Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online
Hello, my name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist/family therapist in private practice in New York State.Thank you for reaching out to Just Answer, I am here to help you. First, may I ask what is your specific question that you would like answered? .
Hmmm, you and I are not mind readers, unfortunately even therapists and psychologists with all of our training can not know exactly what another person is thinking or feeling. However, his words and their intensity do imply that he is in conflict about something related to intimacy. I know you are trying to be understanding and accepting of him for the sake of the marriage, but you matter also. a healthy marriage consists of both parties having their needs met. Have you been able to discuss with him openly how his decisions and behaviors are affecting you? An affair is never usually about a true love for the third party person, it usually is about avoiding the issues going on at home with your partner and avoiding the work that it takes to overcome your problems with her. Does this make sense to you, I can explain further if you need me to. Sincerely, ***** *****
Please understand that his choices and behaviors have nothing to do with YOU. His behaviors are about him, these are his choices based on his own inner beliefs, values about commitment, loyalty, love, etc. I don't know that children benefit from parents staying together for their sake, who do not really work on their marriage and grow as a couple and give the kids good role modeling. In fact I like to say, "it is better for children to come from a broken home than to live in one." Many times men struggle with intimacy with their wives after she has had a child and he feels he is not the most important figure in her life, but again this is about him, not you. You deserve to take good care of yourself and to do what is right for you. I know this must be very difficult having such young children, but unless your husband expresses remorse for his cheating, focuses on making an amends to you and the marriage on an ongoing basis and expresses and commits to his plan to change whatever he is struggling with that led him to this behavior he is at very high risk for repeating it again as you are worried about. I truly wish you and your family well. Please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC
Dear Hannah, I know how difficult this must be for you, especially given that your sister was involved and therefor your entire family. But people do make mistakes, they do terrible things and make awful decisions that they can regret for the rest of their lives. The fact that your husband is focusing on you and your children and trying to make you happy and be close is a very good factor in the marriage being able to handle and heal from this. forgiveness is a spiritual, loving gift we can give to ourselves and others. Perhaps some time alone everyday for a walk to spend some time quietly meditating on what is in your heart and how you can just live in the today and let go of the past. marriages do survive an infidelity like this, all the time. but it will take time and some soul searching on your part to fine that place that will forgive, heal and ultimately let go. You can both actually grow stronger from this. Research some books you can read on forgiveness or videos on youtube. Make this your priority and hopefully he will make you and the family his priority as well. You are not alone, I hope venting and expressing yourself here has helped. sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC
Dear Hannah, I would appreciate you taking a moment to rate my service to you as this is the only way we are compensated for our work. Thank you so much, please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC