult and take a lot of courage, but communication in relationships is virtually fundamental for them to succeed. This will allow you to open the chance to re-explore with him if there is potential, especially if you tell him that you really thought he may be the person you could spend the rest of your life with. It will also allow him the chance to tell you his true intentions behind your relationship to clarify if he felt he wanted to be exclusive with you, or whether he is just the type of man that is opportunistic and enjoys many women in his life. Until you communicate openly and honestly with him and ask the same out of him, this will continue to linger and drive you crazy analyzing and reanalyzing his behavior and feelings both then and now.

Relationships can be so tricky and confusing when they are blurry, and your history likely makes you more hesitant and distrustful as is. You definitely deserve a man who will adore and honor you exclusively, if that is what you want, but you also deserve clarity and explanation from this man about how he was feeling. And the only way to get that clarity will be to be super brave and ask. It is a given what if you don't open yourself up to him and the possibilities, then there will be none.

I hope this helps. Sincerely,


Customer: replied 3 months ago.
I know it is hard since we live so close to each other. It wasn't all the time he would see other women it was maybe 1 time a month that he saw had a casual friendship with someone. Also I do have a guy as a roommate who is one like a brother to me and i feel safe with him since we are have known each other for many years. This man who is my neighbor wanted me to find my own place and move away from situation and would ask me don't I want a boyfriend. At my age it is hard to find a job and this place I live in is my home. He wanted me to get him out but my roomate said he feels comfortable here even though he sleeps on my couch which I think is very strange for a grown man.
I will text my neighbor but am a little hesitant as I bump into him driving by
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 3 months ago.

If it was true that your neighbor only had casual friendships with women, he probably wouldn't have had chlamydia. Perhaps he changed his ways after meeting you and then of course, him having friendships with women is to be expected and not a problem, and it also demonstrates he was pretty into you if he did severe previous romantic relationships. It just seems like things were not completely clear to you all along the way.

It was not fair of your neighbor to request that you ask your roommate to move out when there really was no need for that. Not sure why him being your boyfriend and asking your roommate to leave needed to be connected, especially when you had total privacy in his home just doors away. Maybe he was jealous of your relationship with your roommate and felt this was a good reason to get closer to you after he was out of the picture? Still, your neighbor should have respect for your established life and unless things were to be getting very serious, it doesn't seem there was any reason why he should have asked you to dramatically alter your lifestyle, especially knowing your past and how your roommate makes you feel safe.

Definitely send him a text! At this point, you have nothing to lose but potentially something to gain! Make sure you are clear with him about what you wanted/hoped for from the relationship, and how you were unclear about what he wanted all along. Putting everything out there will feel awkward at first and may lead to some sting if his answer is not what you hope for, but will ultimately lead to clarity and closure. And this is important given your immediate proximity.


Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Thank you. I did text him and let him know. I will let you know what happens. I just had to put my cards on the table to let him know. I just hope he read the text
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 3 months ago.

You are awesome. Way to go. keep me posted and fingers crossed it goes favorably!!


Customer: replied 3 months ago.
I took a morning walk with my dog to release stress and enjoy my daily walk with my dog. I am getting ready to work out and do some upper strength excercises. I have a bad knee where I fell off one of the equipment as I stood on it and left foot collapsed to the ground and injured my knee and stomach. Finally had my MRI yesterday and found out I have a severe bad sprain. I have a knee brace I have to wear for 6 months and go through physical therapy for 6 months and allowed to go back to gym. I had called the YMCA where I go and told them about it since I did not want to file a lawsuit. Someone from their insurance company is going to be calling me. Now do you think I should follow through with the insurance now that I do not have to have surgery. I have has to have exrays, ultrasounds ct scan and MRI and been to emergency room twice because I could not take the pain. Now 6 months of physical therapy.
Thank you
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 3 months ago.

Ugh. That sounds really painful. of the injury was resultant from something you believe could have or should have been prevented, then yes, I think you should follow through on the insurance piece as there will be some out of pocket expense on your part. Better to follow-through on it then wish you hadn't down the road. Just like in relationships, continue to advocate for your needs and best interests. This will lead to the best opportunity for good outcomes for you ans assure your needs are accounted for.

Hope you feel better quickly!! Sounds like you do a great job with your health considering your gym involvement and exercise.


Customer: replied 3 months ago.
Thank you and got approved to have lap band surgery. I am 60 lbs over weight. I have degenerative joint disease and scoliosis and had a neck fusion last year. Dr's suggested it
Expert:  LeahMSWuofm replied 3 months ago.

Congratulations on that approval! Weight loss surgeries can be so positive for people and open the door for you to really feel better. Your joints will thank you as that weight comes off. :)

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