Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Thank you for joining the chat.
I am sorry to know about this very overwhelming reality you have been facing in your marriage.
Thank you. He just confessed 3 weeks ago but has been distant for years.
The serious issues you have described are very serious since they show that these crisis is not triggered by an isolated episode by by chronic issues present in your lives for long time,and that regardless of all the pain it has caused to you, and your desire and hoe to work on it in order to heal and grow together, h feels unable and unwilling to even try because of how things have evolved and deteriorated within him and between you.
Now you know why he was distant for all these years.
the way you found out was shocking, but it show you what was really undermining your marriage for this long, and it is very sad and frustrating to know that he feels hopeless and unwilling to try.
I do, but how can I get him to understand that I've changed, he's acknowledged that, but he has such self hate that he's never had before. He told me he was very good at hiding his emotions all of these years and didn't speak to me about them except in a shouting match where he would tell me not to "treat him like a child." Why disclose his indiscretions if he wasn't willing to work on it. I feel like I'm the one who cheated and is trying to win back my husband. I know he loves me, he just refuses to admit it.
When dishonesty, betrayal, secrecy, denial, avoidance and other very destructive poisons get into a marriage's veins, they literally destroy it's very integrity, health and capacity for grow. You have suffer so much since your depression started, and it is obvious both of you have faced tough circumstances pushing you even more, leading you t the present sad and frustrating situation.
I think he chose to do that once you found out about these women, as a way to push you away instead of truly committing to work on healing your marriage, which would require real full honesty, openness, accountablity and commitment, which he is not willing to offer.
You're right, he doesn't want to commit. I know he'll regret this forever, he's even said so, So I should just leave it alone and go on to our separate ways? This is very difficult for me to hear because I don not believe in divorce. I believe we both need individual therapy and if he's willing marriage counseling. I know the guilt is eating at him, when he was younger he thought he wanted to be a priest, but then he met me and we we're high school sweethearts. I'm at a loss and feel even more betrayed that he won't work at it.
For marriage therapy to work, both of you would have to be truly willing to work on your marriage and already working on personal issues leading to and perpetuating marital problems, and as long as he does not commit to his own healing process, he would not be able to play a good role in your marriage.
Life requires us to constantly work on growing, marring even more, and many times out of pain and need, it is through reality that we need to work on ourselves and learn from mistakes, problems and difficulties, and only time will show if he chooses to allow himself to work on his core issues in order to give your marriage another chance, but that's something that does not depend on you .
You're right. He's a runner and doesn't like "confrontation." I'm afraid for his mental health and physical health as his Achilles tendon is bothering him again. I guess it's time to let go.
Please focus on everything that depends on you, starting by taking good care of yourself, your own mental health, since it is from there that you will be able to take good care of your children who depend on you, and to play a positive role in his life too, as much as he allows it and as long as you respect your own and his boundaries and limits. Since life continues and each of you need to set priorities and commit to them the best possible way.,
Thank you for your trust, for being this open here. Please take gentle care and consistent action, getting the support you need to heal and grow stronger and wiser from this painful situation and feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here to support you as possible.