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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10628
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My husband and I have been together almost 2.5 years, but he

Customer Question

My husband and I have been together almost 2.5 years, but he has never climaxes during sex. I can only get him off by hand. I'm very distressed as I feel like a failure. He pleases me and I almost always climax. I love him and yet feel undesirable though we intimate several times a week. Though we're in our 30s we were both virgins before beginning our relationship and we are both overweight.
I don't know what to do. I want to try other positions and have asked how I could please him better and he says he doesn't know and incredibly rarely tries another position. I'm always on top which makes me insecure about my body. He says that he can't come when he stands and that it hurts when he kneels and I'm at a loss. I love him and feel like a failure as a wife. What do I do? If I bring it up he soothes me as much as possible and then moves on with the conversation as soon as possible. He blames insecurity which makes me feel like he doesn't trust my love. How can I bring his confidence level up? I compliment him and thank him when he pleases me. Are there positions you would suggest or techniques for overweight lovers? Are there books you would suggest reading? This is a major issue to me.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. I am a very sorry that you are having this issue with your husband, I can understand how distressing this can be for you. The first thing you have to realize is that your husband does not think you have done anything wrong in terms of the level of intimacy and the fact of the matter is that this is not your fault at all regarding what brings him to climax and physiologically arouses him. It is possible that for him that his level of sensitivity in his penis has been accustomed to a hand to bring him to climax that only this can occur for him at this time. What you can try to resolve that matter would be to consider a sex toy called a Fleshlight that you can use to bring him to climax as this would be a good medium between your hand and a woman's vagina to help him become more accustomed to climaxing during sexual intercourse and then over time he may be more apt to climax during intercourse with you.

As for sexual intercourse positions, truthfully pillows are going to be very useful here and he can place them on his knees or lower back to help cause less pain during sexual intercourse. Here are two good links of sexual positions that he can try to help "mix" things up in the bedroom.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_60/69_love_tip.html

http://www.thehealthsite.com/sexual-health/top-sex-positions-for-overweight-men/

No one is going to expect you or him to get used to these different positions and master them over night, as you have to practice and get in a groove to see what you like and what you do not like. Try to tell him that this is all for fun and for your benefit (both of you) to try new things and explore that level of intimacy with each other. Lastly I do believe that it may be wise for the both of you to also consider seeking couples therapy with a Sex Therapist as that can be an invaluable resource for the both of you to help provide individualized advice/treatment as you both try to adapt and change the way you both express intimacy.

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