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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2912
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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I want to ask about my husband's behaviours. I do love m. I

Customer Question

I want to ask about my husband's behaviours. I do love him. I don't want to confront him if I am making more of it than it really is. I don't want to hurt him
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

Please tell me a bit more.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
The only way I can begin to explain is to make an example. We are currently buying a much needed new car. Now my husband has, without consulting or negotiating told me that he will be driving it and I'll be driving the other older car we have. I have explained that I am ok with this, but that I would like to drive it one day per week, to keep my confidence up in the new vehicle. He has responded with a tantrum saying that I will drive it when he says I can. This seems very petty, but is the latest in a long line of things like this. I feel like he is constatntly micro-managing the things I do, such as telling me which light to use, how to stack the dishwasher etc. It seems to be more problematic when we are doing something new, or something is changing. For example, when I was pregnant with our twins, he told me I would need to be careful about my parenting style when they were born, so that they would be properly disciplined. when we replaced our hot water system, he would be in the bathroom the instant I turned off the shower to make sure I turned the hot water off properly. He makes all the major decisions, and I feel like I don't matter. I genuinely don't think he intentionally means to be this way, but it seems like everything needs to be his way. I really don't know how to handle this right now. He is incredibly smart, and while I certainly don't have trouble keeping up with him most of the time, I'm sure that this probably contributes to his mindset. Am I wrong or overreacting to these things?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

I don't hear that you are overreacting at all. He seems to have the need to control all things and people around him and is unable to handle when he is being challenged or needs to be more mutual. I don't hear a lot of mutuality there and then you are left feeling more like his child rather than his partner. Why he behaves this way may have to do with some internal things going on for him which causes him to need this control and dominance but for any relationship to thrive there needs to be mutuality. Rather than go to him about each detail, I would have, in a quiet and loving moment let him know how you feel around this behavior and how it is hurting you as an individual and the relationship. I know you have not had success talking to him, but maybe the focus of those discussions were around the details of each incident as it comes up...I suggest talking to how small you feel around being managed and controlled on everything.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Thank you for your advice. I just wanted some validation for the way I have been feeling. I also feel that there are some internal things going on for him and would like to support him with this. But I also need to feel like an equal partner. Your advice has helped to ease my conscience and hopefully help to move in a positive direction
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

So glad I can support you. I am also glad to hear that you have that loving heart and want to support him, so go to him with that empathy and love. I hope things can ease up within himself so he can ease up on those around him.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

I am here if you need me...if all good for now, please take a moment to click the rating tab to rate my support. Thanks in advance and come back to me anytime.

Jen

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

Please let me know if I can support you further.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 6 months ago.

Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support so that I may be credited for my time with you. Thanks so much.

Jen