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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I was talking to Dr. Elliott so I dont know if he is available

Customer Question

I was talking to Dr. Elliott so I don't know if he is available but I have been having some serious relationship issues with my now ex- but we have been back and forth for 4 years now and I just have a few updates that I would like answers to.
Back in April, I moved in with my then boyfriend and we did have a history of breaking up and getting back together. So I did have some reservations at first. So I simply asked him if I did move in with him that he would never kick me out? I am not able
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
Thank you for requesting my help. It looks like your question got cut off. If you would like to continue, I will look for your response.

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

I just sent you the rest of the story.


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
It never came through. I am sorry. That sometimes happens. Is it possible to send it again?

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Yes, it will take a while to write though.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
I am so sorry about that. I appreciate you writing it again.

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

He told me that he would never kick me out so then I decided that I would move in. He said that if for any reason things did not work out that I could stay at the apartment and he would leave and put me on the lease. So we had been doing ok and I was looking for a job cause I did not have one for a while. So he would tell me that if I did not get a job soon that he would kick me out, or if I did not go and do certain things that he would kick me out, or if I did not want to sleep with him one night he would say that he was not sure that he wanted to be with someone that did not want to have sex. So the current situation is that he has kicked me out for good this time because he thinks that I am cheating on him with my ex husband, claiming that he has been calling the apartment which I find hard to believe since I have never given it to him and if I had talked to my ex husband that it was not from our house number. So then he calls my ex husband and asks him what is going on and he told him that we sometimes talked to eachother to make sure that each other is ok. That is what my ex husband has told him and that he was also remarried. So he did not believe that. So come to find out that my girlfriend ended up giving my ex husband my house number because she was worried about me cause she had not heard from me in a while which made him concerned so she gave him my number. So I asked my friend to text him what she had done so that he could see that I was telling the truth, but he deleted it. So I had her send me a copy of the text that she sent him, and I tried showing it to him but he refuses to see it and won't let me explain anything to him about this situation. We have gone back and forth with other things as well and pretty much whenever he does not get his way or I tell him no he gets an attitude problem and either wants to break up with me or kick me out. Also he either suffers from bipolar disorder or schizorphrenia where he has talked to himself, laughed and also mumbling under his breath, he has not been doing that now, but he did a few years ago, and he was hospitalized a few time for it, and I stuck by him during all that. I also suffer from panic attacks and obviously have been going through some issues, but nothing that bad. I take 200mg's of Zoloft for panic attacks.


 


Please give me some advice. Eventhough he wants me to leave the apartment should I stay here eventhough I am not on the lease but I do pay for electric and cable and my mail does come here. Am I legally able to stay here.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
Thank you for sending your response again. I appreciate it.

I am not sure if you are legally able to stay in the apartment you are in as I am not a legal expert, but I can tell you that the relationship you are in with your boyfriend is not a healthy one.

You clearly asked him not to kick you out of the apartment and he agreed with your terms. He also said he would not only not kick you out, but would leave himself if there was a problem. But what he did instead was use your fears against you to control you. Forcing you to have sex with him and telling you that you had to do certain things or he would kick you out is abuse. He is attempting to control you by holding your basic safety and needs over your head.

Although your boyfriend may suffer from mental illness, it still does not excuse his behavior towards you. No one should treat you in a way that cause you distress or anxiety.

Add to that the fact that your boyfriend doesn't seem to have any trust of you. From what you said of your relationship, there is no reason why your boyfriend should not trust you. And you have gone to great lengths to prove to him that you did nothing wrong. However, he refuses to listen and seems to create scenarios where you are guilty of cheating even though that is far from the truth. That only can mean that he wants to hurt you and won't consider that he is wrong, another sign that your relationship with him is abusive.

You have a couple of options. You can suggest he go to therapy with you. He may need to hear from a neutral person like a therapist that he is being abusive. However, if he will not go, go on your own. You need the support and the chance to figure out how you want to deal with your relationship.

You can also end the relationship. It is not easy to do so. But at this point, it does not seem he is willing to work on things with you and continues to treat you poorly no matter what you try. By continuing to see him, you expose yourself to being hurt again and again. You deserve better.

