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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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There was an event that had been bothering me. I went to

Customer Question

There was an event that had been bothering me. I went to wake my boyfriend up to for us to head over to work but I wanted to drop by a place to eat first before heading there. He got annoyed which got me upset by what he said that I fell silent. We became quiet in the car as he drove, as he asked if I wanted to eat, I was silent and he drove somewhere for food. I told him, lets go to the park and hang out together after work. Again he wasn’t happy but he said okay. I got more unhappy, when he drove to the food place, I realize I wasn’t hungry anymore and told him. So he drove and ask if I still wanted to go to work, I didn’t reply and he headed towards home instead. I told him , I wanted to go work but he said it was too late. I got upset, smack the car signal and told him that we never get to hang out this whole week together unless we go to work together so I want to go. His respond was I can’t always get what I want, that’s when I threw a temple tantrum and kick his car. I felt trap and wanted to get out. I told him how miserable I was because I felt it at the time. When we got home, I went upstairs angry. He went into the room ,so I start walking loudly, smacking the book on the table to make him come out and when he did, he would say what is wrong with you and I threw a paper and a water bottle at his feet. So he left back to his room. Again I started throwing tennis ball in a basket and he came out to eat angry watching me, so I purposely threw it soft enough but to hit it on the window. After he finished eating, he told me to get out and I should call up the only guy I knew to go live with him. I got even more angry and smack over his vitamin bottle to the ground. We argue back and front so I decide to kick the trash can over. Now he was done, he said he is calling my sister and as he was dialing her number, I ran push him and slap him in the face. This was the first time that I did something like this but he said that I always got angry and it just been getting worse. The problem is I tell him what triggers me, he listens and than a month later, he does the same thing and start telling me that im too sensitive or it is my fault that I feel that way. Now he blames me for the whole failure of the relationship and that he can’t forgive what I did. What I’m worried about is why did I behave this way and if i can overcome this behavior ?
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. I cannot tell you exactly why you are behaving in this manner since I have never examined you before...there could be many possibilities such as a loss of control of emotions due to pent up anger/frustrations, this could be a possible symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), lack of maturity, etc...have you considered working with a psychologist/therapist to help you better understand why you act this way and to work on a treatment plan to overcome it?

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I want to but for now I was hoping I could get help here. He is my second boyfriend. I really don’t know which of the problem it is to be honest. The week was going great but than I notice he was doing things I told him would bother me again a year ago. I felt like what I ask of him to him is not reasonable but he doesn’t explain why it isn't. He just tells me I am too sensitive or somehow it was never be resolved because when we talk about it weeks later, he would forget what we talk about.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

Like I said, I cannot determine with 100 percent certainty why you are behaving in this way, but overall it sounds like you were so frustrated with your boyfriend that he was not giving you the attention you would like or listening to you that you acted out in this way because you knew it would garner a response by him as all other means to reach him failed. So you may not have been acting out to necessarily hurt him or because you were too sensitive, but because you were just increasingly frustrated by him and that you tried multiple ways to reach him that he was not responding to.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
that is really true but I thought there was something wrong with me for doing that. I have tried for 2 years, It started with the basic understanding nice talk like I don't like stuff like that. It makes me uncomfortable when he takes pictures and send to girls, I told him about my parents in the past where they had cheated on each other and it makes me hard to trust. So we both agree to not have opposite partners as friends. Fast forward to one year, we had to do long distance. We had arguments over fights because I would tell him to find a time to come when it is not during my exams and he would be angry saying that is his free time. We had a time about how if it is okay he introduce me to his friends and we talk for about an hour on it. But weeks later, it would make no difference. He would just tell me to not get angry, that's all he wants when I ask him what makes him happy? But it didn't make sense if all he wanted was for me to be happy, why can't he just do certain things I have asked so I dont feel uncomfortable. So I start to get worser because every time after I thought we have solve our issue, he would forget what we both spoke on how to solve the issue. I wanted him to remember but still in the end I went overboard and I realize now it didn't make him see anything except that it is all my fault.
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
by worser, I mean we fought about the same problem each time and I grew more and more angry. It was the same issue but different case.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

