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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I'm over 60, married 10 years to a lovely Thai woman I met

Customer Question

I'm over 60, married 10 years to a lovely Thai woman I met in Europe. She is 25 years younger. This is a first marriage for both of us, and we have no kids. She has a large, upper middle class family none of whom has the slightest interest in leaving their country. We both have careers. She is smart, funny, athletic, playful (except sexually), and has a great body. Although we enjoy our time together and share many of the same interests, inside the bedroom is a completely different story. She has always been extremely shy and unwilling to consider anything other than the missionary position. Forget oral sex, giving or receiving.
Prior to being married, I had many girlfriends/sexual experiences, but before me she had only two.
When I married her, I knew we did not have a strong sexual connection, but at the time, there were other aspects of our relationship that seemed more compelling than sex. In any case, I thought we would become more sexually compatible over time. However, this has not been the case, and I am very frustrated. For a few weeks, I found pleasure in viewing porn, but quickly recognized this was a dead-end, could easily become an addiction, and would probably only make matters worse. So now, I fantasize about previous girlfriends or women I see. I am tempted to but won't have an affair as this would break the trust we have. Not only do I not want to hurt her, but I would not her to leave me. Yet, my sexual needs are clearly not being met. Sex is just the missionary position until she orgasms, and then I follow. She refuses to let me go down on her and avoids going down on me. I shower, keep clean, don't make demands, but I'm just at wits end.
When I try discussing matters, the most she says is that she finds it embarrassing and that she was taught sex was something bad girls did (in Thailand, it seems, women are either hyper-sexual or very conservative, and she is obviously the latter). I have tried to be sensual, playful, patient, and not turn sex into something that seems mechanical, or demanding or selfish. When I've asked what please her, she just says sex in the missionary position is fine, or maybe on her side. It becomes a turn off realizing she has so little sexual interest or curiosity.
I love her but realize I have been sexually frustrated from practically the beginning.
I apologize for the length of this missive, but its as concise as I could make it.
What can I do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. Unfortunately it does sound like that your partner is not as sexually open as you, which I know is frustrating. Have you considered going to see a Sex Therapist to try to discuss this matter and help her understand that sex can be fun and adventurous?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
any recommendations....we are living in Sydney?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

The best place to go would be the Australian Center for Sexual Health as they have a number of therapists there that can help you and your partner. Another choice would be a private practice therapist:

Matty Silver, M.A.

302/54-58 Foveaux St,

Surry Hills NSW 2010, Australia

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