Hello I believe I can help you with your concerns today
I am so sorry that you are going through these issues with your wife, I can understand how this can be distressing for you, but that is great that you want to seek help and gain understanding for your mental health.
May I ask before you went to Iraq, where you passive as well or is something that occurred after you came back from your tour of duty?
Yes there are a few things you can do, I can show you a couple good therapy techniques that may be able to help you as well as some books too.
I do have to say that if you were not conscious when you molested/raped your wife and you did this in your sleep, then this is called sleep sex with is a sleep disorder
Well I think you do repress your emotions well, but do not necessarily process them well. The best and most evidence based type of therapy for these symptoms would Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT has a premise that your symptoms are caused by negative thoughts, so if we change your thought process to be more positive and objective as well, then your symptoms will lessen.
So this link may help you, it contains a technique I use with patients called a thought record. It will help you keep track of any negative thoughts you have. You put the negative thought on paper, the emotion accompanying, the evidence to support it, and the evidence against it. Then I want you to come up with an alternative thought for the situation (more objective and plausible). This will help you change your way of thinking to be able to think more positive and not automatically go to a negative type of thinking.
Also individuals with similar symptoms may have a poor coping mechanism, so this worksheet will help you develop a better coping strategy to manage your symptoms better instead of being passive.
In addition, everyone gets angry and frustrated at times, and we all should express that instead of repressing it. So this will help you express your anger/frustration in an appropriate way to help you be more assertive
Also these books may help as well
Well giving her time would be a good approach, have you both talked about couples therapy at all?
And she may not be ready, you do not want to push her too much or that will just make her defensive towards you. Allow her space, but let her know that you are working on you with therapy and trying to get emotionally/psychologically stronger
You are most welcome, is there anything else I can assist you with?