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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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When we first got to know each other, he told me I want to

Customer Question

when we first got to know each other, he told me I want to marry you but I cant do it now, its better if you stay in your parents house, get your degree and when youre done with school, we will get married and have a decent ceremony. he said meanwhile he would be able to save up. few month after he decided that he doesnt want to wait until I finish school and he said we get married next year and you dont have to work when you go to school so you can finish it up faster. He said he can save up for our wedding in the one year we have left. next month is that one year we were supposed to have our wedding, we didnt save up a penny. we're barely making it. we moved in 3 month a go, because when his mom left, he couldnt afford 1400$ rent. when she was a round, he only paid 600$ for the rent and his mom paid the rest. he made 2000$ monthly and didnt save a penny when she was around. 4 month into our relationship, i didnt have a car, so he pushed me to getting one, because he didnt want me to go to school by bus, he told i take care of the monthly lease payment. He pushed me into getting a 5000$ credit card so I can make a down payment, and lease a bmw. Im not blaming him all the way, but he pushed me into this, I wasnt happy with it, I wanted a cheaper car where payment wouldnt go over 250$ but he kept pushing me and telling me dont worry about the car payment. I make enough, I pay it. and he did pay it but that meant not being able to save anything. 420$ for bmw, and 200$ for his own car, plus 350$ for insurance because he had 2 accidents and couple tickets, my driving record was completly clean. cars alone with insurance costs him 1000$, add up the gas to work, I barely went anywhere, but on the weekend he wanted to drive the bmw so add 50$ gas every week, and resturants and hookah bars we went to every single weekend. we never stayed home, I wanted to but he always got mad at me, that I go to work 5 days a week, and i deserve to enjoy my weekend. thats why 1 year and a half through our relationship and we dont have a penny, and when I try to talk to him about this, he gets angry and yell at me, and tell me If im not happy I can leave. He keeps saying that I worked for both of us, and I had bought everything you could every dream of, things that your own parents never did for you, and this is how you thank me. I never asked him to do any of those things for me, he practicly forced me into buying me things, and taking me to vacations. I forgot to mention we went to vegas 4 times, once I wanted to and the rest he wanted and made me agree to it, add that up to cost as well. 4 month ago, around the times his mom left to another city, he lost his job as well, so he started working on uber as a driver, on his own time. first 2 month it was good, but then one week he was sick and he didnt go, and the next week I got sick and he didnt go to take care of me, after that I feel like its hard for him to work anymore. one day he goes, next day he fights with me over a little thing, and he just doesnt go. we are supposed to just register as husband and wife in a month, and then have the ceremony by the end of the year, but Im scared that day never comes, like the rest of his promises. Im scared to marry him, because when I look back, nothing he promised, he was able to carry it out. I dont know what to do
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I believe I may be able to help you with your concern. I am sorry that you are having this issue with your partner, I can understand how distressing this can possibly be for you. I would like to ask you a few questions to get a better idea of what you are looking for, so that I can better assist you.
1. I understand that you are saying you do not know what to do, but because this is primarily a Q&A website, what is your specific mental health question that you are asking here?
2. Due to the fact that you both have all these expenses and your life is not as orderly as you would want it to be, would he consider pushing back the actual wedding until you both are established?
3. Since you both have tried marriage counseling, what did the therapist say to you and/or him about his lack of effort?
4. And lastly what do you want? You are asking about what to do, but what do you specifically want from this relationship right now?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
If i knew what I want I wouldnt be here, asking for help. Im confused, I know I love him, but Im scared from our future, based on the life decisions he had made so far, and based on the fact that he has a temper problem that everytime I pinpoint something that hes doing wrong, he jumps all over me.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I understand that you are confused and I obviously cannot tell you what to do because I do not know you as a person and the choice of what to do with your own life is entirely up to you. Now I am assuming that when you say he "forces" you to do these things concerning the car, vacations, the wedding, etc...this is where his anger problem comes into play if you disagree with him and that is why you consider this more like force or intimidation, would that be correct? If the relationship continues in this way where everything has to be his way only and that your input is not being considered than I would have to admit that the future of your relationship and possible marriage may be increasingly frustrating for you. A relationship/marriage is about compromise and sacrificing for your partner, but it appears that you are doing most of the sacrificing because you are always going along with what he wants and says, and if you speak up and try to voice a different point of view he gets angry with you. That behavior in itself is not compatible for a healthy relationship, so your partner will have to make some changes so that you can be included more in any decision process and that your input will be given as much value as his own.
Once again I cannot tell you what to do as that choice is up to you, but I do believe you have a valid point and that some changes need to be made in this relationship so that you can feel more included.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.

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