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Ask Linda D. Your Own Question
Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 431
Experience:  LMSW, CASAC
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Dating a bpd, got into a fight, she wanted space, giving

Customer Question

dating a bpd, got into a fight, she wanted space, giving space causes me anxiety, and im trying to figure out what i should do
JA: How long have you been dealing with this? Is there anything in particular that seems to make the symptoms better or worse?
Customer: ever so often she gets upset by something and pulls away from me, this one seems like the longest period of time she's been upset though
JA: Anything else in your medical history you think the psychologist should know?
Customer: i think i have codependency issues this is live chat?
Submitted: 3 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Linda D. replied 3 months ago.

Hello, my name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in New York State. Thank you for reaching out to Just Answer regarding your concerns with your relationship. This is not a live chat, this is a question and answer format. However we could do live chat if you would like. I will wait to hear from you before responding to you question regarding codependency issues. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
does live chat cost extra?
Expert:  Linda D. replied 3 months ago.

It does but I can just add $22.00 extra if it would help you, instead of the usual $50-$80. I would not be available until 2:15pm EST, i am meeting with a private client for the next hour. I will do whatever is best for you and gets you the answers you are looking for to help you in your relationship. I will send you the offer and if you want the live chat, you will just need to accept it. Please leave your phone number and the best time to call you after 2:15pm. Sincerely, Linda

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
how long of a conversation does that get me?
Expert:  Linda D. replied 3 months ago.

we could talk for 30 minutes, but I would also want to make sure you had your questions, etc. answered. Or we can just continue here with the Q and A. Linda

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
let's keep doing this for right now. what questions do you have for me?
Expert:  Linda D. replied 3 months ago.

Okay, no problem. You shared that you are dating "bpd", are you referring to a person with Borderline Personality Disorder?

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
but not diagnosed
Expert:  Linda D. replied 3 months ago.

The reason I asked, is that individuals with BPD can not maintain stable relationships and their partners often feel like they are on emotional rollercoasters. Is it the instability in the relationship that is causing you to have a "normal" reaction of anxiety? You also mentioned co-dependency, have you been treated for this with a therapist?

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
codependency is also undiagnosed/untreated.i do feel like it is an emotional rollercoaster and i think that the instability leads to insecurity which leads me to approach situations with not so natural behaviors that often backfire.
Expert:  Linda D. replied 3 months ago.

Yes, which then makes the situation worse I am sure. May I ask how old you are and how long you and your girlfriend have been together?

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
just casually dating for 9 months, i'm early 30s she's late 20s
Expert:  Linda D. replied 3 months ago.

have you had a history of unstable relationships and/or anxiety when the other person wants to be able to have separate space, etc from the relationship?

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
cant recall a situation exactly like this before but i wouldnt be surprised. it's painful to me to know that the person who i want to talk to/spend time with the most does not want to talk to or spend time with me.
Expert:  Linda D. replied 3 months ago.

Yes, I can tell this hurts you, but sometimes people really do need space from the relationship they are in to focus on their own needs and growth and the best thing you can do is focus on using this time to develop who you are. A relationship can only be as interesting, strong, healthy and fulfilling as the people in it. Try to see this time as an opportunity to do something new or reconnect iwth friends/family. She may even admire your for this instead of feeling frustrated that you are upset. Does this make sense? Linda

Customer: replied 3 months ago.
i get it, i just don't feel like the offense necessitates this amount of time. but it probably doesn't help that i have established a pattern of being bad at giving space. and also i know it's impossible to qualify how much time any person needs to get over any given issue. it just fills me with anxiety and drives me nuts.