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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10547
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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I am requesting Kate Mcoy please I am writing in

Customer Question

Hello,
I am requesting Kate Mcoy please
I am writing in due to some ongoing issues with my spouse. THe short version is I think he is an alcoholic. I have known for a while about his drinking. We have been married for almost 2 years, and together for 6. I maybe have 2 drinks twice a month, but maybe not even that much. He is very social in the community and a golfer, and drinks with them. Some of them are alcoholics too. ( I believe) . About a year ago he was up at a friends house and was drinking. He called me from there and I could tell he was smashed. He told me he would either stay the night there, or walk home, but he drove home, and drove through our garage.taking out the water heater, and causing 9,000$ of damage. After that he had a semi come to jesus.. saying he's not going to drink again, was sorry etc.. went for " some counseling" which kind of consisted of about 4-5 sessions with a therapist. THings were good for a while, until he started slowly drinking again.. one beer turned into 3 which turned into 10.. 2 weeks ago, the same thing occurred, he was drinking and driving and drove home, after he got out of his car he was plastered, stumbling, rambling on . I was livid. especially due to after the first time him telling me that it would " never happen again". OF note, he is 40 yrs old and I am 50 yrs old .
I took the dog and left. That night he told me through his slurry voice. "hey I"m having some people over for a party". I was like.. uh. no you are not, you have had plenty to drink. he argued, people started coming over, and I took the dog and left. I was gone all night. I went to the partk, and then I went and parked and slept in my car. at 50 yrs old I SLEPT IN my car. IT's rediculous. He told me he had another " come to jesus moment" . I told him that I cant live like this, cant go through this every 6 months. I love him, but I need the last 20 years of my life to be peaceful and worry free. I already have 2 grown kids that are wonderful, that I worry about. I dont need the added stress. He knows all this, and swears he will " work on it".
This last week, he went golfing, He told me that he had bought some lemonade so he didnt have to drink. THen I saw his phone messages to one of his friends that was with him during this time, and he texted his friend that he was " totally drunk". I read it and cried myself to sleep last night.
Aaron is a wonderful guy. but I feel lied to, afraid to get close to him, afraid to love him. I'm afraid of getting hurt. Sometimes when I talk to him about things, i think he gets it, other times, i think he tells me what I want to hear at that moment.
I need advice. My first husband was an alcoholic, so I get how this kind of stuff works.
I also think I can see the future. it's going to get better for a while again, and then it's going to ramp up again, and then aaron ( my spouse ) is going to feel bad for failing.. AGAIN!
How much do I take, ? how do i handle this now? He says he is " dealing with it' and "even went to an A/A meeting last week. he said he didnt talk, but just listened.
I know that he cant drink AT ALL. because he cant just have " a few" a few is either 1, or 12, I never know.
Last time he drank he was screaming at me in our driveway to F off, to go F myself. He barely remembers this.. but he has NEVER spoken to me that way ever. I was angry, hurt, and upset, and still have not even recovered from that incident let alone his now golfing incident where, he admitted he drank, but was not " drunk"
Please advise.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Is anyone there ?
Expert:  Camille-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hello,I'm Camille, and I’m a moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Expert a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online.
If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Best,
Camille
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I was hoping for a quick response
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.
Hello, I was notified that you were hoping for a "quick" response, but your requested expert is not online. Would you like to wait for Kate to come online, as she typically she will be online later tonight or tomorrow, or would you like me to assist you now with your Mental Health Question?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
You can assist... he feels also like I'm lecturing him and feels like I'm making him feel like crap
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I actually just saw Kate come online, so I am going to pass this question off to her.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I am sorry, I was mistaken. I thought she was online, but I actually got a response back from her email saying she is out this week, so I will continue with your question. It will take me around 15-30 minutes to formulate my answer for you.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.
I am very sorry that your husband is having these issues with an addiction to alcohol and that it is strongly affecting your marriage. While I would like to believe that your husband does want to change and has those “oh Jesus” moments where he does have a genuine want to quit his addiction to alcohol, but unfortunately his will power is not strong enough to overcome this addiction on his own. He is going to need systematic Dual Diagnosis Therapy (The Dual Diagnosis therapy involves treating the addiction and the underlying causes of the addiction as well) and he must undergo this type of therapy for months for it to be effective. AA groups are not going to be enough as those are not meant as therapy groups, but they are just supportive interventions. For this situation, I would recommend that he undergo individual therapy for his addiction issues and couples therapy with you so that he can work on the marriage with you and you can help be a part of his treatment process more and make sure he is being accountable with his treatment too. I am not saying this will be easy for him or for you, but if both of you work together to heal this marriage and for him to work extensively on controlling his addictive behavior than it is possible for both of you to get through this. With the combined effort and therapeutic support, this marriage does not have to go down the same path as your previous marriage.
Now if your husband chooses not fully commit to this treatment plan, than unfortunately his addictive behavior may get worse over time and it will start to cause serious psychological harm to you (e.g. stress, depression, etc…). If this occurs, I would recommend at least seeking a separation so that you can have time to decide what you want to do in the future regarding your marriage, and to show that you are serious about him getting the treatment that he so needs. If he still will not put forth the effort into his treatment than unfortunately you may have to end this marriage for your own psychological well being. I know that is hard for you, but it would be your husband’s fault for ending of the marriage because he chose not to put forth the effort into treatment. So it is not a matter of how much you can take, it is just a matter of how hard you believe your husband is working to overcome his addictive issues.
I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. I truly hope that your husband considers seeking treatment for his addiction and that he can work with you to repair this marriage.
My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. If I answered your question satisfactorily I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

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