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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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This is a little ..I have an old friend from gh school who I

Customer Question

This is a little long..I have an old friend from high school who I was very close with for a while. We were the type of friends where it just felt natural and sometimes it seemed like we could read each other's minds and we would just start cracking up for no reason. We became more than friends (slept in the same bed together and kissed was the most we did) I think I did like him more than a friend but I had just got out of another relationship and I didn't know what I wanted at that time. Things just got awkward and I sort of just stopped talking to him. He was very close with my parents and would get together with them occasionally without me. We still follow each other on social media and in the past we have liked each others posts (maybe him liking mine more than me liking his). Now I am married with a 9 month baby, I have been with my husband for 8 years (married for one in a half). A couple months ago he began to pop up in my dreams. Each time the dream was a little different but felt real like we were together (one time we even had sex). Now the ten years that we haven't seen each other he has tried to get in contact with my parents and he would ask about me. Those ten years I have been numb to the fact that I probably broke his heart because I stopped talking to him. I was always the type to try to get out of as situation rather than try to fix the problem. After I dreamed about him the first time I read into dream meanings and figured out that the reason I am dreaming about him is because nothing was ever resolved in our relationship. Because of this, I slowly started to try to get in contact with him (messaged him happy birthday on Facebook and told him I found an old picture of us and couldn't stop cracking up). He seemed to have appreciated me reaching out and we started liking each other's posts on social media. A little later on I felt horrible that he was still on my mind when I should be focused on my husband and baby. I thought that if I reached out to him to apologize for the way I ended our friendship and I told him I was shy and not a good communicator at that time and that I have always felt bad about the way I ended the friendship. He pretty much thanked me for my apology and said we were young at the time it was okay. After I reached out to apologize, I didn't expect for us to be friends or anything like that but he just stopped liking my pictures and it felt like it got awkward again. Now I know I could have brought up old feelings which made him upset and confused about why I even reached out since I am married with a baby. I totally get why he is not communicating with me if this is the case. But what I can't understand is why I can't stop thinking about him? He does not pop up in my dreams anymore but now after dreaming about him those couple times and our messages I just feel like I have really strong feelings for him now -how do I stop thinking about him when most likely he is a different person now, doesn't have any interest in being friends with me and I am married anyways? I am confused about why he popped up in my dreams after ten years when I didn't think about him at all before and could just live my life. I thought that my apology would allow closure, but it has not done this at all. My husband knows that I have reached out to him as well. I just don't understand why all of a sudden my feelings for him have developed again?
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for using justanswer. I am very sorry that you are having this difficulty with trying to figure out why you cannot stop thinking about this man. Truthfully the possibilities on why you cannot stop thinking about him are numerous and because I have not assessed you or seen you in a therapeutic setting it would be impossible for me to narrow down the reason why you cannot stop thinking about this man. It is possible that while you may have apologized to him, subconsciously you still have not resolved all of your feelings for him and the history you shared because the simple act of apology is only superficial and you may not have addressed the deeper issues. Another possibility is that there may be aspects of him or your relationship with him that you truly miss and wish your husband had. Can I ask have you considered undergoing any form of individual therapy to get at the root cause of this issue and to help you understand why you are thinking about him now after all these years?

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Hello,Thank you for your response, that definitely makes sense. I have not thought about going to therapy but it may a good idea. There are a lot of other issues that my husband and I have been going through as well and we do have very different personalities so maybe I do miss the simplicity of my old friendship. We have been to couples therapy once, but I feel it actually made issues worse and going to individual therapy first might be a better option.Kelly
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

Thank you for your response Kelly. Typically couples therapy will start off "bad" at first because that is when all the issues get laid out on the table so it can be frustrating and startling to some, but it does get better in subsequent sessions. But because this is an issue within you and I believe you would like to discuss it privately, I would recommend individual therapy to try to get at the deeper issues her and help determine why these thoughts are occurring now. Most likely your subconscious is telling you something, but I doubt it is a resurfacing of your old feelings for this man and most likely this is the way your subconscious is expressing your unhappiness or dissatisfaction with your current marriage.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

I hope this helps to provide you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any other questions or concerns as I would be happy to continue assisting you regarding this issue.

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating at the top of the page so that I can get credit for helping you. Thank you, ***** ***** appreciate it.

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