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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I am going thru so many questions in my mind related to

Customer Question

I am going thru so many questions in my mind related to pregnancy and prenup without which my boyfriend is not getting ready for mariage. I agreed to prenup as i don't want to abort the kid but he wants everything separate and wants to make sure in case of divorce there is no spousal support or no harm to him finanically in any ways. I am just so torn. i don't know if i should realy marry this guy. Or how to empty my brain to think over it and decide to leave him and abort the child. I am 17 weeks pregnant. He is divorced already, temperamental and aggressive even physically abusive at times, very often verbally abusive too. I need someone who can listen to me and guide me if it sounds right to marry him just for the sake of the kid?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello, I can definitely understand your concerns regarding the future with this man and your unborn child. May I ask, do you feel that his aggression, physical abuse, and verbal abuse is healthy in your relationship and do you believe he can change in the future or will this be part of your marriage? Have you tried to ask if he is willing to undergo couples therapy to discuss some of your concerns with him? And because you state that you may want someone to listen to you and be your guide, have you considered individual therapy at all?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We did go for couples therapy but I don't think the therapist was direct or very good. He just kept asking us what we felt and didn't advise anything solid. Things got a bit better after that. But this guy is so burnt from his past mariage experience or I don't know if he is basically this personality, he is frusterated and aggressive mostly, doesn't gel up with lots of people and lives in his own world where he is the best. He is noy abusive all the time, but 5-10% in general but is in good moods as well and tells me he loves me very deeply but I don't understand how can he be so aggressive and hurfully verbally and physically abusive those 5-10% times also. Why doesn't he feel afraid of me leaving him for ever.I left him so many times already. Life seems to much suffogated and unhappy when he is in this bad mood and spreading that bad negative energy. He is divorced and for he is the first guy in my life. I saved myself for marriage but he kind of forced himself onto me and then I thought I lost my virginity, and no good guy would prefer me as wife as he will know I am not a virgin (I am not american and am from a culture where loosing virginity has not been considered a good thing before marriiage ). Now I fel I overthought about it and no one actually cares these days if you are a virgin or not, I was in my own nice cocoon and hence tried to tolerate him and kept coming back to him thinking no other guy will marry me, so he is th eonly option and I should kep trying fixing him. He did change but not a lot, sometimes he is very good sometimes he is not. He goes for regular weekly therapy also. I wasn't aware earlier. I saw lots of medicines in his fridge too which he said were food suppliments but few of the medicine names were for bipolar disorder. I am not sure how to get the details if he has any mental disorder or he is bipolar or insecure or what...why is he making my life helll at times. His nature definitely is not keeping me happy and eirther I ignore him to stay happy or leave him forever. Sometimes it gets so suffogated and I cry so much for my good heart for accepting a divorced man who showed me such bad times (among some good time), never gave me any gifts that I can remember, not even a birthday cake in 4 years, he even asked mostly to split restaurent bill until few months ago, asked me to pay half of his mortgage and if not in full when we fought and I said I will leave as soon as I find a new place, he asked me to pay him $100 on daily basis. I did that for some time and then I told him to behave. I decided again to stay as I was pregnant and torn between aborting and not aborting the child. I am 34 years old and abortion at 17 weeks pregnancy may create problems for me for bearing children in future and also the child is already almost a fully formed kid, so I don't want to kill him. He also wants the kid but cannot change. He belittles me with abusive and hurtful words now and then. I always feel I am and used to be such a respectful person all along my life and then this person came into my life via a matrimonial website and didn't tell me he was divorced, behaved well in the beginning but then forced himself onto me and later kept abusing me with his demands, words, physically and every possible way. For me marriage was the biggest thing in life that could happen for me and make me happy but he has taken that away too ...I can say it was my responsibility too as I decided to continue relationship with him and got pregnant (not t aking birth control as somewhere i wanted to get pregnant) but now I feel stuck. I am living with him from past 3 months and I feel life could be very depressing, full of frusteration and mostly on my own if I live with him this way all my life. Then what is the fun of having this child or getting married if life is going to be all my life on my own expenses and doing things for myself and him and his children, relinquishing rights on most of the things he has on prenup and feeling so unhappy all my life when I still have the chances to find a respectful good guy and live a happy and respectful life. No huy is going to be perfect but this guy is making me feel so bad about everything about myself and my life.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I feel like asking God if he is really there, why he brought so much sorow in my life. So many lies, cheating and such a bad man. I am afraid if I get married to him and continue being so unhappy, I may leave him very soon or want to kill myself. He keeps changing his attitude. He can be worst and loud for a minutes and then apologizing pampering and sorry joking the other. I just don't understand him. I really don't know if I should stay with him and keep the kid or leave him with a risk of not getting married or pregnant again as I am already 34.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I don't discuss my problems with anyone as I don't want my friends and family to know how I am being treated, so disrespectfully ***** ***** stuck I am. It will be disrespctful for me also that someone is treating me so bad and I am letting him do so. So, I don't know what to do. What's right???
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your more detailed description of your circumstances. I obviously cannot make the choice for you on if you should stay with this man or not; or keep the child or not, as these are decisions only you can make without interference from anyone. What I can say is that even if this man is abusive 5-10 percent of the time, that is still too much as he should not be abusive towards at all no matter what. Given the frequency of his abuse and his desire to not get attached to you in case you two divorce, most likely he will escalate his abuse over time and it will cause you increased frustration and emotional pain, unless he gets possible treatment for his issues. It sounds like you do not really want to marry this man, but you feel you must out of obligation or because you feel you have limited options due to not being a virgin and your age. The fact is that in Western Culture most people do not care if you are a virgin or not and also your age will not preclude you from getting married in the future as most people around your age put off marriage to focus on their career as this is quite common. Overall it sounds like you are forcing yourself to find reasons to marry this man even though there are numerous warning signs telling why it would not be in your best interest...like I said I cannot make the decision for you, but based on what you described it sounds like there is a good chance things will get worse the longer this relationship continues.

