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Linda D.
Linda D., Psychotherapist, LMSW, CASAC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 633
Experience:  LMSW, CASAC
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I just need to find out the cost right now as I have to

Customer Question

Hi. I just need to find out the cost right now as I have to leave for a while. Interested in continuing later today. Need some sex advice because of lost intimacy with my wife and companion of over 20 years. Am now 52
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
Hello, my name is ***** ***** I am a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in New York state. Thank you for using Just Answer. I look forward to hearing from you later today with your concerns and questions. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I just saw this looks to be going to mental health. I was typed specifically into sex counseling
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Also I hope I can continue this later as have important things right now. Will also probably prefer phone if isn't more money as I don't type much
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
We do not specifically have a sex therapist here at Just Answer. But we all have many, many years of experience as therapists working with couples and individuals clinically. I have worked with both men and women who have had sexual issues/conflicts/trauma in their marriages and relationships. It does cost more for a phone call, $25.00 more if you request it. Does this all sound okay? If you are not satisfied with the help I give you, you do not have to pay for my services. also you don't have to worry if you type slowly or not so well.............I'm not all that great at it myself. I will understand. Sincerely, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi just got a minute. Have to run out of town for a few hours. Than wife might be home. If can will be back on first. This might have to mostly wait till tomorrow or late. Don't know your work schedule but you can respond when you available. Wife knows this will be no instant fix
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, I am free to answer your questions this evening and then off and on tomorrow due to seeing clients (it is my busiest day this week). Again, tomorrow night after 7:00pm I am free for the evening to do our question and answer. I will be checking to see when you are available. We will figure it out together. Linda
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sorry but things have been crazy wth company in the middle of a lot of projects too. I am on an I pad now. Is this ok too spread this over time. My wife saw I was already charged to bank. Thought was only at finish of interaction
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
yes, it is okay to spread out over time, no problem as long as I keep responding to you, the thread will remain open for 7 additional days. I am not involved at all with the billing part of just answer. They do not pay us until after you have rated my service to you, so I am not sure why they charged you more than the deposit. I am meeting with a client in a few moments. Maybe we could try to set up a time to be online this afternoon ( I am free from 1:30pm til 3:00pm) or tonight after 7:00pm. I am on Eastern Standard Time. Would any of these times work to get us started?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Some history. We are both 52.since I am so slow to type will prepare history ahead and send later
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
That would be so great, the more info you can give me the better and I would love to have time to read over and contemplate my thoughts. so send info whenever you can. I look forward to hearing from you, Linda
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Also want to give me contact for billing as was charged already 5 then 26 or something. Don't believe wife will be very happy if get another 20 something bill and same for me.
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
Yes, here you go. This is the website for customer service and how to contact them.http://ww2.justanswer.com/helpI have to leave now for a session with a client but will be back on soon.
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
Yes, here you go. This is the website for customer service and how to contact them.http://ww2.justanswer.com/helpI have to leave now for a session with a client but will be back on soon.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Morning. Had to put my pad on charge as shut down before I could send yesterday and lost all my message. Am a bit overwhelmed with projects I'm in the middle of right now. Hope I can get free later but the wife is off today
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
Okay, thanks for letting me know. Would it be easier if your wife text me and let me know what she is struggling with? Either way will work. if not, then maybe this weekend will give you more freedom to communicate. Hope to hear from you soon. Linda
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ahhhhhhhhh hit something and when came back my message is gone!!!!!!!!!! An hour of typing. If I lose it again will have to call. Wife won't be happy with added cost. Does't realize this is for counciling. She knows I am trying my own but not sure if she believes in this online thing. Likely to end up going to one, but not many local on our insurance. Hoping too get some insight from someone sooner. We have seen someone together but just dealt with more typical issues. She is on sick leave. Will keep sending now so as not to lose it all
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We are both 52, and together over twenty years, married 15. Had known each other quite a while but never gotten to really talk much. While both visiting family, and kids we got to know each other and really hit it off. Then over some months she visited more and we became close until we hooked up over a holiday visit. She called and pursued me first and we continued to see each other until she moved to town, then soon with me. She was under 5 feet and increasingly large breasted with a bit of a paunch, but reasonably fit. I'm 5 foot 9 or so, with a lean athletic build and always been extremely active with mountain biking dirt bikes, snow boarding and any thing I can when not too busy working. Have also always worked in active jobs, and stayed fit with exercise and watched my diet. We just seemed to click with both of us in the same place with alcohol and drugs, being I had seen most of my family screwed up from a very early age,and her closely involved but done with the scene.