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Ask Dr. Z Your Own Question

Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 10628
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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Hi there, Im not sure how to really deal with my own issues,

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Hi there,

I’m not sure how to really deal with my own issues, so I’m going to give this a shot.

I’m never in a relationship. I’m not really complaining, except I’m not sure why I can’t connect with a guy. I always find something wrong and just can’t find that reason why I would want to stay or be in a relationship. I’ve met this great guy, a true gentleman in my opinion, yet I can’t find myself wanting to be with him even though he is so great. One minute I like him, another minute I’m like “meh.” It also seems for me, once the chase is over, I lose interest, and when someone speaks to much interest, I back away.
I have a hard time with emotional attachments. I also ask the question whether I’m bi-sexual or not. I have never been with a girl, yet find I connect with them easier than a guy.
I’m a very open-minded individual, who loves to have fun, travel, try new things…I’m an adventurous and free-spirited person. I also love being single to be honest, but I think that also stems from the fact that I’m so used to be single, not having to account for someone else, doing what I want when I want…I’m selfish when it comes to that. Marriage and kids are not something I’m not seeking in life.

When it comes to relationships the first sign of it getting serious I flake. I just don’t know if I’m waiting for Mr.right or if I need to explore my sexuality, or if I’m just not ready for a relationship. I feel I have fallen for one girl in my life, a girl I cannot have though. I also haven’t been with a girl as I’m not sure who I would be with either. Even though I find women attractive and connect with them easier I still am afraid of going the extra step and being with a girl sexually.

Dr. Z :


Dr. Z :

I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

I am so sorry that you are having these difficulties with connecting with men, I can understand how that can distress you

Dr. Z :

May I ask you for how long have you thought that you may be bisexual or interested in women in a sexual way?

Customer: I would say about 4 years now. When I became attracted to the girl I mentioned, who coincidently is also my best friend.
Dr. Z :

And before this attraction started were you still having trouble committing to a guy?

Customer: Yes I would say so
Dr. Z :

So it is possible that you have this anxiety when things get too serious with a guy because you are subconsciously afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt, which is natural, or because you have always harbored subconscious attraction to females, but have not expressed it and that is what causes you anxiety, or it could be a combination of both.

Dr. Z :

Both instances are actually very common regarding your age, and it usually a normal part of life development.

Dr. Z :

I would encourage you to try a period of relationships with a woman to see if this eases your anxiety and if you feel more comfortable in a relationship.

Dr. Z :

You do not have to be sexual with a girl, but try going on a few dates to see if this i a path you are interested in. I think some of your anxiety is occurring because you are wondering about your sexual orientation and not sure if you should focus on men or women, and this causes confusion and anxiety.

Dr. Z :

And also for the afraid of commitment part, which again is natural, I would recommend some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques as this is the most evidence based therapy to treat anxiety. CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen.

Dr. Z :

Right now you focus on the negative thoughts which cause you anxiety and cause you to "back away" as you described it, so it would help to focus on an objective thought process to lessen that anxiety, so that when you do not want to be with a guy it will not be due to possible anxiety, but to your personal feelings.

Dr. Z :

So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.

Dr. Z :

In addition, these two worksheets are very good at helping lessen anxiety symptoms. It can help you focus on the big picture and the objective/positive thoughts and outcomes.

Dr. Z :

So I just wrote a lot, do you have any questions or concerns so far?

Customer: Thank you very much for the response, and the helpful links. I will take your advice and also look into the links provided later tonight.
Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am always happy to help. Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Customer: I think this should be good for now, I'm quite interested to work on my anxiety issues as you pointed out. I'm hoping with everything you provided me, I can dive deeper into my issue. Thanks once again.
Dr. Z :

You are most welcome, I wish you the best regarding your anxiety and commitment issues. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

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