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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5517
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dear Doctor, I am deep trouble .My husband came here to

Resolved Question:

Dear Doctor,

I am deep trouble .My husband came here to houston before 3months for work and he has fallen in relationship with a girl here. he never calls mewhen he is at work so i was asking him toconcentrate on family too. thecommunication reduced in the last month andi asked him very seriously why he isnot calling me and on the day i thought to travel to houston , he called me andsaid, dont come and i am in relationship witha girlhere . i got colapsed and laster in the night he calledme andsaid , i will comeback leaving everything ,but i couldnt take it ,i camehere and after coming here i came to knoweverything about the girl. he then askedme to give time andsome space to come backnormal . but he is incontact with the girl and asking meto go back
do you think he will leave the girl and come back to our family life .further, even yday i saw the messages from the girl in his mobile . he says he is happy with that girl and forgets all his worries. and when i asked him , he says i need time . but he saya all this friends that he is not inlove with me anymore and asked for seperation andi amready to give him up. Please help me.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 11 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

Please give me a couple minutes to carefully read over your question

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry to hear about your issues with your husband currently, I can understand how this would distress you

Dr. Z :

May I ask before he came to Houston, did you notice any difficulties in your marriage?

Customer:

no

Customer:

hi doctor

Customer:

we were very happy till august

Customer:

he came herefor work . but he was very busy with his work . so he doesnt callmeregularly

Customer:

so i was nagging him to take care of me

Customer:

he also had pressure from his parents to take care of them. he cameherein the last week of august . and he spoke very well. in sepetmebr heasked time to think. i said him , ur impropercommunication is making me insecured

Customer:

but he responded , that all will be fine . dont feel insecure

Customer:

from october last week , i didnt get ay calls fromhim and he clearly avoided all my calls

Customer:

so i decided to visit him here and then he called meand said not to come here and said, he is in confusion and stressed . and accepted he has fallen inrelationship with the girl andhe feels guilty andno strength to see me .

Customer:

i got shocked and i fel sick.then he came t know i am sick and called meand said . that he will leave everything and come .and asked me to take care . he evensaid he will visit me . but i was not able to stay there after hearing it

Customer:

so i camehere

Customer:

i came to know everything on the day i came andhe was also angry that i came. next two days ,it was almost ok ,

Customer:

two days back , he said ,i need time to change back into old person .

Customer:

yesterday he asked meagain to go back and he said he needs time at the sametime i still see he is in contact with the girl.

Customer:

i am not sure to go back andgive him time or stay with him.

Customer:

i am not sure if he really needs time or he is just sending meback so he canbe happy with the girl or may be heis feeling guilty me being here and at the sametime the girl is also here

Dr. Z :

I think he is trying to send you back because he does feel guilty about you being there and that it would be easier for him to continue this relationship with the other woman without you there. I think you husband is being very selfish instead of trying to work on the marriage

Customer:

his last request yesterday was me to give him some time alone and me to go to india . and i asked him , i dont care what happens here . can you promise if you can come to india . he said he is not sure .he just needs time . i also asked him. i will give you enough time here . i will go stay with my friends but you have topromise that you will return back with me.

Customer:

pls give me a conclusion - should i stay here orshould i go to india or i will stay inmy friends place and wait for his decision .

Dr. Z :

Well the decision is up to you, I think if you stay there you have a better shot at working on repairing/restoring your marriage because then both of you can look at marriage therapy, but if you go back to India it would be hard for you both to work on the relationship because of the distance and he can continue his relationship with this other woman without you there

Dr. Z :

I think staying is a harder choice, but the best chance you have at repairing your marriage

Customer:

thanks doctor.i accept , but he is saying that he isnot able to concetrate at work cause of mebeing in the same houseand he says he is feeling agitated

Customer:

he never forgot to ask me if i had food in the last 4 days , he was with me andwheni got sick he took care of me , but he keeps saying hedoesnt love menow

Dr. Z :

Yes and that is the issue, I think if you both went to marriage counseling then you have a better chance at repairing your marriage. He says he cannot concentrate at work and that is most likely because of the guilt he is feeling. He does care for you, but I do think he is confused and hopefully therapy can help him and you with that, but he has to be willing and motivated to go to therapy

Customer:

i asked him , he has been seeing a theraphist too , but he is not willing to go with me . he is only asking meto go back and he needs time . i amscared that i might loose him cause hebecomesangry wheni dont listen tohim

Customer:

and doctor , he said me,i forget all my tensions when i am with that girl .he is running of from facing the problems.

Customer:

but he kept on asking me time. but he isnot ready to listen to me and he behaved as a pshycho by closing his ears when i explained him y i am here .