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Normally I've always been drawn to athletic or lean girls and have alway been attracted to shapely butts since very early memories. Large breasts have never been a turn on. Despite that she alway wore cute short skirts and that alway helped and we had a very active sex life. Will stick to the sex side of things though other things are trying to get worked out as I'm super motivated to work, house, garden, all manner of improvements, and her very little and alway a struggle to get any kind of help or to clean at all through the years. Any how she has always made a point that she always wanted to be like that, with very active sex life and intimacy and fun. Unfortunately not too long after, she began too eat more and more, often more than I even though I worked hard labor. Not a problem in itself, but her weight just seemed too continue to very rapidly increase. Seemed the more comfortable she became in the relationship the more she ignored her eating. Unfortunately it also affected the sex as she became much less agile and too heavy for me too comfortably bear her weight on top, and she started to struggle more and more, also affecting penetration and visually for me it started to take it's toll, but managed mostly. I guess around 5 years in, or so, she sort of gave sort of an ultimatum, pretty much too marry her if I saw a future together. I had married once already too young with someone not at all ready for marriage, so I had not actively thought about it. But I really love her so we made arrangements. Sore point, not surprisingly that I hadn't done the proposing, but somehow I just never felt like it means much anymore other than financial, as too many divorces. Right after this discussion while talking with a body worker while receiving a massage she told me she was also getting married. She also told me how she had had a discussion with her fiancé that would alway strive to keep their marriage good by staying fit and as close to how they were first attracted too each other. It struck me that they could have an honest and frank conversation about something they both thought was important to keeping things going. With much anxiety and after a lot of struggle and thought I decided to broach the subject as she put so much importance on keeping things like they had started. Looking back now, I clearly should have talked to a professional on if and how this could be breached. I tried to help her understand by asking her how she would feel if I had gained a lot of weight. If it would affect her. She said she was never going to be skinny. She made me feel extremely shallow for even bringing such a thing up. Unfortunately an obvious taboo subject to be ignored to her. But now over so many years It has had the effect of killing the intimacy as I had feared. Thought good intentions could override the negatives. Realize watching her ignore her eating, not dressing nice for me, and never showering before intimacy has made me feel like she doesn't care enough too make any effort at keeping things going. Worse yet one night when woken up and not awake ,I didn't recognize her profile from behind and looked just like my long deceased very overweight grandma memory from childhood, a very strong jolt. So for the last few years have had an increasing difficult time trying to be intimate, till now after a shoulder surgery am not able too sleep flat in same bed,and months of no sex. Now unable to even break that barrier. Of cours she feels no longer confident which of course makes things even more complicated. It all just has combined together to becoming greater than any one thing. Maybe if she would shower her privates also in the evening, and maybe trim some hair down there, at least I could find a way past this wall, as for me smell is jus too much of a turn off. She is not happy with thing as they are and we are working on other issues, if only typical,I'm sure we could work out,but feeling overwhelmed. But need to make decision pretty soon. In most ways such a beautifull, kind, giving loving person I have built a life with, I love her and hate to give up. But not sure if it's even fair to her, to bring any of this up especially if we can't work through this, I don't want to add any insecurities
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Delirious but had to get this out there. Worked all day on projects ,then had drive hours to pickup material and not home till after midnight. Not the best time for clear thinking but had too ask for your valued input. Thanks in advance
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
Hello, thank you, ***** ***** for giving me such complete information. I will give your situation careful thought and will be online to give you my thoughts at 1:00pm Eastern Standard time. Linda D., LMSW, CASAC
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
Hello, for any relationship to grow and evolve there has to be a mutual commitment to it's well being and health. I like to think of relationships as being like a three legged stool. There are three parts to keep it strong and in balance, and all three parts need to be given attention and strength; the three parts are you, your wife and the relationship. A relationship can only be as healthy as the people in it. You have a perfect right to discuss with your wife how her weight affects you and how it affects the relationship. I know individuals, especially women can become very sensitive about their appearance and/or weight, but this does not mean we avoid discussing it. Especially when the weight can harm them (and it sounds like it is affecting her self esteem and well being) or the relationship ( it is definitely affecting the way the two of you are interacting especially sexually). It is actually your responsibility as the caretaker of your well being and the 50% caretaker of the relationship to address and discuss anything that may be hurting or damaging either. Of course this should be done with love and tenderness as much as possible. However, and this is the most crucial part for the relationship, it then is up to her to decide whether or not her own well being and the well being of he relationship is important enough to her to face the courage and strength she will need to change her behaviors. Turning to food, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes as a way to deal with uncomfortable feelings can become an ingrained coping mechanism that is frightening to the person to face giving up. It would be important to her to know that yo will be there to support her, not to judge or evaluate. The poor hygiene is also an example of poor self esteem and at this point she is probably buried in her own beliefs that she is unattractive, unlovable, etc. Does all of this make sense so far? Linda D., LMSW, CASAC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sorry, just done with another crazy day. In general her esteem is very strong and she by far the more social one. I think her weight only bothers her with pictures and such. She is very adept in dealing with the public and is close friend with seems like half the town. Spend large amounts of time on Facebook, news, and online shopping which hasn't been helping me to feel at all connected over the last years. Her hygiene isn't bad really except if I'm wanting to get intimate. Especially if I want to pleasure her. She showers every morning. Just not for me before