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Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. I am very sorry that your wife is having this difficulty regarding sexual intimacy. There are many different issues at play here and unfortunately in order to narrow them down she would need to be fully examined and to go through a full course of treatment. One aspect of this is when she says that sexual intercourse hurts and this can be caused by Dyspareunia, which can be attributed to either physical, psychological, or a combination of both. In order to rule out true physical causes for this, she would need to undergo an examination by an OB/GYN that is understanding of Dyspareunia and its consequences. Obviously I cannot tell you if there is a physical component to this or not and I would not trust the previous doctor that completely dismissed her concerns. Another aspect of this could be a hormonal issue that can cause low libido and she would need to undergo a complete hormonal blood test to see where her levels are at. This is a minor procedure that just includes a blood test, so she may be okay with this since it is not nearly as invasive as a pelvic exam. Also there is a possibility that her neurotransmitter levels are unbalanced and this can cause low libido and possibly Dyspareunia as well because this is a psychological/neurobiological issue. Unfortunately this is not something that can be tested, but it can be treated with Dopamine Agonist medications like Wellbutrin, psychostimulants, or Requip....but the use of Dopamine Agonist medications for this would be completely off-label.
Now sex therapy can help if this is only purely psychological, but she is the one that must decide to undergo sex therapy. I know you want to fix this, but you cannot fix something within her, only she can fix it and make the effort to resolve the issue if she chooses. Just like you are the only one responsible for your actions and behaviors, she is the only one responsible for her actions and that means only she can make the effort to try to treat this and overcome this if that is what she wants. You have been very supportive thus far, no one can deny that, but it is going to be up to her to try to put in the effort to try to treat this. I can point you in the right direction, but I cannot make anyone take the steps necessary to try to address and resolve this matter.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
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