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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I had a very intense relationship with a person who has

Customer Question

I had a very intense relationship with a person who has Boarderline personality disorder. We have been broken up for a long time. Sometime we would still hang out but in the last few months she has been abandoning me. She has said things like Its easier to see other people. Why has she neglected me if she still loves me? Why has she abandoned me? It makes me feel worthless and that i am not worth the effort.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for your question. Unfortunately there really is no reason or "why" an individual with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) behaves the way they do, it is just part of the nature of their disorder. You have to understand that you are thinking things through in a logical manner, but her BPD causes her to behave illogically and thus this is why you cannot understand the reasoning of her behavior due to the illogical nature of BPD. Individuals with BPD will often idealize their romantic partners for a period of time and then will reject them...there is no logical reason for this behavior for the individual, it is just an ingrained process inside of them that causes them to behave in this manner. So because your partner has BPD, this has caused her to push you away because of a deeply ingrained process within her identity...it does not have to make sense to her because it is like an impulse that she cannot resist. Your partner probably does not want to hurt you at all and wants you to be happy, but this disorder interferes with personal and romantic relationships, which is why there are so many ups and downs in a relationship with someone who has BPD. Your partner most likely does not want to reject you, but like I said the symptoms of BPD cause her to push you away because of how strong BPD is and how ingrained the disorder is within a person's identity. Overall your partner's mental health disorder is what is causing this behavior and is not truly what she wants, but BPD is such a debilitating disorder that it is very difficult to resist the impulses and symptoms that this disorder creates in a person's life.

I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Why does she reject me but want to keep me in her life with occasional text messages? Is it her fear of abandonment?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Individuals with BPD definitely have a fear of abandonment and that is one reason why she will not break off ties completely. In addition, individuals with BPD are also prone to manipulation being that she will keep some type of connection to you in case seeing "other people" does not work out well for her, so that she can go back to you for that attention, compassion, and warmth you would provide. But then when she feel secure in herself again, she will start to distance herself from you and start the cycle/pattern all over again.

*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
One last question. The things she did in our relationship hurt me immensely. I have been single for two years. I have tried therapy but I still find it difficult to even consider having a new relationship or start dating because of trauma. Do you have any tips on how to get myself to move on?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I am very sorry that you are still hurting from this previous relationship, I can understand how distressing this can be for you. Unfortunately there is no trick or tip that will be able to help you overcome this trauma outside of systematic therapy. What you should try is a form of therapy called Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) as this is a very effective and novel therapeutic approach that can help individuals who have suffered through trauma (it was originally designed to treat PTSD, but has been adapted to all traumatic disorders).

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