I've always had OCD since I was around 19, and since I had my baby, the OCD themes changed to my mistakes with my child. I've done things on purpose with my son, that haunt me every second of every day. I have 3 incidents that replay in my head every moment of every day. I analyze my actions over and over. I decide what I did
was ok, until I analyze it again, and decide it wasn't ok. My ambivalence constantly tortures me. I've been in counseling since I was 20 and nothing helps. I've come to just live with the OCD and accept it will never go away, and as my son grows older, I know will add
more and more incidents to obsess about. Here are the things I'm embarrassed, ashamed, and sad
about every day. These incidents rotate depending on different triggers.
The first incident was on Halloween. My son was asleep in my bed and I was just about done with my Halloween makeup when my son woke up. He usually has to be nursed right when he wakes up because he gets really upset, but I just needed literally one minute to finish my makeup. I put him in a bouncy chair next to me while I did my makeup and he screamed and cried so hard. I couldn't leave my baby to cry, so I picked him up, nursed him, and not wanting to put him in the awful torture chair again, frantically looked for something that would keep him happy for a minute. I saw my makeup case. He loves playing with my makeup case, and I haven't ever seen him stick anything in his mouth, so I decided that for one minute, he could safely play with the makeup case while I finished my eyeliner. I put him on the floor a few feet from me with the makeup, and he was happy. Phew. I quickly finished my eyeliner, just trying to hurry and worrying in the back of my mind if he was ok, but didn't even think to look back at him every few seconds. My only objective was to finish what I was doing and get back to him. He was fine when I returned to him, happily playing with a Q tip. We got our Spiderman themed costumes on and had a great night. The next morning, I got a sick feeling in my stomach when I remembered what I had done. I told my husband about it, and he thought it was fine since our son plays with the makeup all the time. I looked at the makeup case again, and I found a cough drop. An evil choking hazard that kills children or makes them brain dead when they choke on them and can't get any oxygen. Just look up Lily Higgins. She's paralyzed for life. I spend hours a day looking up the words "choking hazards", "cough drop", "child died from cough drop" on Google just to torture myself and prove to myself that what I did was wrong. I'd rather let a baby play with something unsafe than let him cry for a moment? Where's my logic? When I finally calm down from my daily panic
attacks, I tell myself, "The only thing that matters is that he's ok.", similar to your lyric, "at least the baby didn't die."
The second incident is the infamous Old Navy incident. There was an awkwardly set up display of pants in the kids' section and I was determined to find a pair large enough to squeeze my fat, postpartum ass into, since it would make me feel skinny again since I used to fit into kids' pants pre-baby(I'm 5'0" and just over 100 lbs.). I didn't see how I could look at the display so i decided to park the cart with my baby behind me, and then walk forward to look at the pants. I rationalized that he'll be ok for a second. The even dumber thing was that I parked the cart so that he could not see me, and I could not see him, since we were back to back to each other. I frantically searched for a pair of pants, paranoid that I couldn't see my baby, but feeling stuck with my decision. A little girl with her mom approached the cart and said, "Look at the cute baby, mom!" That snapped me immediately out of it. I imagined how that looked to the mom and the girl, a child in a cart with her mother facing the opposite direction and not in her line of view. I started babywearing when I shopped after that. I feared getting distracted again and someone stealing my child from a cart. I Google "child stolen from shopping cart" or "shopping cart abduction" almost daily. I've had my husband block Google and Facebook so I can't search or ask people what they think about the incident or other incidents.
The last one is the one I'm very ashamed of. I intentionally left my baby in the car. We were getting ready to drive off when I remembered that I'd used the stove before we left and wasn't sure if I'd shut it off. Pre-baby, I've left the stove on with food in it overnight while I slept, so I don't play around with stoves being left on. I decided that I probably shut it off, and started to leave. I had a terrible image of my house burning down with our dog in it, so I decided I needed to check it. But, the baby's carseat was heavy! I barely got it into the car (seriously, they aren't very friendly to mothers who are the size of middle schooler