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Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  LMSW, CASAC
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I have a question regarding a possible reconciliation.

Customer Question

I have a question regarding a possible reconciliation. My wife and I have been separated for the last 9 months, living apart. The short story is, she cheated on me shortly after we got married. I was going through a really difficult career transition and she pursued someone she worked with. She claims it was only twice and to "fill a void". She wouldn't leave her job, and she didn't seem very interested in therapy. 2 months later, she said she needed time and space and ended up moving out. I begged, pleaded, all the stuff I shouldn't have been doing, but I put her on a very high pedistal and made myself to appear weak. Upon moving out, I would see posts on facebook insinuating that she was dating, or at least still sleeping with this guy. I was devastated for months. Couldn't sleep... all that. I decided to transform myself, start working out, eating right and just get my mind in order. I ended up having a brief conversation with her before she moved out and stated she wanted a divorce. about a month later, I kinda made the mistake of saying I wanted to try and work things out and she more or less said it was over. My guess it was because she enjoyed her freedom, and was still seeing this guy. Not sure. For the next 5 months, I went dark, only responded to her texts about our son and used one or two word responses. I didn't want to see or talk to her. About a month ago, I kind of got the impression her fling had fizzled out. Two weeks ago, I see her profile on and plenty of fish (dating site). I should mention we are somewhat talking again... but not really. Here is my question. I still love her. I still care about her, and I truly do want to work things out. I dont know what to do. I feel like if I ask her, I am still in a position of weakness and makes me look like I cant find somebody else, or I only want to get back with her because I didn't find anyone, which is definitely not the case. I dont want to wait around any longer, because she really is a great girl, and very attractive, but I just want my family back together. Help?
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Linda D. replied 6 months ago.
Hello, my name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in New York State. Thank you for using Just answer. I am going to read the details of your question now and respond to it in just a few moments. Thank you, ***** ***** LMDSW, CASAC
Expert:  Linda D. replied 6 months ago.
Thank you for waiting. Unfortunately in reading the dynamics that you have described with your wife, it is clear that you are and have had the stronger desire for the marriage than she has. If she had the same feelings you have for her, she would be initiating time with you and putting effort into rebuilding your trust instead of putting dating profiles online for herself. It is really good that you are both talking again, because you do have the continued role of coparenting together for the sake of your child. However, if she wanted a relationship with you again, you would know it. She made a very destructive decision early on in the marriage to have an affair, and then soon after she wanted to move out. This does not speak of loyalty, commitment or trust building.......... all necessary for a relationship to exist. You must be so hurt and disappointed that something you planned and hoped for with your wife turned out so badly. I am so sorry you are in this situation, but it sounds like you started to take good care of yourself and grow from this. It sounds like it may be time to start moving forward and accepting what she has shown you is her unwillingness to manage the responsibility of the relationship with you. Please let me know if you have any other questions. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC

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