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TherapistGale, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10
Experience:  30 years of professional experience providing psychotherapy and mental health services.
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My boyfriend and I have been together 7 years with a small

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years with a small break in the middle. We live together currently. He started a new job a few months back and works a lot and we don't have as much free time together as we'd like. And In the recent few weeks he has become distant when he's not home. However, when he's home he's loving and it's easy for us to laugh, love and have fun together. We still make love often and the passion is def there. It's obvious we love each other but he told me today he does not know if he's in love with me anymore or if a relationship is something he even wants. We actually just spent an amazing evening together two days ago so I asked him how he could be that guy in one instance and say this and be cold in another and he said because he loves me, and has fun with me and he's not miserable spending time with me...and he wishes it was something about me but it's not. I guess my question would be if we still make love often (more than the norm) and laugh and he says he genuinely loves me...could he have something else going on that he may not be consciously aware of that's causing him to question us and his love for me? Obviously, It's a loaded question and I want to think its not just that he has fallen out of love but I can't imagine a person can behave in the way they do and not be in love...thoughts?
Submitted: 7 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistGale replied 7 months ago.

Hi My name is ***** ***** I've been a psychotherapist for 30 years. I'm going to try to help you today with your relationship issue. It is indeed puzzling when someone says one thing but does another. He's told you that he's not sure if he's in love with you anymore and doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship. Yet you still have a very loving, passionate relationship. I wonder, have you asked him calmly whether he has perhaps met someone he's interested in?

Expert:  TherapistGale replied 7 months ago.

You asked whether it's possible that he has something going on subconsciously that's causing him to question the relationship. It is indeed possible that he is doubting his feelings without really knowing why. He did say that it has nothing to do with you which suggests it's an internal struggle for him.

Expert:  TherapistGale replied 7 months ago.

Usually when someone says "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" they are looking for an exit. I know that's probably not what you want to hear. But in a relationship as long as yours, it would be surprising if he said it without having thought it through for awhile before he actually spoke it out loud--unless of course he's a very impulsive person who regularly says things without thinking. Here's an article on the subject of "what I love you but I'm not in love with you" can actually mean written my a couple therapists.

Can you tell me anything else about your relationship or anything else he's said that might offer a clue? Has he suggested that the two of you live separately? See other people? Has he given you any clues about what he imagines your relationship will be going forward?

Expert:  TherapistGale replied 7 months ago.

Hi again. Just to let you know, I'm stepping away from my computer for a few hours. However, I'll check to see if you've left a response when I return this afternoon.

Expert:  TherapistGale replied 6 months ago.

Hi. I just wanted to let you know that I am still available to discuss this with you further if you like. If the suggestions I've offered so far don't seem to be hitting the mark, please let me know so that I can figure out how to help you better. My goal is to give you excellent service.

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