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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10627
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I have been married years and I think we have gotten into a dys

Customer Question

I have been married for 27 years and I think we have gotten into a dysfunctional relationship. My husband is a controlling person who criticises a lot. This includes in our sex life. I realize I have been "running away" from him for years and dread sex with him because I can't seem to do it right. I do 95% of the parenting of our two daughters, and he parents by telling me what I and the girls have done wrong, expecting me to fix it. I've started to dread him coming home, and welcome any time away from him. I support him unconditionally and have helped him achieve his dreams by working my ass off so that his company made it through some very tough times. I have put my own dreams on hold thinking that once we are throught the tough times, I will get my turn. We got into a lot of debt as a result of his business, and I have been repaying it. I now know that I will have to demand time and money if I am to fulfill my dreams. I am not very affectionate, because I am avoiding him.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Recently he went travelling and had an "affair" with his travel guide. They flirted, kissed, cuddled and (according to him) did not have sex. He is still texting her and does not seem repentant. I feel like a fool. What should I do?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I am very sorry that you and your husband are having these issues, I can understand that you are frustrated and distressed by his behavior. I would like to ask a couple questions to get a better idea of what you are looking for, so that I can better assist you.
1. Have you mentioned to your husband if couple’s counseling would be useful? And if so how did he respond?
2. Does he state why he is not ending contact with this other woman? And does he feel repentant about the affair?
3. As you know your husband better than I, do you believe he has the capacity to change and be a more supportive and compassionate partner?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
1. he would be willing to go to counselling but our finances won't allow it right now. we have our daughter in counselling for anxiety and it is costing all our available money
2. I think he does not consider it an affair because it wasn't sexual. I think he feels entitled because of our lack of sex life.
3. he might have the capacity for change. I'm not sure I can get over itI am not sure I can get over
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for your responses as it helps me to better understand your situation. Individuals in marriages have had affairs before and the marriage can still survive, but there has to be important considerations made for that to be possible and I do not see that from your husband. First, your husband is continuing to talk to this other woman and does not feel like what he did was wrong, even though it was definitely cheating and he definitely had an affair. It would be amazing if you asked him if you did the same thing with another male, how would he feel? Secondly he is not being supportive in the home with you and the children and this creates a distance between you and your children with him. And lastly I see no effort by your husband to compromise or work with you on repairing this marriage, and you cannot do this alone as it takes both of you to truly repair a marriage.
Given everything I pointed out with him and that you do not believe you can get past this chronic behavior and now the affair (which he is continuing in some fashion), I think a separation would be ideal for you here so that you can take a break from him and the marriage and focus on you (and your children). You do not have to make any future decisions about the marriage at this time, but a separation will give you some time to consider if this marriage is truly worth it and it allows you the space to process all your thoughts and emotions regarding your marriage and what you want to do in the future. In addition, a separation can give your husband the reality that he may very lose you unless he truly changes for the better and realizes all the sacrifices and hardwork you have done. After the separation you will have to come to a decision on if this marriage is salvageable or not, and that is largely dependent on how you process things during the separation and how he reacts to it as well.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. I truly wish you all the best no matter what decision you make and I truly hope that you can find happiness moving forward. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.
*****Remember I only get compensated for my hard work through positive ratings, so I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE RATING using the smiley faces/stars. Thank you so much and it was my pleasure helping you with your issue.*****
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I noticed that you viewed my answer and I was checking in to see if you have any further questions or concerns that you would like me to address on this issue?
*****Remember I only get compensated for my hard work through positive ratings, so I would truly appreciate it if you can take the time and provide me with a POSITIVE RATING using the smiley faces/stars. Thank you so much and it was my pleasure helping you with your issue.*****

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