As for the unborn child, your physical and emotional health is paramount here, so definitely weigh the risks of a potential abortion with your physical health first. In addition, if you choose to get an abortion you must do so for yourself not because of this man. You have to decide on if an abortion is in your best interest for your overall well being. Also you can consider keeping the child and sharing custody with this man without marrying him as your only connection will be the child...this could be hard for you, but not impossible. Of course if you do decide to keep the child, you should know that this man's problematic behavior will be a factor in the child's development and may emotionally harm the child as well given the likelihood that his aggression and abuse will worsen as times moves forward.

I cannot tell you what to do, nor what is right here as what is right is relative to the individual. But I hope I at least gave you some perspective and insight on your situation to help you make a more informed decision. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.

*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I don't think I ever wanted to be with this man. Just now also sitting on the other side of the bed he called me whore, shit and what not. I just don't undertand for how long I am going to take this abuse from him. I am not responsible for his issues at work or frusteration due to work problems or failures in his other lines of carreer he wants to pursure. I am so broken. I respected myself so much and I don't remeber crying ever, I cry all the time, for my choice of being with him and trying to have a kid with him and now him pushing getting married based on prenup and prenup too, to all his benefits with no clause on spousal support or abuse and adultary or anything that may go against him. He wants thing to stay separate and he just wants a woman in his life who can cook clean for him and give him kids. I really fail to understand if this is just this guy or all guys will be this bad as I didn't have any relationsjip with any guy before. I feel stronly that I short sold myself because of making the mistake to be at his place and then him forcing onto me and not being a virgin anymore and feeling my age was getting over to get a good marriage .proposal. This has been happening from past 4 years and I wonder now why i tolerated this guy. I am a well settled six figures earning independent respected woman in manhatten whose personal dreams are shattered by this man. I have been punished for my good and forgiving heart. I will have to go thru so much now for leaving this guy. The emotional pain from past 4 years, the abortion of my first could be child. I already went thru some pregnancy problems and after 17 weeks I ultimately have to abort the kid or this guy will rob me of my life peace and happiness. I worked so hard to be where I am today and respect myself for being where I am. I am well respected at work and evrywhere else, but this guy even after getting forgiveness so many times, and inspite of respecting for sticking aorund for so long and thinking I accepted him inspite of him being divorced, he has been making me so unhappy and abused. I don't think I can take it anymore. I am not sure what effect its going to leave on my heart brain and mind for aborting the child and going thru the emotional and physical pain but I am not sure if being with this guy also is going to keep me living life.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I am always afraid of his reaction to a diffcult situation - never calm and thoughtful and it keps getting worst more things not happen as he wants them to. He starts fights on the road, shouting, pulling threatening...he lies all the time about everything even after almost 4 years of being on and off in this relationship. I have no idea if I am doing wrong or right by tolerating him.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

It sounds like you are ready to make a decision on moving away from this man and possibly aborting the child for your own well being and peace of mind so that you have no connection to this man at all, which may be best for you. If you are concerned about what would entail from an emotional perspective afterwards, you can consider seeking therapy to help you move forward and heal not just from the possible abortion, but from this possible relationship as well. There is no excuse for his abuse and you should not have to live that way because of it.