Dr. Z :

Yes I agree that he is running. If you do go back to India, I think there is a strong chance that he will not come back and will divorce you. If you stay there, and he is unwilling to work on the marriage, then most likely this will lead to a divorce as well. I think he wants you to go back to India to avoid a confrontation on this issue

Customer:

i explained him clearly , he is not the person i know for last 15 yrs .he has taken a wrong decision in confusion torun away from family issues .

Customer:

he closed his ears and started walking around the table .asking give me time , pls givemetime . so i really got woried that he is nt mentally stable.

Dr. Z :

No he is mentally stable, he is just very stressed currently

Customer:

and whatever i say him is not go into his mind . and he is only getting angry cause he is not able to rela at work andhe feels pressured from the other girl.

Customer:

Please tell me what all i can do to get himreleased from this stree

Customer:

i will stay and i amready to take any pain

Dr. Z :

Well his stress is wondering what to do with his marriage, so this is actually all on him. He may need time to figure things out, but I feel if you go to India it will just make it easier for him to divorce you for this other woman.

Dr. Z :

The only way you too can fix the marriage is if he is willing to try therapy with you or if he is motivated to repair the marriage, but he is not willing to do that it seems

Customer:

ok doctor . but do you think me staying here will also make him take the same decision as i am not agreeing to what he said.

Dr. Z :

It is possible, but I think if you both are in the same area then you have a greater chance of seeking marriage counseling to help your marriage. If you both are a part then the likelihood is less. Still I feel his lack of motivation to work on the marriage is not a good sign and if that does not change then the marriage will not last.

Dr. Z :

So both scenarios are not looking good right now, but you staying give the highest chance at success for the marriage

Customer:

thank you so much doctor .

Customer:

do you have any tips to follow

Customer:

to make him understand

Dr. Z :

Just try to be patient and give him some space, but show that you still love him and that you want to work on fixing the marriage

Customer:

he is not able to talk tome directly . he sent a mail, saying , i unerstand that you still love me, but i dont love you now .

Customer:

can i send the last letter he sent me.

Customer:

i cannot decide on the letter

Dr. Z :

Sure you can show me the letter

Customer:

Hello



I want to tell u how i feel right now . I understand that u still love me a lot , supporting my work and agreed to get along with my family, I appreciate you for that. But right now I have lot of work going on in this last 1 and half month and I have to concentrate over here in work, if I cant do that there is no point of working here and I am only spoiling my reputation, already I have fallen from the high standards I set for my work.



I am living like a live in hell to be honest with u . I am not able to concentrate on my work at all . and I am feeling very miserable right now , if this continues for 2 more days I will surely leave everything is go somewhere else far from everyone else.



I will only tell u this once and last time, I will try to forget that girl and will go for phycologist and try to get my life back in order, but I cant do all this if your around me in the same house and more and more I see u around I only get agitated for some reason. I will need to finish my job first and by keeping myself busy I will get my mind off a little bit and at the same time I can try to become normal again, for this to happen to have to give me some space . I don’t feel comfortable you staying with me here in Houston. I want you to go back to india, I can change your ticket for today evening if you want. Like I said before I have nothing against you , but if you seriously want me to be happy again with u ,u have to do this. I will try my best to become normal and take some help to talk to my physcologist and try to set things straight.



When u in home I want you to start working again and take care of your health and not worry about anything or feel insecure.



I cant say anything more, let me know your decision, if you still feel that u cant do this , then in my state of mind I don’t know what I will do .



I know people might ask u back home abt ure short trip , u can say something like I am busy and had to go back to UK or something. I really at this point don’t give a dam m about anyone else.



Take care

Dr. Z :

Well considering this letter and if you trust him, then may be you should do what he asks and go back to India, and I hope that he will keep his promise and still contact you and try to repair the marriage as well

Dr. Z :

His stress/anxiety is very high from what I read though

Customer:

i decidedto go to my friends place in US

Dr. Z :

I think that would be a fair compromise since you are not in the same house as him

Customer:

i am with him in the same house

Customer:

i am thinking of visiting my friendsplace in connecticut andgivehim some time alone

Dr. Z :

That is something I can think you can do because it gives him the space he wants

Customer:

i am thinking of keeping the girls thought aside . i shuldnt care if he meets her or not .i am very sure ,he is sexually attracted to her now. and givehim some time alone . he has gone to UK for a business vsit yesterday for few days . i asked him to think and come peacefully from there . i asked him to think and allow me to be in the house and i wont question him on anything or if he still needs time i can leave

Customer:

is my decision ok for him

Dr. Z :

I think he will still feel guilty if you are in the house with him and this is why he wants some space to think more clearly

Customer:

i also noticed the messages he has sent to his friends here , that he is fed up with the life and my wife came to know the girl and i said her that i dont love her anymore and want to get seperated from her but she is not ready to give up

Customer:

so i am confused . he is asking me to give time and he istelling his friends in another way.

