How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5765
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
74815544
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Dr. Z is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I am a happily married man and have never cheated on my wife.

Resolved Question:

I am a happily married man and have never cheated on my wife. My sex life with my wife was great until kids came along. The frequency and intensity slowed down quite a bit and I found myself fantasizing about other women in different sexual scenarios. This continued for many years and morphed into fantasies involving men. I am now at the point that I do not get aroused without thinking about men. I'm worried that this is impacting my marriage and am not sure what to do about it.

I love my wife very much and still find her very attractive. I get aroused when we touch each other but end up thinking of men in order to ejaculate. I don't find men particularly attractive but do have a strong desire to play out some of my fantasies with men. However, my devotion to my wife is so strong that I will never act on these desires.

In the past, I have vacillated between believing that I am straight, bi-curious, bi-sexual and gay. To be honest, I don't know what I am. I feel like I am being very selfish but can not get the fantasy out of my head.

During lovemaking, I have "confessed" these feelings to my wife. I'm not sure if she believes they are pillow talk or real. We don't talk about it outside of the bedroom.

Your thoughts would be greatly welcomed.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are having these thoughts and fantasies that are distressing you

Dr. Z :

May I ask, have you ever had thoughts of other men before your sex life with your wife diminished?

Dr. Z :

You also stated that you do not find men particularly attractive, so may I ask what specific fantasies do you have about men?

Customer:

I never fantasized about men until a few years ago. My fantasies focus not so much on the man but the sexual act with him.

Customer:

My fantasies are pretty broad. When I was in high school, I used to imagine myself as a woman. This was not a common fantasy but one that was very powerful for me. I never thought of being with men though. Not until a few years ago.

Dr. Z :

When you thought about being a woman while in highschool, was this in a more submissive sexual way?

Customer:

I remember that my thoughts were more focused on being a woman and dressing as one and not so much on having sex with someone else. Since then though, the submissive aspect of being female has been the driving theme when I have sex.

Dr. Z :

Okay, well I do not think you are gay, bisexual, or even bicurious. Many heterosexuals have same-sex fantasies, this is not uncommon. And because it has occurred after your sex life with your wife has diminished most likely points to being frustrated (sexually) and subconsciously wanting her to take more initiative and asking you for sex, showing that she wants to have sex with you; this is why you have the fantasies of being submissive and someone initiating/controlling. Here is also a brief article showing that same-sex fantasies with straight men are not uncommon and do not mean you are gay or bisexual.

Customer:

Thanks. My concern is not so much focused on whether I am bi-sexual, gay or straight but more so on how to deal with this situation. I am scared to death to talk to my wife openly about this for fear that it will ruin our marriage. I have kept this inside me for this long because I can't fathom the idea of risking my family (we have children as well) over something as trivial as a fantasy. I guess I'm just frustrated. I have the best life a guy could hope for and feel like this is screwing it up (and I don't know how to stop it).

Dr. Z :

Well I understand your concern about telling your wife and I would not advise that, instead I would seek out a therapist to talk to that specializes in sex therapy as they are more trained regarding these issues. It will be a gradual approach as therapy is not a quick fix, but with therapy you will be able to understand the cause of this and possibly understand the underlying meaning too

Customer:

Thanks Doc. I'm not sure if I feel much better but I appreciate having someone to talk to about this. All the best.

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5765
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
Dr. Z and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Mental Health Professional
Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Mental Health Professional
5765 Satisfied Customers
Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.