Hello, please help me, I'm losing hope in my self, I'm 25 yo male, Before December of 2014, I had health anxiety
(mild) fear of diseases, and Social Anxiety, I sit alone in my room alot on my laptop, I don't get bored, last December, I had a mild panic
attack in the car caused by feeling out of breath while singing, I thought nothing of it because I had dealt with a panic attack in 2011 and some anxiety but I overcame it within few months back then.
after that panic attack in December, I got 2 more (also mild) panic attacks in the same month.
in new year's day, Jan 1, 2015 i traveled for college, I was nervous a bit because of the social anxiety but wasn't on the edge or anything, in the airport i had feeling of nervousness and was short of breath, in the plane I had a VERY severe panic attack and thought that if I had un-diagnosed asthma I might die on the plane, after making a fuss, flight attendance help I calmed down, while in college (was there only for 3 weeks- mini course), i had 2 panic attacks, and devolved weird anxiety thinking that I never had before, the thinking was:
-what if I jump out of the hotel room's balcony without me wanting to? what if I sleep-walk and jump without realizing it? (I was staying at a hotel) so I made sure to lock the balcony's door so I wouldn't jump in my sleep!
in bed, trying to sleep, I began thinking weird thoughts, such as: "what If I stop breathing? what if I tell my subconscious brain to stop breathing and my nervous system act on it and I stop breathing? Crazy I know!
I kind of brushed the off and after that I stopped having them, I couldn't wait to come back home, came back, had plenty of panic attacks just a day after coming back (all while driving), my friend reassured me that I'm fine, (it was mainly on my breathing).
after that I just stopped driving, and after that I just let my friends drive whenever I go out, I started having panic attack even when they were driving, it was very hard!
I stopped going out all together! stayed home and would only jog outside my neighbor hood, couldn't believe it, I had a panic attack while I was walking just few steps away from home! that's when I became agoraphobic, stayed home for about a month and a half straight.
I gave up, and would only invite friends over so we can watch a movie and chat and have dinner, one day, my fiend insisted we go out for fresh air, even thought I was scared I said yes, I just wanted to confront the fear, in the car (he's driving) just as we have gone few blocks away from home, I had a panic attack! but this was different, it wasn't because of breathing, it was because of a weird thought that suddenly popped that I may go crazy-lose contact with reality! I don't know why the thought popped up! first thing I did
was grab my friend's hand! as to assure myself that he was real! it was the scariest thing! (btw I don't drink, do drugs or take any meds) I was really scared that night, I called my father to come home so I can ask for help because I felt desperate.
I told him everything and he began to lecture me about how my "social isolation" is maybe causing this and that I need to act more "manly" so I can feel normal in social situation and avoid stares, perceived as "normal" etc..(I'm gay btw and he knows it, plus I have somewhat of a feminine look) so I guess that's why he told me to not shave and such, plus he told me to join the family during dinners, gatherings and stuff as I mainly stay in my room because of social anxiety. he also told me to start working in his office so that I can keep a bust lifestyle, I wasn't doing anything before going to the mini-course college in December, I was mainly in my room on my laptop watching movies, trailers, movie news, youtube videos, fun reading pages plus social media sites.
in 2010, 2011 and 2012 I tried going to college but got out due to my social anxiety..
anyway I followed his advice and said to myself that I would do anything to get out of this hell-pit, I kept my facial hair, started working in his office, got out of the house more, and remained positive. it still didn't go away.
after I rebuild-ed my self I was Ok for a while, though I still obsessed about clinical depression and suicide and I kept reading about it non-stop.
fast forward to now, I'm feeling detached, confused, and depressed a bit, just yesterday, I don't why i typed in google schizophrenia
, and I today I begun asking my self very weird scary questions:
-am I real?
-is life real?
-is this a dream?
the more I read the more I'm terrified! please help. is the panic-anxiety I had few months ago now developing into schizophrenia or another mental illness? I am absolutely terrified.
just last year I had nothing but some social anxiety and Hypochondria now I am feeling that I'm just going completely insane. :(
thank you, ***** ***** the long post.