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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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A 65 Year old Doctor - diagnosed as a BP - divorces s wife

Customer Question

A 65 Year old Doctor - diagnosed as a BP - divorces his wife on the basis of not wanting an intimate relationship - just massage parlours & hookers . He is in need of Viagara ; on amicable terms with his ex but house he resides in is now more like a gents hostel than a happy home . Initially the thought of divorce elated him ; he could kick up his heels but the reality not quite this . How can Borderlines get it so wrong ?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello, so this man was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) at such a late age? And what exactly are you asking when you state "how can borderlines get it so wrong;" what exactly is this man getting wrong?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
The reality of living alone appears to be nothing like the single life he envisioned or indeed fantasised about . I suppose one doesn't have to be a Borderline to idealise something only to be be disappointed . Moreover , given his low testosterone levels he must now come to terms with his own impotence , the ageing process , mortality and lack of connection with his adult children . This so called 'lack of connection ' was previously blamed on his ex . Though exceptionally intelligent & aware of his diagnosis (& that one size doesn't fit all ) he seems to have got it wrong in the sense that he's 'thrown out the baby with the bath water ' as they say . He is a workaholic , generous but empty at his core - readily admits his incapacity to love . We, his family , worry about his self - imposed loneliness , alcohol consumption & gambling .
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I am sorry that this individual is struggling like this, as he is most likely making rash and impulsive decisions as a way to mask his symptoms and not deal with the core issues. Now what exactly is your mental health question that you would like an answer to regarding this man's behavior?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
How should we behave when he gives mixed messages ? It's often a case of 'come here ' & 'go away' . How to help in his wretchedness but remain detached within set boundaries - !
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I truly am empathetic to your situation and I admire that you want to help this person, but remember only he has the power to help himself. You can say and do everything right by him, but in the end it is up to him to choose to behave differently. The best thing for you to do in this circumstance is to set firm boundaries on what you feel is acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable behavior, so when he is expressing acceptable behavior that is when you can be supportive to him and show him that when he is like this than you will be there for him. Also tell him that a meaningful relationship should be caring, supportive, and kind and when he pushes you away (and others too) it will cause you to hesitate getting close to him. These are the boundaries you have to set with this man and if he is receptive to what you are saying, than it is possible you can persuade him to seek out therapy for his issues as way for him to vent and process all these emotions and thoughts he has. By setting up firm boundaries you are becoming effectively detached, but leaving hope that he can change for the better if he truly wants to.

I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.

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