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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband recently confessed to 3 "one night stands" with

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My husband recently confessed to 3 "one night stands" with married women, (he's in appliance repair and was working in their homes.) According to him there was also a 4th woman who was also married but he says she wanted more than just fun, so he didn't have sex with her and ended it. (I found out about the last woman first.) This happened over 2 1/2 years ago over the course of about 3-5months. We have been together since we're 17 years old, we've been married 11 years but together for 21 years. We have two children ages 7 and 5. At the time I was still battling post partum depression but refused medication. I had lost my job 3 weeks before my son was born and we had just recently bought a house 11 months before. We were ok for about 2 years while I was still battling my depression. We had decided that I would just stay home with the kids, which is something I never wanted to do, but since the economy just tanked and I couldn't find anything else it made sense. I do admit that I was not listening to him. I was critical, judgmental, and ridiculed him in public, I was horrible. Before his indiscretions he was wonderful. We had mutual interests, we went on vacation, we had money saved, we we're always together. I knew that for every Birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day and Anniversary there would be a piece of jewelry waiting for me, even the day my kids were born. I had my Prince Charming for 18 years. Unfortunately my world would come crumbling down, our home was burglarized which hit him very hard, especially when the appointment to install ADT was a week later. (They found the thieves, but couldn't recover anything.) Fast forward a few months and we took our kids to Disney and practically fought the whole time, a month later we went to his cousin's wedding and for the first time in 19 years he didn't look at me with love and didn't say I looked beautiful. I knew something was up, but made an excuse that it was the stress of having only one income and our savings is dwindling. Fast forward to last June, my husband tore his Achilles tendon and was out of work for almost 6 months. With him being the only breadwinner and no income besides temporary disability we are now going through foreclosure. While he was injured it seemed that we were connecting again, we had sex almost everyday and when he went back to work, his distance came back again. He blamed me for not going back to work, even though I looked for work, that's why we're in foreclosure. Even if I did go to work who was going to take care of him and 2 small children during the summer when they're off of school. Two days before Christmas last year is when I found out about woman #4, all by accident. His Birthday is XXXXX December and he bought himself an iPad, while I was playing with it, he was on the phone with Apple to get some of his info from his old phone to his new upgraded phone he got through his job. Some of his messages and emails came through literally in my hand because we didn't know that the iMessage was on. Needless to say we've been battling this for a while. He's been telling me he's a monster and I don't deserve him, I only think I do. He says we should break up and we've been on this emotional roller coaster, one day he loves me and not the next. I just want it to stop because I love him very, very much. He even told me he didn't love me anymore and we separated for about 3 weeks over the summer only for him to ask me to come home. I figured we would work it out. We just recently celebrated out 11th Wedding Anniversary and we went to a marriage retreat. It opened the door to suspicion. Two days later I got my confirmation when he told me about his lack of self control. He assumed we would divorce and can't understand why I'm fighting for my marriage. He told me he can't live with the fact I won't be able to trust him and that we're prolonging divorce anyway. He opens his heart and the shuts it down and says he doesn't want to save our marriage. It's within the last 3 years or so that he just completely shut down. What should I do? I love him and want to be with him but he continues to hurt me with his insensitivity of how I'm dealing with this blow. Should I leave him or be there for him because he's also hurting? He says he can't handle the work to rebuild.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this very overwhelming reality you have been facing in your marriage.

Customer:

Thank you. He just confessed 3 weeks ago but has been distant for years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The serious issues you have described are very serious since they show that these crisis is not triggered by an isolated episode by by chronic issues present in your lives for long time,and that regardless of all the pain it has caused to you, and your desire and hoe to work on it in order to heal and grow together, h feels unable and unwilling to even try because of how things have evolved and deteriorated within him and between you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now you know why he was distant for all these years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

the way you found out was shocking, but it show you what was really undermining your marriage for this long, and it is very sad and frustrating to know that he feels hopeless and unwilling to try.

Customer:

I do, but how can I get him to understand that I've changed, he's acknowledged that, but he has such self hate that he's never had before. He told me he was very good at hiding his emotions all of these years and didn't speak to me about them except in a shouting match where he would tell me not to "treat him like a child." Why disclose his indiscretions if he wasn't willing to work on it. I feel like I'm the one who cheated and is trying to win back my husband. I know he loves me, he just refuses to admit it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When dishonesty, betrayal, secrecy, denial, avoidance and other very destructive poisons get into a marriage's veins, they literally destroy it's very integrity, health and capacity for grow. You have suffer so much since your depression started, and it is obvious both of you have faced tough circumstances pushing you even more, leading you t the present sad and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think he chose to do that once you found out about these women, as a way to push you away instead of truly committing to work on healing your marriage, which would require real full honesty, openness, accountablity and commitment, which he is not willing to offer.

Customer:

You're right, he doesn't want to commit. I know he'll regret this forever, he's even said so, So I should just leave it alone and go on to our separate ways? This is very difficult for me to hear because I don not believe in divorce. I believe we both need individual therapy and if he's willing marriage counseling. I know the guilt is eating at him, when he was younger he thought he wanted to be a priest, but then he met me and we we're high school sweethearts. I'm at a loss and feel even more betrayed that he won't work at it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For marriage therapy to work, both of you would have to be truly willing to work on your marriage and already working on personal issues leading to and perpetuating marital problems, and as long as he does not commit to his own healing process, he would not be able to play a good role in your marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Life requires us to constantly work on growing, marring even more, and many times out of pain and need, it is through reality that we need to work on ourselves and learn from mistakes, problems and difficulties, and only time will show if he chooses to allow himself to work on his core issues in order to give your marriage another chance, but that's something that does not depend on you .

Customer:

You're right. He's a runner and doesn't like "confrontation." I'm afraid for his mental health and physical health as his Achilles tendon is bothering him again. I guess it's time to let go.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please focus on everything that depends on you, starting by taking good care of yourself, your own mental health, since it is from there that you will be able to take good care of your children who depend on you, and to play a positive role in his life too, as much as he allows it and as long as you respect your own and his boundaries and limits. Since life continues and each of you need to set priorities and commit to them the best possible way.,

Customer:

Thank you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust, for being this open here. Please take gentle care and consistent action, getting the support you need to heal and grow stronger and wiser from this painful situation and feel free to contact me if you have any further questions or to follow up, since I am here to support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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