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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello there, Im a young man 29 who has been in and out

Resolved Question:

Hello there,

I'm a young man 29 who has been in and out of a relationship with my girl for 4 years now. Last year around Sept it got worse and maybe would have broken up for good then, bu we didn't. She hang onto me so much. i had by then met a another girl, but even when i hanged on to the 1st one, i never let the new one go, and in January i got the new one pregnant and the baby is born now. Unfortunately i work with the new girl and obviously spend whole day together in office. my problem is i dont trust my second girl and cant bet my life with, as compared to the 1st one. but now my 1st girl won't hear of it and now even told her parents that i'm a jerk and she doesnt want to hear of me anymore. the whole of this week i've been trying to talk to her, and she wont take my calls and only replies my mail and text messages o phone at her own time and to the extent she wants. i still feel i want her to be part of me, but she insists i've neglected her and made her my doormat for a long time. i want to win her back.we are leving in different coties around 75km apart, and to make things worse, i'm supposed to go on secondment outside my country for the next 2 years, and i reaaly didnt want to leave things shattered a they are. (it could mean i lost her forever). please help
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad indeed, since it shows how attached you got to your first girlfriend regardless of your constant problems and break ups.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You acknowledge you should have ended the relationship once it was not working but decided to keep it while starting a new one with thiis coworker, who is now your child's mother, right?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The big problem is that you do not feel you truly trust nor love her to commit to her, but your first girlfriend is unwilling to take you back now, since she feel wounded, abused and betrayed by you.

Customer:

she is my child's mother yes, but even the 1st one we have a 2.5yr daughter

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then now you have one child with each of them.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know this happened this way, it is obvious she is not feeilng happy nor willing to trust you again because of your choices and actions, and pushing her would not help for sure.

Customer:

we try to work it. but because i work far from her, if i have to work a lil bit late, she says im with the other girl, or even if i dont go the her friday evenings after work and instead go saturday after my maid who comes fortnight on weekend to clean and wash, she say im lying im with the other girl

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, she feels that believing you now would lead her to further pain and suffering, thus she's trying to protect herself and prevent further wounding

Customer:

so you think even as i go for this 2 yr secondment, it wont heal her?

Customer:

i dont want to go leaving things not in place

Customer:

by the way, im in Botswana and will be going to UK

Customer:

and that could be within next 2 weeks

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Some people in her shoes are able and willing to heal with time is they get to see that the other person has truly changed and deserve their love, respect and trust back, while others do not even feel able to try, and some try and find out that it does not work for them any longer no matte how much they may push themselves into it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see how in two weeks this situation could evolve to the point you need and expect. It would take long term for her to heal, and only time would show if she is able and willing to do so or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As I said, she could even try but nothing guaranties it would work.

Customer:

but then what i want from her is to atleast show that we'll be in touch and chat as often. not to go and never come back.i want to know that i can be able to skype and see them (her and baby girl)

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But since you have a daughter, that will always keep you connected and it significantly increases your chances for future reconciliation in case she happens to allow it if she heals form it

Customer:

yep! i can only count on that too. but i hope this tswana culture won't deter me from seeing her especially for her parent's side

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

i can see you are very clear about what you want here, but she is the only one with the power to choose if she wants and will allow it to happen or not.

Customer:

its so sad. you reckon i should just leave her alone and see where it ends/ goes?

Customer:

what role should i now play? should i just continue with my life and give her space?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As a parent you will always have the right and responsibility to look for your daughter, and it would depend on your choices and actions leading to take care of that, but around your relationship with her, it depends on both of you,and is she refuses to work on it, there would be nothing you could do about it, but wait and hope she changes her mind

Customer:

if you say so

Customer:

but my waiting while that far.... i wish i wasn't going right now. but its a big career opportunity

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you should fully respect her , her boundaries and decision, allowing her to work on her own healing, and time will show you how well she is able to heal and grow from it to the point of giving you another chance. You have your daughter and that will keep you connected, which is a very good thing for you to have a future chance, then everything would depend on how she feels , chooses to do and what you r actions build from now on.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is decision only you can do after assessing the pros and cons you will have to afford depending on your choices, your priorities.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

it makes sense.i think maybe im just too depressed right now too

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, it is tough and could be overwhelming for most people in your shoes

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is why getting all the support you can from your support system and if needed from counseling or psychotherapy is very important

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Since you need to take good care of yourself in order to be able to take good care of your children too, and from there you would be able to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Customer:

thanx man. hope will chat again soon

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I will be here to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

gooday

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please take good care and consistent actions to promote your health and well-being and the ones of those you love and care about.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have a good one too. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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