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I believe I can help you with your concern
I am so sorry that you are having these difficulties with your wife, I can understand how distressing this is for you.
You mentioned that you have tried counseling from older couples in the past, but what about trying therapy from a therapist/psychologist?
We have tried family therapy with the therapist at the church we were married at.
Unfortunately, I got the impression that generally, no matter what, the man is always to blame.
So you talked a lot about your history and hers, what exactly are the change in her behaviors that you noticed towards you and the marriage?
What I have noticed is a lack of respect for my role in our home. My wife is doing the same things I grew up seeing my mother do to my father, emasculation.
She doesn't trust my judgements
None of my decisions are worth considering.
She doesn't want to be intimate,
she makes excuses not to have sex
She won't pickup after herself or like cleaning so I find myself being so disgusted with our home and vehicles that i
am the one doing it by myself
She doesn't want to cook, I am making an effort to learn how to just so I can sustain myself
She treats her son like her boyfriend and me like a sponsor
She isn't considerate of my time.
She make rash decisions based on her emotions and it scares me.
She wants me to listen to her and taking into consideration everything she wants, feels, thinks, ect, but is unwilling to reciprocate.
Now that she is pregnant, Im am fearful of bringing a child into a bad situation, something I never wanted to do.
My wife will listen to someone else before she listens to me. I really don't ask for much
Has she been diagnosed with a mental illness at all?
but i can tell she's got something going on
even our conversation last night went beyond shouldnt have
I agree, I think she may have a mental health disorder, most likely a personality disorder actually
I try to speak calmly everytime we have discussions, but without fail she's interrupting me, becoming defensive and emotional
I wondered to myself, could she suffer from post traumatic stress? bi polar?
It does not sound like Bipolar Disorder, but it definitely could be PTSD
Most likely stemming from her past issues with relationships
I even wonder if its me? Am I doing something wrong? Could I be sick?
No I do not think it is you, no one deserves to be treated this way at all.
I dont want to get a divorce, I love my wife. Im just becoming increasingly more unhappy with our situation.
Its to the point the job that I can't stand going to, Id rather be there then go home
I hate that I feel that way, but I like peace, i believe your home should
be your sanctuary you know?
Well you have tried therapy which did not help, but I feel that your wife may need psychotropic medications and individual therapy to help with her issues and how she reacts to certain issues
But I cant seem to find it here.
I recently have been going out to clubs just to take my mind off of the stress, but its not good
because in my venerable state, women are attractive, and attracted to me and the last thing I want to do is have an affair
Well you are doing that as an escape for your problems with your wife, which is understandable, but not a solution
Last week, my wife told me at the last possible moment that I had to take care of some business that she wasnt able to
I had already had obligations, but something asked me to ask her
how long did she know about it
she said since yesterday
her excuse was she had forgotten, but she has been using that excuse for sometime now, not respecting my limited amount of time to get things done before i have to go work
I said, well ok honey.
She told me this at 10 am to be somewhere at 2 pm. I work midnights and its taxing on my body. Its hard to force myself to go to sleep, and I struggled. So I asked my wife if she wouldnt mind coming upstairs to help me relax (sex) and she did everything she could
to get out of it. She says she feels like i use her for sex so she told me to go jerk off! Im married now, I dont want to do that stuff you know?
But yet, she'll be out all day with her friends and send me a text saying that she's gonna need some; there are alot of double standards you see
I dont know what else to do, im at my witts end
I feel emasculated as a man in my own home, a terrible example for her son, and hopefully not for our unborn child.
Well her personal issues are definitely a concern and taking a tole on you obviously, but if she will not respond to therapy or change her behavior. I believe that your wife may also have traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which is a personality disorder where the person is very selfish, blames others for issues, and looks for a lot of praise/attention
everyone ive talked to about this has made me feel like shes right and im responsible. Im confused and unhappy.
You know what Dr. Z, she did mention that to me when we were dating, that she needs alot of attention. I didnt pay it much mind until whenever I would try to work on my music or a business idea, she wouldnt leave me alone, or even contribute
She says that I talk to her like a child/treat her like a child. I honestly dont see how i do such things. I give her lots of room to do what she wants Dr. Z
I even point out examples of other couples who have it worse than us to show her Im a good catch and it goes over her head.
Yeah with this disorder of NPD, she needs individual therapy, but even then there is no guarantee that she will get better and treat you with respect.
I really have tried hard to stop my behaviours like distancing myself away, and being silent when i was angry with her
But why should you change, when she is having the psychological issues?
i had a habit of cutting people off if they treated me wrong, but being married, I have to love her for better or worse
Im always looking for ways to improve myself cuz i know im not perfect
but i dont see her making changes and its effecting our relationship
The same things Ive expressed to her from the beginning of our marriage is the same things she continues to do.
Cleaning up after herself, making decisions for us,
Not respecting my thoughts or feelings and demanding it be done for her
She seems to be led by her emotions way more than logic
I think you are making a lot of effort to repair the marriage, but it is not working and she is not making any effort to help this marriage. I know you do not want to divorce her, but because she is not working on herself, there may be no choice or you will be unhappy for a long period of time.
I expressed to her that I feel uncomfortable with her driving at night without having both headlights working properly and being pregnant. I cant count the times that she still does it
I don't want our child to grow up in a bad situation, he/she didn't ask for this... let alone a similar situation to her 7 year old you know?
What should I do?
I think if she does not agree to proper treatment, you may have to think about divorcing her for your sake and the safety/well being of your children as well
Even if I did divorce her, the court will probably send the child to be with her
What alternatives are out there Dr. Z?
I don't want to tear up my family.
I dont have anything else
Well you can ask for a psychological evaluation for her. The alternative would be trying to get her into a therapy called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) because I believe that your wife may have a combination of NPD and another personality disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
I understand that you do not want to tear up your family, but she has to be willing and motivated to seek treatment for these issues and she has not yet
What signaled to you those particular disorders?
The mood swings and her behaviors, they seem consistent with BPD and NPD, which can co-occur together
How can they be corrected?
And did you notice anything wrong with me in my background Dr. Z?
No I did not notice anything wrong with you to trigger these behaviors by her at all. I see you as somewhat passive and not assertive in some instances, but other than that there is not thing wrong with you
I have been told that by many people in the past, being passive
Im trying to be more assertive, I just struggle with doing it.
I understand and it does take time to be assertive
Well, Dr. Z, what would be the steps to take?
Well approach her with the treatment options about DBT therapy and then have a therapist discuss with her about possible use of medications. If she agrees then hopefully your marriage has a chance to succeed, but if she does not then most likely you will continue to be unhappy. DBT is a specialized form of therapy to help with her symptoms and is very effective
Alright Dr. Z, I will do my best. I truly appreciate your help. Thank you
Anytime I wish you and your wife all the best and I hope that she responds well to the treatment. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much
Thank you I appreciate it a lot