Dr. Z :

Yes because he want to let you down easy as he does not like confrontation

Customer:

i dont understand doctor

Dr. Z :

He is telling you something to be nice to you and gently tell you that if you go back to India then he will consider repairing the marriage, but in his mind he has already made a decision and just wants you to go back to India so that he can tell you and this way he will avoid a confrontation

Customer:

i also felt the same way . he mentioned me to start working again .

Dr. Z :

Yeah, so I think he has already made up his mind about the marriage and no matter what you do it will not change it unfortunately

Customer:

doctor ,i felt there is direct conflict between the mail andthe messages and ifelt he is lieing to me and made the decision to leave me

Dr. Z :

I think you are right

Customer:

and i know he is not sexually attracted to me right now .

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry to hear that

Customer:

do you still think i have to stay here and work onit . but he kept mentioning , that he doesnt decide on that girl or me.

Customer:

but i have a bit of confidence that if i take him back with me to india , i atleast have a chance rathe then goingalone

Dr. Z :

I think it would be best if you left, any hope for your marriage has been removed because of your husband's messages and behavior

Dr. Z :

Yes but he has to be willing to go back to India, and he is not willing to do that

Customer:

he said he will come back to india in december initially .

Dr. Z :

Maybe, but I am not confident that he will based on those messages

Customer:

i have seen the diference in the last 4 days . if i am with him and if he avoid the girl he will change completly .

Dr. Z :

That is possible

Customer:

first two days he was not happy , but i was not well in the night .he husgged me and said ,. dont worry , you will be fine

Dr. Z :

But he keeps telling you he wants space

Customer:

andthird day , he mail me in noon asking me did i eat

Customer:

and in the night he got me food

Customer:

4th day - he took me for dinner and said , you havent ate peoperly so i took u for dinner. andthen he said . pls give me time to change into old arun

Customer:

5 day morning- he asked me to makejuice for him and he gave a good hug before he left

Customer:

and i dont know what happened after going to office he sent the abovemail

Dr. Z :

So he wants space and I think you should give it to him and concentrate on you now and not him

Customer:

i dont want to give up so easily doctor . i am ready to give him space but i am scaredif he uses it in the other way

Customer:

i asked him to goto the pshychiatrist together. but he hasnt responded to me

Dr. Z :

I can understand that, I am just giving you your options, the decision is primarily yours.

Customer:

just one question - if i put some effort , staying with him and also giving him some space in the middle so i can visit my friends , i still have a chance to win him back right ?

Customer:

i just cant believe ,we werehappy till august , two months of his stay in US has changed him and i am sure , he cannot spend an entire life here like this

Customer:

cause we are from india

Dr. Z :

Well you might have a chance to win him back, but you cannot put this primarily on you. This is his issue and his problem, and he will have to work through it

Customer:

if we try to get into physical relationship , will his tensions go free and will he be able to think frm straight

Customer:

we nver had any misunderstandings till august . only he got attracted to the lifestyle here and he has changed

Dr. Z :

No I do not think that. I think he has to work on things with his emotions and thoughts and once he does that he will make a decision

Customer:

and i asked him dou have any bad opinions onme ,he said ,no issues with you. i only changed

Dr. Z :

And most likely it is the lifestyle here and he will realize that and go back to you

Dr. Z :

But again this is all him and he will be making the decision

Dr. Z :

You are not to blame for this

Customer:

i completly understood the way he said about the girl. i am just trying my best . he has made the mistake out of temptation and i am tryng my best before giving up.. and h is not thinking of the consequences riht now

Customer:

anyway he has decided something , so i am thinking of sticking with him the entire timehe is in houston , as long as i can

Dr. Z :

Okay, well hopefully he will agree to couples therapy too

Customer:

i hope too

Customer:

i still have confidence only because of the changes i saw in first 4 days .

Customer:

if i am withhim ,he will see me by actions and may be a little spart mght glow

Dr. Z :

Hopefully, well I wish you and your husband all the best, XXXXX XXXXX truly hope you two can repair this marriage

Customer:

thank you doctor for all your inputs . i can only try . its gods wish for us tobegether again and i sincerly hope that girl leaves him , s he can come back to normal

Dr. Z :

I hope so too. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Customer:

sure . thank you

Dr. Z :

You are most welcome :)

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5517
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Mental Health Professional
5517 Satisfied Customers
Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.