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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10564
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My name flook my husband and have separated we are going to

Customer Question

Hi my name Angela flook my husband and have separated we are going to marriage counselling the counsellor has suggested we live apart as the marriage is to toxic she wants to try healing separation instead of divorce. There is a verbal abuse emotional abuse. Matthew has been gone 6 weeks put he still has some things here. But every time we make contact he still continues his behaviour of abuse which pulls me into a cyclone then responded and am angry for days later because what he does. I felt is so much despair I crying screamed and wondering what to do I don't have any support no family here friend I don't have at all. I go to church but when I tell they just pray which good but I need friend people to encourage me and help make it through. I live alone my son went back to his dads cause I could cope with me and manage I he is 18 years old I need his support by helping around the house but he was to busy living his own life. Just here to sleep and shower and eat at times. Also my job had drop to one day a week. Cause I missed a shift accidentally also I know have to tell the rental people my son has left gone to dads, when they just sorted out my rent from Mathew leaving what as mess. ti takes ages for that to happen. I got bills nobody lives here but me and the dog my children don't come 13 17 18 years I don't see them for Christmas or anything on there b'day that's it now. I have court orders but my ex husband has never stuck to them. I want just pack up and move to near my mother and dads place and start again. I feel like theres nothing here no purpose in my life no connection nothing I struggling mayoralty every second feelings like I dying more I don't have any drive to do and I also do don't know what to do I carne stand being at home every second feels like days and months. I go the other and pour myself into things and not deal with anythink. This is hard and I don't know what to with myself nor the marriage. I rang demonstic violence they suggest try living at home but violence out support people with violence my counsellor suggest healing separation which starting from the bottom up. i one hand it the behaviour and abuse can stop and love and respect put in place and be treated like a wife I would keep the marriage. I would prefer to have a stable marriage and a happy one with healthy boundaries my husband doesn't have any boundaries what so every. This whole marriage was build on wrong boundaries my husband has never been marriage before and has no kids. His 38 and I am 44 years old. He very selfishness and self centred he will push and push mentally emotional to treat me how he wants not taken any responisabilty in treating a women well kindness or gentleness he always wants to compete with me about my children or and any good he wants to destroy my kids brays my b'day our anniversary whatever normal families would do something happens to tear it apart. My husband always does something to cause trouble and it effect my own life with my kids. Before he came into my life. Just me and the kids things were running smooth with my kids I get marriage and all hell breaks lose. I coulda work way this happen all the time. I ve been marriage before but not this much destruction even in the last marriage. My previous I have been out of that relation for 11 years now but met Mathew 2 half years ago. He met me at a ladies bible study and said you will be my wife. I was not ready for marriage at that stage. But I end up marrying him 18 months ago. And its been hell. Every you could possibility go wrong has. In the first few months of marriage I struggle cause I haven't leaved with a man for along time and been marriage befor my love was at different place to matthew his was least honeymoon stage and aim ok we marriage lets do life together and let's start planning. I've got kids as week matt and they apart of me so U will have to work along side me with them. I was man who jump in not knowing what do in any area. Boy. 18 months later his still blaming me say I won't let him be a husband and you do care about me you love your kids more them me. He doesn't understand the different roles and he is always putting me down about my kids and is upset that he doesn't have any of his own, I told I am 44 years old and I don't think I could do and plus my changes are silimar now he never had a serious relationship ever any previous relationship he has had has only lasted 2 years the last women had kids to and she went back to her ex. While they were dating. As U can see this is a mess. I don't know what to do I travelled the road of divorce and separation before. I painful I feel like it s a double blow this time. Oh God help. My mind is filled with all that's happened and napping but feelings on loneliness and wanting connection it tuff. I haven got people to visit me me or even just to be a friend , its tuff not shoulder to cry on. Does Gary Chapman have any groups here I could join to connect with women.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello, I am sorry that you are struggling with your marriage and lack of support, I can understand how distressing this can be for you. Instead of couples therapy you should really consider going to just individual therapy and looking at your local community center/women's shelter for support groups as that may be helpful for you. Unfortunately this website is not affiliated with Gary Chapman at all and it is doubtful if he has any seminars in your area...either way you probably would not benefit from the long-term with those seminars and you should really consider individual therapy away from your husband completely so you can just focus on you and you alone.