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Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1372
Experience:  Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
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Bill. I've been married a year n half and married my wife 2

Customer Question

hi bill. I've been married for almost a year n half and married my wife 2 months after meeting her. i feel in love with her and she was an illegal citizen and was scared of losing her. i was embarrassed to admit to my family that this girl swept me off my feet and she loved me just as much as i loved her so i married her because of love... instead i said i married her so she can get her papers. from the beginning my wife (even before being my wife met my family and spent sometime with them) was always respectful and nice to my parents n siblings. In return they were rude, at first making remarks i didn't hear or pay any mind to until she brought it up to my attention. my younger sister (who is married) said she didn't want her to sleep at her house (both of us there together) because she can't trust her around her fiancé. my brother was trying to be controlling of our relationship n wanted us to do always what he wanted and my wife didn't like that. my brother wife also made comments towards her. then my dad tried to have sex with her one night when i wasn't around, he denies it n swears to the grave but i trust my wife n know how my dad is. my mom and older sister are nice and behind the scenes brewing things up talking bad about us to others. nobody sees us as a unit. we went through a lot of heart ache n still to this day argue about things. mostly because its my family (mind you i haven't spoken to my brother and mother in over 4 months, my dad once in awhile i don't speak to my younger sister at all and on occasion i speak with my older sister) and its hard to hear her put them down. i know they're acting like assholes and have zero respect towards me n my decisions but to hear her say it hurts me. i try not to think about them and focus on her n i but when she sees Facebook it brings new things up and old. so i know that this has changed our relationship big time. even though i finally came and took my wifes side the damage is done. now my wife all she does is yell at me, all the time. always has attitude towards me always putting me down. i can't bare this much longer... i also left something out, my wife is a stripper who's tired of dancing and also recents me for being a waiter n not making enough money to get her out. she also doesn't know what she wants to do with her life (career wise) and she's 32 so her clock is ticking and wants kids but not till we get our life straight. she's always stressing of where were going to be soon without her dancing.. well because her dancing supports us, i don't make enough for the both of us n to save. Bill, i don't know what to do, i don't want to lose my love but i can't keep taking this verbal abuse. she always has some excuse of why she yells at me and switches the story around as if its my fault she's yelling at me. meanwhile I'm speaking to her genuinely... I'm not always speaking calm tho i have my moments as well. she tells everything to her mother and always imitates me as if I'm being the attacker. my wife also has a client from the club she dances at that she messages all the time. they say they love each other n care for each other he comes twice a week to see her... she says she cares for him he's a nice guy but she's not attracted nor is she sexually attracted to him. i believe her, my wife loves me a lot, she's always thinking of me. she makes sure i have my vitamins on a daily basis, cooks, cleans ( i help her with both) if winter is approaching she makes sure i have everything i need so I'm never cold, very caring for me. always wants to cuddle, and wants all my time. kisses me all the time. she makes me laugh. regardless of all the complaining I've told you, she's my angel face. I'm telling you these personal things because i need some help n i need to tell someone before i blow up. maybe I'm doing something wrong ... i don't go out (not even once a month) i don't smoke barley drink, don't do drugs... all because of her. i did all these things on a daily basis before meeting her. i try to stay calm n talk with her but when she gets upset she gets physical after, and then i get physical, i don't hit her i just throw her off of me. if i hit her ill hurt her n i don't want that. even tho when we argue i can see myself hitting her 1 good shot, i would never. she beats me down verbally n doesn't stop until I'm in the ground pleading for mercy, apologizing n everything and she keeps going... which in return gets my nerves going. the good is really good but the bad is really bad. and when it comes to money she always puts it in my face. says I'm using her for money, says we have no future if she stops because i can't support us, then says I'm an idiot for not going to school n accomplishing something already... i get it all n from all angles.whats crazy is in the beginning she was so sweet, and now she has these spurts of sweet but doesn't hold up. I'm getting tired of this as I'm sure she is with me. can you help me? email xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello, I am sorry that you are having these issues with your wife, I can understand how distressing this would be for the both of you. As you know this is a public and non-confidential website that does not provide treatment, but only answers to questions, so have you considered undergoing couple's therapy with your wife to help you both compromise on these issues and try to work together in achieving your goals?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
my email is on the post !! ... how can i edit this ?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I can ask customer service to remove your email.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
please do and thank you sooner the better
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
when i mention talking to a couple therapist she says we don't need it
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Customer service will get to it and remove the email at their earliest convenience. So I read the background of your issues with your wife and I know you are asking for help, but like I said this is a question and answer website, not a treatment website, so what are your specific questions you want to ask concerning this situation?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
how can i bring our relationship back to where we first started ?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
kind of hard to ask 1 specific question when it's all combined together... is there somewhere we can get free couples therapy ?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
you've also read this and can see it is complicated , perhaps you can help me get in the right direction of solving this?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

You have to understand that you are putting too much pressure on yourself to bring the relationship back to where it first started as this has to come from both of you. In order to repair a marriage, it takes both partners working together and if your wife is not willing to do that than unfortunately you cannot force her to. She must be willing to work with you to compromise and communicate about these issues in a civil manner so that you both can move forward in a meaningful manner. Free couples therapy may be possible at a free or low cost mental health clinic.

http://www.needymeds.org/free-clinics

You and your wife have so many issues that you described that it is probably going to take months of consistent therapy, communication, and sacrifice from BOTH of you for this marriage to work.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

It is very complicated and I do feel for your situation, but this is not something that will be fixed tonight and that is why you both need to consider seeking treatment together to discuss and work on these issues as a team

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
i have questions but unfortunately these questions are deep and would need to know the history of whats going on to answer them
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

If you want to go into the detail and ask the specific question, I would be happy to answer that question for you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
where to start ?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

That is up to you. Like I said this is a Q&A website, so start where you want.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
why are my parents and siblings so against (rude, inconsiderate, disrespectful) my wife?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
also my best cousins growing up all show hate towards her... n mind you she was nice n respectful to them
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I cannot really answer that since I cannot read your family's minds on this issue. Perhaps they do not like that you married her so quickly and to keep her in the country. Perhaps they do not respect her job. It seems pretty clear that they think you can do better and that is where most of the angst against her is coming from, but how you can do better is something only they can tell you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
they don't know she's a dancer
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Well like I said I cannot read their minds, only they can tell you why they do not like her, but it does seem obvious they feel you can do better.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
regardless of them thinking i can do better why would they treat her that way ? i would never treat any of my siblings spouses or if my best friend got married i wouldn't be mean to the girl if i thought he can do better...id respect his decision and long as he's happy thats what matters
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Like I said I cannot read their mind, so why they do what they do is something only they an answer. But the reason why should not matter as you should only focus on the fact that they do treat her this way and that is unacceptable to you, so you should continue to not have a relationship with them as long as they treat your wife in this poor manner.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
i agree and I'm going to continue not to. my wife thinks, and i believe this also is. the girls are jealous of her because my wife is gorgeous and my brother is jealous because of how her n i are together, because his wife like to drink. also because he's controlling over me (still treat me as his younger brother instead of a man whose grown up n make his own decisions)
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

That is possible too, and like I said their reasons should not matter as the treatment of your wife is just unacceptable.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
i agree. now how can i try to get my wife to calm down when i see her in one of her moods? she hates when i say relax or calm down ...
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I am going to opt out of this question and allow another relationship therapist to help you. Good luck

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
thank you for your help ... if you can have customer service take my email off id appreciate it

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