I believe I can help you with your concern
Please give me a couple minutes to read through your question carefully, so that I can better assist you
I am so sorry to hear about how your husband treats you, I can understand why this would distress you.
This is definitely emotional abuse, and actually it appears that you husband may also have traits of a personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as well, which is very severe and can explain how he is controlling, puts you down emotionally, does not take responsibility for his own actions, and his insensitivity to you
I've talked to friends about it and I feel guilty about talking about him behind his back but if I tried to talk to him it feels like my words are bouncing off a wall.
I understand that you feel guilty, but your husband should not be treating you this way and you do deserve to be treated with respect and care. This has been emotionally exhausting for you and that is not fair to you
I don't know if he is narcissistic. I wouldn't describe him that way. He can be very caring if he wants to be and not when he wants something from me.
That is why I think he has only traits of the disorder and not the entire disorder
Individuals with OCD are not typically this emotionally abusive or insensitive/uncaring, so that is why I believe there are some personality disorder elements there.
Is it possible to have a blend of personality disorders? I never thought of NPD but I felt he had OCPD.
OCPD and OCD are very closely related so I definitely see elements of those there based on what you stated earlier.
In your opinion, is there some way I can help our relationship? I feel that the quality of our relationship is very poor with almost no communication. I don't want our kids to grow up in a dysfunctional relationship and continue the vicious cycle.
We live in Southern Europe where I believe they don't really take relationship problems as seriously as they would in North America.
I think the best way to repair your relationship is to seek couple's therapy. A therapist can help your husband understand how his communication style and emotional abuse is hurting you and the family as a whole and hopefully this will lead to a better and mutually respective communication style between you two that will help your relationship.
That is possible that they may not take relationship problems as seriously, but you two are a team and that means both of you must work towards repairing the relationship. One person cannot do all the work and expect results. He must also be motivated and dedicated to fix the relationship as much as you do
My husband is very very VERY stubborn. He'll say that I'm the one with the problems and hormonal. He blamed it on my periods the last time I was angry at him for criticising me for accidentally spilling the wine.
I will have to really threaten divorce for him to take me seriously of seeing a couple therapist.
Well you can start going to therapy by yourself as you can reap the benefits from individual sessions and many times spouses will join in later as they see a change in your behavior, but also want to know what you are talking about as well, this happens more often when you have a controlling spouse, which is why I think you husband would ask to join in on a session at one point
Yes. I can see that happening with him. He is controlling.
Thank you very much Dr. Z. It is a relief to finally talk to a professional and not having to burden my friends with my problems even though they've been very good to me.
Anytime, I am always happy to help. Is there anything else I can do for you?
My husband is a good person. I just wished he had a normal childhood where his parents treated each other equally. I feel a lot of his behaviour originated from there. His brother also behaved the same way with his ex wife where he would always rubbished her opinion. I am a passive person coming from a culture where the wife would do as the husband says so it doesn't help. But in my case, even if we have huge arguments over his behaviour or my behaviour, it would not help. I don't want the kids to see us arguing like small children.
I understand this difficulty and it is not fair to you to suffer from this control and emotional abuse. Hopefully through therapy your husband will be able to understand the error in his ways and how his brother's marriage failed because of how his brother treated his wife and that if he truly cared for you, he would work on his behavior to show that he loves and cares for you. This will take time and I truly do hope that he can change his ways
You deserve better than this and you deserve a husband that will not exhibit this level of control and emotional abuse to you.
Thank you. This conversation has been very good to me. I really felt today that I should pack my bags and leave with the kids.
I understand that feeling you have and I do not disagree with it, but I can sense that you do care for your husband a lot and that is why I think therapy can help both of you, but if he is not committed to changing his behavior and putting more effort to listening and respecting your feelings, than you may one day have to leave him for him to truly understand that he has been wrong with the way he has been treating you.
Thank you for listening.