I feel that part of these issues are his fault as well and he should recognize that so that you both can work on these issues together. If you are the only person to blame in his mind than that means he is not fully accepting responsibility for his own actions. I am not saying that you are perfect mind you, but I do think that you just became increasingly frustrated with him that you basically "snapped" and acted in this manner to get his attention as you realize your words alone were not working. I do not think there is anything wrong with you in terms of a mental health disorder, I just think the situation/relationship is wrong and that is what is causing these problems, which is why you both are having increasing difficulties in the relationship.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
still i feel horrible for acting out this way thinking that it would get his attention. I did it when I was young before minus the slapping to my mother like throwing water bottle than she decided to listen to me and realize how hurt I was by them. I did it to show him how much he hurt me when he just doesn't listen but it didn't do anything. He doesn't know how to open up emotionally and I feel like it was my fault. because he thinks he does a lot since he pays for everything, he helps financially and he would cook and buy gifts that I like if I ask him, he would be physically there always but he doesn't realize emotionally he is not there . The things I really want is not those things he was giving me. I thought I had a problem because I was really upset at myself for thinking that acting like a fool would suddenly make him realize. Three days before I snapped, he was acting really weird bringing his phone while he shower, so I told him and he got annoyed and left his phone to go shower. Of course I look and I saw he was planning a trip with a group of people in 3 weeks, I asked him and he got angry so I got angry. By than he said, I didn't tell u bc you would get angry. I ask who was going and he said he doesnt know but I know more than he does since I read it so I got more angry. we were in the room speaking softly because his parents came to visit and was outside. We argue bc I was angry he can't reassured me when I kept asking for details. When I started crying an hour later ,he than told me and show me to make me feel better. This is how our fights always been.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

Well there is some distrust in your relationship since you looked through his cell phone and that could be because you have some insecurity issues that you may need to work on, which is what therapy will be good for. I still would recommend that you both consider couples therapy since the dynamic of your relationship has many faults which increases both of your frustrations and the arguments you both have.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
After we broke up, he blamed me, I blame me and his last word was I cant wait till you get out of my life, you money hungry B***.I thought maybe he was just angry by his words but three weeks later after I kept apologizing since he put me in a hotel room. I talk to him on the phone and he said I did a very stupid act and I have to suffer the consequences for the rest of my life and I am not ready to date. He said he doesn't want to go through all the work to help me with my problem. I felt disgusted for my behavior , I believe something was wrong with me. So i came on here to ask for help, I tried to think when I was very emotional and talking to friends, family, I started to see other problems like maybe I was depressed missing my dad and my dog (they both passed away 1 year ago), also my menstruation came three days later so I started to think maybe it was all of those problems. Than my family said maybe you believe he cheated on you so I shift to that. I was all over the place apologizing to him., I was miserable. He told me I was too much work to be in the relationship with, he said that he thought I would get better with my anger but I have gotten worse. All I see is my own faults.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

If you are only seeing your own faults than unfortunately it sounds like you do have insecurity issues because as I said I felt like part of the blame is attributed to him as well. I would recommend that consider going into therapy for yourself to work on these insecurity issues so that you are not constantly blaming yourself as well.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
u r right. It hurt a lot knowing that I made up a lot of things of what I thought to be true to hope he would forgive me. I realize I always say things I don’t mean, I make up a lot of stories to blame my behavior but it wasn't really why I did it.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

It would be best if you consider entering into individual therapy so that you can work on these things, and remember it will take time so try to commit at least a few months into said therapy. Good luck and I wish you all the best :)

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating at the top of the page so that I can get credit for helping you. Thank you, ***** ***** appreciate it.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
do you know why I would do such behavior ?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

Like you said it is possible that it could be insecurity from your parent's relationship issues, the cheating, and the mistrust.

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
when he broke up with me , I told him every possible thing lie what I Was going through when dating him just to have him back. is that stem from that as well?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

It could definitely stem from that insecurity you may have. Like I said before you most likely will need to undergo psychotherapy to help you better understand this and move forward from it.

We have been on this chat now for 1.5 hours, and I do have to get going and help other customers. I wish you all the best and I hope that you will be able to overcome these issues very soon with proper treatment.

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