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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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My wife and I tried to reconcile after separating in December.

Customer Question

My wife and I tried to reconcile after separating in December. In November it was revealed that she was having an emotional fair for the past several months. In December, while she was on her own, I contacted his commanding officer on the army and a no contact order was put into effect. She came back in January and it was like we were on cloud 9. It was a honeymoon phase. As the months passed we became distant. Little to no physical intimacy and sex on one occasion. Through counseling, we reaffirmed our vows and I promised to never threaten or bring up leaving. After another 6-8 weeks of no sex and cold behavior, I asked to have a serious talk with her. I told her I was really struggling with the lack of sex and thought we should consider ourselves friends for a while so to take pressure off of her in regards ***** ***** physical. Within the last week she has told me this is me wavering once again and she is done..she can no longer fight for our marriage because she is exhausted. She is adamant about divorce now and even told her kids (my step kids). Is there any hope? Am I in denial? Thank you
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I am very sorry that you are having this issue with your wife, I can understand how distressing this can be for you. It sounds like your wife is not accepting her role with these difficulties in your marriage and is blaming you for this distance and lack of intimacy. This is a form of deflection where she is purposefully not accepting her responsibility on this matter (and other issues in the marriage) or she is in denial and not aware of her role in this. Either way, it does not appear that she is willing to accept that she has to make an effort in this marriage as well and because of that it would be best for you to consider a trial separation. Maybe with the space, she will understand that she cannot blame you for this distance as she has to accept her own faults too. Only then will you two be able to work on this matter together and overcome it. You have tried to reconcile with your wife and have made concessions in this marriage to help bring you closer together, but you cannot do this alone as she has to make these sacrifices and efforts too. So there is hope for you two, but much of this has to rely on her and her ability to accept her role in these issues within your marriage.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok, then it seems like my best course of action is to regain some dignity and strength and give her this separation. If in time she realizes things and wants to change, so be it. Today she said she does still love me, and wants this marriage but she is too exhausted and is finished. That she is giving this to me so that I can move on as well.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I think that would be best to at least consider a separation and hopefully when the reality of this sets in she will realize more of her issues on this matter and will work with you to try to resolve it. But if not than you can at least be in a better position to heal and move forward
*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I noticed that you viewed my answer and I was checking in to see if you have any further questions or concerns that you would like me to address on this issue?
*****YOU ARE ALMOST FINISHED…EXPERTS ONLY GET COMPENSATED FOR EACH POSITIVE RATING, SO I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU COULD GENTLY MASH ONE OF THE 3, 4, 5 SMILEY FACES/STARS THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU GO. THANK YOU SO MUCH AND IT WAS MY PLEASURE HELPING YOU WITH YOUR ISSUE*****

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