I'm married to my husband for 7 years, known him for 8 years. I feel we've been falling apart lately. I started shutting him out of my emotional life since 2-3 years ago. He is 20 years older than me. In the beginning of our relationship, I noticed he was a neat freak and it sometimes felt abnormal to stay with him in his apartment. One experience was when he found ants in his apartment, he spent 4-5 hours cleaning out his apartment, also dumping the spices I brought over to his place to cook dinner, leaving only beer and lettuce in the fridge, and cancelling our date night.
With our first child, he was the most amazing father, very caring husband. Only we fought over the dishwasher as he wouldn't let me load it as I didn't do it right. Well, things progressively got worse over the years. He criticises me over the tiniest things. The reason why I'm writing this now is that he just criticised me for not paying the mechanic when he came over to the house to charge the car battery. I had to explain to him more than thrice that I had planned to go out this evening and planned to pay him when I was out with the kids.
I am a medical doctor who sacrificed her career for our family. He's been very good enough that he looked after our kids, 2 years when I was finishing medical school and 7 months for a short period of work. I've helped him look after his mom, who sadly passed away this year. And she had been more than a handful for us. She would have taken up a lot of his time for me and the kids. But I feel that every person should look after their parents and I only see it that he would do the same for me when it will be me looking after mine.
I only felt let down when he looked after his mom at the time our premature son was born and he was almost never there at the ICU with me to see our son. I felt like a single mom.
He would (most of the time) make decisions without me but pretend we decided together. If something is bothering him, I would know because he'll be in a foul mood. Recently he's coming home at later times around 8-9pm and he'll make comments like I don't think enough about him to have dinner ready. I'm struggling with 4 kids by myself and I've already told him if he comes home at totally unpredictable times I can't have his dinner warm on a plate just as he is coming in through the door.
He hardly ever helps me with the baby. And it's been a progressive decline in help with each subsequent child. He tells me that it must be very tiring for me to scratch my ass all day. He says he's joking but it feels very insensitive. When I had pains after birth, he would rub his two fingers together and say ' you see this, this is the world's smallest violin playing just for you'.
My main problems are that he doesn't listen to me, I feel he constantly puts me down and criticises me, it used to be at home, now it's starting to be public when we dine out with friends. I know something is wrong when I feel like I'm getting depressed, feeling like I never do anything right, I'm too stupid to make decisions, and I'm not good enough to be a mother. It makes me very sad
but I feel like I have to go back to work just to escape my life at home. I was always a very optimistic person who was very focused and ambitious. Now I feel like a tree getting battered by strong winds.
I know my husband already has OCD type traits but I sometimes wonder if I am an emotionally abused person. I know his mom was very depressed and his father was condescending and incredibly stubborn. If my husband does emotionally abuse me, it might have been because he saw it as a child and nobody ever told him that it is wrong to treat your wife that way. My husband is very stubborn, and he would never listen to me.