*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Whenever it comes to getting married, I get cold feet and I feel he is not th eright choice but then I feel I may not get other better guys too and that makes me think I should get married to him just for the sake of getting married and this child now as I am completely self dependent and need no support of any kind from him. But will that be life? Living frusterated and not happy about this decision? I know deep inside I don't want to marry him. I never wanted to but he trapped me becasue of my traditional outlook.
He abused me physically more than couple of times really bad. He hit me so many times on face that he split my lower lip which took weeks to heal. He was so apologetic and told me to hit him as many times as I want to feel good, that I thought he did that in the spur of the moment but now I think I should not have excused that at all.The other time he pulled me from the door when I was goign to office early holding my purse and laptop after a heated argument with him because of which I threw the glass on the floor and it broke, he pulled me and threw me on the floor and hit me so many times on my face that I had several mounts and blood clots, scars on the face, and I went to the office just life that telling my boss and others that slipped on the bathroom floor. Those scars were not the bathroom scars but I didn't want to tell what happened and make them pitty me. I am a very strong girl and I will not want that. Another time, he threw my sandle at 11pm in the night saying i need to be punished for reading one of the document that he didn't want anyone to read at his place (Which I only told him about) and also my flip phone into two. I had no way to buy new shoes or call my friend whose place I was staying in and somehow got shoes from one 24 hours open store and reached my friends place very late in the night. He cried with tears in his eyes after doing so but few months later pulled and crushed my specs under his shoes in front of me in a garage where we went to take out his car and I picked up a paper from the seat and read it which said he went to Michigan and he hadn;t told me so. He again said you read my document again and you need to be punished so that you don't do it again. I am not a kid, I was a 30 years old and th epaper was on teh car seat where I was supposed to sit. This and so many other times, when he physically abused me, chased me, threatened abused me on the road and people stopped to help me (though he was not being physical on the road, mostly verbal only). I have always been unsure if I am being hypersensitive or he is really beaving weird and unacceptable way.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He wants to finalize prenup tomorrow and then get married on Friday before his parents are here (visiting him) but hurting me so bad abusing me and my family calling names and making sure prenup is drafted in a way so that he has nothing to loose if divorce or separation. How do I get married to him day after tomorrow feeling so bad today? Or ever in that manner.He keeps being good and being horrible at times. I have never heard any guy calling such names to the girl and her family and what not. He has not even interacted with my family much to call them names like this.He also told me he gets sick when stressed and by saying I will not sign the prenup the way he wants he will get very stressed and sick and that he gets so sick that he ends up in an ER and in the past also he has been admitted to ER due to stress related problems.But he didn't only lie about being married and divorced, he lied about having properties that I knew he owns as I saw an email then another couple on his phone proving he owned those properties. He came with his family last year to my place talking about marriage with my parents and when we asked about one of the property indirectly his mother and father also lied that he doesn't have any property in that city and that property belongs to his married sister and they are just taking care of it. While writing prenup he disclosed everything , he had to , and he listed that property owned by him. So many other lies. I just don't trust his reaction (if would e respectful or he willhave a meltdown anytime in front of anyone) or trust him at all. He lies all the time.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Like I said I cannot make the decision for you, but because you are in an abusive relationship like this and he shows no real motivation to change this behavior will most likely continue and get worse over time. His manipulation and abuse are problematic for you and you have to decide if that is the marriage you want or not.

*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He finally agreed to what I wanted and the prenup covers only what Law already states except for both of us are relinquishing rights to each other's newly bought condos. So that battle is resolved. Hopefully things will work out....???I enquired about abortion at this late stage almost 18 weeks of pregnancy and most of the reviews and articles say it's could cause many reproduction and health related issues. There are chances that no big harm but yet high chances of medical complications and later life problems. I don't even feel I should kill the kid as i am already almost 34 years old and I have see my sisters and friends struggling with infertility problems, going thru treatments and than having kids after a very long treatment wait.I am thinking of signing the marriage agreement and marrying him as agreement is no longer an issue and nature of how he treats me is no gurrenttee with any guy at all.i hope I am making the right decision? Please advise.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
After marriage evrything will be common property, spousal support clause is not there and no other clause that makes him take away anything from me which should be shared/common as married couple.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

The decision is up to you, but it sounds like you have all the legal issues handled so far. I still believe this man will continue to abuse you and possibly your future child given his history and that this abuse will only escalate. Hopefully he will get treatment for his issues in the near the future so that he can be a better supporting partner to you.

*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I was happy sending this message to you but just now he had another aggression outbreak. He shouted so loud and brutally at me for making another minor update which is good for both of us and delaying him cause he has to pick up his parents after 2 hours. We could have done it later but he wants to do it now only n shout n verbally abuse inside and outside on the door. I am just not used to and okay with people talking this way to me
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I have noticed that you have not rated me yet for my answers, and in fact you have not provided a positive rating to any question you have asked on this website since 2013. Remember experts only get compensated once you rate, so as a sign of good faith I would appreciate if you can rate me positively before continuing. Thank you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I am not done yet. I will rate after I am dine
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
2013?? Why have they been charging me then?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

The website still gets the payment, but the experts do not when you do not rate them.

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