Also, consider learning more about abusive relationships and how they affect you. Here are some resources to help:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/09/28/5-ways-to-escape-an-abusive-relationship/

Should I Stay or Should I Go- Lundy Bancroft

I hope this has helped you,
Kate















May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Well he has kicked me out and has told me to leave by Sunday. And he has also broken up with me yet again. Mind you he has done this to me several times. So we are already broken up. I don't understand why he would not want to see a text from my friend that pretty much explains the situation with my ex husband is beyond me.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
It doesn't make any sense why someone would act that way, I know. But that is because you are seeing the relationship and him in normal terms. He is not. For some reason, he relates by abusing. Sometimes people don't know how to relate other than to hurt the other person. It could be because of his childhood (some kind of trauma or abuse) or he simply thinks of himself and his own needs first.

Try to contact an attorney (you can do that here on Just Answer as well if that is easier for you) and see what your rights are regarding staying in the apartment and having him leave. But if that doesn't work out, leaving him is an option. The relationship is unhealthy and as long as he does not want to work on it or can't see he is hurting you, it will stay as it is now. Once you leave, take good care of yourself and get a lot of support. You will need time to heal.

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Well I don't make enough money to stay in the apartment by myself so that is not an option that is one of the reasons that I moved in with him cause I could not afford to live in the apartment that I was in. I will be living with my mother and step father for now. One other thing is that he ended up calling my mother the night of the situation with the ex husband and my mother tried to re assure him that he had nothing to worry about and that I had no feelings when it came to my ex husband. And that I cared about him and loved him very much. And that he was remarried.


 


I really don't have the money to go to a therapist but my friends and family have been very supportive and they seem to think that he is not stable.


 


I work part time in the same mall that he works in as well, which I don't like at all, but I need to work for sure.


 


Do you think that maybe in time if I give him space and leave him alone that maybe he will realize that he should have let explain to him the circumstances with the ex husband, although I know that I should not hold my breath cause it probably would not happen anyway.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
You can try therapy through your local community mental health center. Try calling your local United Way. They should have all the available resources in your area for low cost or no cost therapy.

You can try giving him some space. But unless he wants to change, he will continue to treat you as he is now. He needs to see that he is abusive and that he has to change in order for your relationship to improve. Leaving him and staying away for a while might motivate him to look at why you left. It is worth a try.

Kate











If you feel your original question and related follow ups have been answered, I'd appreciate a positive rating on the answer I have provided so far. Thanks so much!
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Well I don't think that he will look at himself and see what he is doing is wrong because he has not since we have been together for 4 years. He puts all the blame on me.


 


Also I always feel like I have to walk on egg shells with him, wondering if I do or don't do something that he wants me to do how is he going to react is he going to break up with me or kick me out because I don't do something that he wants or expects me to do.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
That definitely sounds like an abusive relationship.

Kate




If you're satisfied with my response, please rate me highly. Thank you!
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

I have also been texting him and I had asked him if I could keep the keys just until I get all my stuff out and my mail forwarded and he had said that he just needs time and that he wants the keys for now and some time alone. And for right now I have to leave and give him time.


 


I had talked to him this morning cause he wanted to know if I was going to be leaving by Sunday and I told him yes, but that if he could stop by so that we could talk and he said no, I have to leave and move on. I said is there any chance that we could get back together and he said no, and that if I don't give him the keys that he would just change the locks, but that if I give him the keys there is a chance that we could get back together again, but not this year, and I said what about New Year's and he said I don't know. But he called my honey a couple of times


 


So I don't know what to make of all of this. What do you think?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
I would be happy to continue to work with you once you rate my answers so far. I am not reimbursed for my work unless you rate my answers as ok or above. Thank you!

Kate
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Would you mind answering my question now that I rated you?


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
No problem. I was off line for a bit so didn't know you had rated.

Thank you for rating my answers.

It sounds like he is basically telling you that the relationship is over. He sounds like he is continuing to be abusive, not willing to talk to you or give you any chance to work on whatever is wrong. Add to that there is nothing you did to cause this and it says that he is abusive. There is no reason for him to treat you as he is right now except that he has issues and cannot be in a healthy relationship.

The fact that he called you honey doesn't mean much in this circumstance. It is his actions that matter.

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

Do you think that maybe it was just an excuse to get rid of me. Do you think that I should have told him that I spoke to my ex husband every so often, I just did not want to tell him, cause I did not want him to react like this. Or am I just giving him excuses.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
No, I think that he is being abusive towards you. He has many options on how to respond to you, but he chooses to hurt you. That is on him and not you.

Kate
Customer: replied 8 months ago.

So how do I move on from him and be ok at my Mom's

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 8 months ago.
Healing from this will take some time. Therapy can help a lot. The support of a therapist, friends and family is vital. And let yourself work through grief.

Here is site to help you:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm

I hope things work out for you. Take care,

Kate

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