bed. Her realizing I was occasionally using internet porn a few years back didn't help either. When I'm feeling over stressed about so much to do it is a welcome release somehow. Also I am missing the visual side of things. I seems she feels that since she is never going to be skinny that it's not worth suffering with smaller portions or stopping the junkie sweets that she is addicted too. Seems like every time she follows good behavior with a total breakdown and binging of sweets. She has alway said of eating and shopping, and spending, what if we die tomorrow? Been another sore point where I she just shuts me down. But must add that since we saw a counselor where I addressed several feelings, including how I didn't feel like I was getting any help with anything but the cooking where she does generally all of it. But I end up working very often till dark. We have been working together on some of the cleaning and landscape and yard work. We are definitely getting closer again and having more fun. I am feeling much happier as family thought I was showing major signs of depression. I am finishing many undone projects on the house that we never have been able to do. Floorings, garden, organizing, cleaning, burning, dump runs, filing. Even though I generally do most of the work, I at least feel supported in my efforts and appreciated more. And she keeps me fed. Still haven't been able to bridge gap to having sex. But am starting to at least feel closer and more affectionate. But trying to deal with money matters she just seems to turn to instant bitch and argumentative. One step at a time I guess though. Still in general on days on work days, there's pretty much no motivation to do anything at all around the house besides cooking, while I will work on many things. She is very me much a mess maker, but puts off cleaning forever and can live in a complete disaster, and be comfortable. Not really meaning to bitch. Is getting better. All for now
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
How can I broach the subjects that are interfering with my feelings of intimacy, such as the lack of trying to stay at least reasonably in shape, be clean and trimmed for me, helping me feel like she cares enough to try to bring back what she originally brought into the relationship.
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, you really do give great information and help me to understand your relationship better. I would definitely like to give you some suggestions and steps to take with your wife to broach this delicate subject. I will return in a couple of hours with my thoughts and ideas. Linda
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
Okay dear man, it sounds like you are both heading in the right direction. It is good to hear that you have been getting closer, having more fun and that projects are getting done around the house again and yes, you are right one step at a time. I would like to suggest some steps to take to start building some intimacy again, although she is confident socially she may be doubting her sexual appeal, especially after realizing you were doing porn, (there is nothing wrong with doing porn and masturbating when it is in balance with the rest of your life). For women in general, foreplay starts in their minds and hearts, and then our bodies follow. Instead of thinking for the next couple of weeks how she is impacting you, why not think about how you are impacting her sexually. By this I mean, it may be time to start creating tender moments with her. It can be as small as giving her a foot rub while watching tv. Or a back rub when she is sitting in the chair doing something. Kissing her on the neck as she passes by, leaving her a note that she can find, that tells he how crazy about her you are, hold her hand fro a moment when you are both in the car, or reach across the table while you are eating and hold her hand for a moment. Lay down the foundation over the next few weeks for her to feel safe, loved and appreciated. When she does take a shower, go up to her and tell her how wonderful she smells and how great her skin feels, suggest that you take a shower together sometimes. go back to all the things you used to do for her to feel womanly and desirable. then after a few weeks of this, when you feel that you are both rested and in a good place with each other. Share with her how much you love her and how much you want to work on yourself and your intimacy. Use only I statements.....when we say you.....it puts the person on the defensive. It is better to say, I miss how close we used to be sexually, I used to love it when we made love in the morning, etc. build on this communication over time, be patient. Listen to how she feels, ask questions, do you miss.................. For her not to feel hurt or defensive regarding any discussion concerning her weight or body smells, she is going to have to feel close and safe with you. This is the most intimate part of who she is. And honestly, she is going to need to feel that you love her and are attracted to her no matter what size she is. This type of supportive, loving environment is what leads people to be better or make changes in their lives. She has already shown you, when you both went to counseling that she is willing to change for the relationship.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for the input. I have been doing these things again for the last couple of weeks which has been helping to get closer. I am not sure if I will ever be able to bring up how her size is affecting everything, not just sexually. She is in complete denial how portion size has anything to do with weight, as it has come up when talking about others. Unfortunately she seems to just eat more when she feels confident in our relationship. But I hope for at least the possibility of coming to bed freshly showered. Though she seems to almost have a mental block or too much pride to make any changes. So it has been with pretty much everything I try to suggest or recommend. Hopefully I can catch her after showering on a morning day off, and help her feel excited enough to shower at night. Just a freshening up, not hair. I hope it can break the barrier. I will try to find more thing to change of myself ,then maybe she can let some things go too. Thanks
Expert:  Linda D. replied 1 year ago.
I think we are coming to the end of our communication, but I do want to say I really respect how considerate and patient you are and unfortunately the compromises you have had to make. Again, look for the moments when you are both feeling very close to each other to broach the subject of what you desire. You know her best on how to do this. Please don't give up until you have tried every creative option for getting your needs expressed. It has meant a lot to me to be invited into this part of your life and to experience your heartfelt honesty. I wish you and your wife all the best. I would appreciate it if you would take a moment to rate my service to you. Thank you. Best regards, ***** ***** LMSW, CASAC

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