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok but about reconciliation in further. As I read Gary one more try he said try he said that if I have decided separate to work on yourself then the marriage later. But husband still has to deal with his destructive behaviour towards me. He suggest he doesn't come back until the abuse has been dealt with and the all the issue. I have a house I live in and I am not homeless. I thought that Gary Chapman might have a place in Australia for people who are separated and to get help. Its the whole idea it trying to save my marriage in the long run then divorce. I would prefer to every think possible to save the marriage then go divorce. Divorce is terrible Personally. I guess I don't want to fail at marriage. I want a healthy marriage and to being with and was hoping my husband was able to provided and support that. For himself and for his wife and step kids. Boy I guess all I can do is fix me and trust he will do the same at some point. And want I healthy relationship. And a marriage with healthy boundaries. Well I will have to do somethink to help me. Domestic violence get police involved which would included and AVo which would be on his destructive behaviour i pefer to not do that.. How than am I suppose to do healing separation when its about trying to rebuild yourself then the relationship. Isn't there away to do this without involving police. Getting individual couselloring then later looking at the relationship. The healing separation has no time limit it can take as long as you both need and the counsellor will not let us live together iuntil she can see changes in both of us and that the relationship is at a health place to live together again. But he will make we both have to do our part at our own ends. And there are boundaries that neither one can cross over its call living apart while trying rebuild you and then rebuilding the marriage. Well I still need a support group but the right one. iam trying not to go the road of divorce. But to save the marriage if possible in the long run. At this stage the marriage bridge is completely broken. Our own structure have to be rebuild the then marriage bridge can be rebuilt. I guess I can only rebuild my structures and hope that he will rebuild his own in a healthy way. Will I guess its in Gods hands. He is the God of the possibility. Yes he created marriage with healthy boundaries. Man just wanted to keep breaking them and that's why marriages are a mess. God didn't agree with divorce man decided that matter all because pride. But God is a God of restoration and reconciliation.. that's why Jesus can to restore us back to God. And took our place so we could be restored to God. There is no other back to God by accepting Jesus into life as Lord and Savoir and that he forgives everyone . Jesus the way back to God. If you accept what his son did for you and acknowledge that forgives you and took you place on the cross for you to be restored back to God Cause God created us in his own image and Jesus example of who God is show us how to Live and behaviour and act towards him and each other. The problem we allow our sin nature to get in the road of allow him to up us thru the power of his spirit . if we read and obey what he has written and ask him to help us by his spirit which he can our world wouldn't be in a mess. Man set there own rules against Gods rules that why this are Ina mess. I guess if follow the bible we carne go wrong. Its the instruction book to live life on the earth. No other book can do that. As they are Gods own words cause he is the word. Yes the people in it show how they lived when they obeyed hat happen when they disobey but God was still God he has never change same yesterday today and forever. Thanks for your help remember dont leave earth with out Jesus in life. God bless you. Ask Jesus to forgive you acknowledge he did for you and accept him as Your Lord and savoir, that saying Jesus save me. I cannot save myself my effect are fertile compared to you God.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Unfortunately you are putting all this pressure on yourself to make the marriage work and while I admire your desire to repair this marriage, your husband has no desire to maintain good boundaries and to show you respect. You have to understand you are the only person responsible for your actions alone, just like your husband is the only person responsible for his actions...so when he decides to abuse you in this way, that is his choice and than means only he can choose to stop this behavior. So if your husband is not going to accept responsibility for his actions and to change his behavior than that is on him, not you. I know you have deep feelings for God and divorce and while you may feel divorce is against God's wishes, it is also against God's wish for your husband to treat you in this manner. Right now you have to look at the plausible situation and see that if your husband is not going to put forth the effort to reconcile and change his ways than your marriage will never heal because it takes both of you to heal a marriage. So a separation of healing will not work if your husband is not putting in that effort to truly heal this marriage, as he is being selfish and just wants to continue to abuse and control you because that is the choice he has made.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
My phone is +610405398166 that mobile I don't have much money in the bank. At all may 100.00 dollars Australia to live off that's it.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Sorry it is not feasible for me to make an international phone call at this time. I am based in the U.S. and I only provide local country calls at this point.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Well where to go from here. Computers what happen real conversation and face to face. It sad that people to talk thru computers. Not having real connection any more we were design to be people image talking to your family via computer what sort relationship that would be its sad. I prefer the real thing talking people not typing.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I opened up your phone call request for other experts, so it is possible another expert will take it for you. I am only limited by the system here which is why I type out my responses. I would still highly recommend that you focus on yourself and seek out more individualized therapy

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