I'm facing a difficult situation and have no one else to turn to as its a totally time based decision (and my personal problem is deadlines and making the "right" choice for those in my family who love to do 20/20 hindsight).
Apologies for badly written in haste document I have an appointment today with a serviceperson coming over at any minute and trying to get this out before he takes up my next few hours!
Here is immediate problem. Mother is over 80 (trying to hide details as much as I can as I see everyone can read my writing here)---and suffers from Anxiety
(I think its excessive worry but that is another conversation---and you can see I tend to interrupt my thoughts) She is on Xanax very low dosage .25 I think once per day. She, lately, due to a huge unavoidable deadline in her and my lives, has been very upset to let me leave her at home alone---not yet Agoraphobia
, but I fear things that happen can effect her and make her condition worsen to do that. No, she goes shopping and to doctors (i.e. Audiologist appt next week) all ok. But....
I'm writing to you today on a personal (for me) crisis that I have not told her. And again by not telling her I will suffer the wrath of entire family for years and I have barely a few hours to make the right decision.. hoping you can help her and me both!
A long term 50 plus year neighbor has died. He was in hospital but that is because he falls when he walks and his ex-wife has been in contact with me about watching the house etc... Problem is that due to the drastic deadline (which I spent weeks getting just a few more precious days to do this thing) I have to leave the house tomorrow, all day). I stay on the cell phone every minute! While I"m gone asking her how she is making jokes telling her what i'm doing, I talk to people and say---say hi to my mom! she's listening.. I try to make light of it to make her happier.
But... I was just phoned by the ex wife to say that he passed away last night.
First crisis is that If we do not write a condolance card signed by "both" of us and drop it in his mailbox for her to pick up today this evening when she usually comes by--- that is a very bad response as she told me to specifically relay the information to my mother that he passed peacefully, etc all the details she cannot take right now.....
If I don't tell her today--tomorrow I have to , must be , out of house all day 7 am to 9 pm far away. I don't want to leave her alone after telling her such bad news. A friend died in a state two states away last year and she went to pieces as she was very upset she could not have gone to his funeral at least or service or visit them too far away.
The family is all over the country... no close relatives nearby they moved away for various reasons, so no one to stay with her when I go at last minute.....
If I hold off saying this to her, she will be devastated I think that I was lying to her (a very very major thing with her all my life is that I do this, make a decision on my own and lie to her about it!) SO I'm very concerned about this being another flash point for future years and years of arguments about my just not telling her right now so she can provide a timely condolence card.
Oh why not tell her when I get back? She has recently retired and gone into a very strict pattern (not like when she worked) of sleeping
and waking hours-----saying she never could do this her entire working life! SO she is asleep by 8 and does not want any "excitement" or major discussions after 5 pm! So again my rush to find an answer for this critical question of what do I do... before 5 PM today! (and of course I have my previously scheduled serviceperson as she gets cold and heater not working right (yes I know common for everything to pile up; all at once.... I can't bother my brother about asking his advice...he is a F/T MD with a busy practice and telling him this what I just said to you would cause him to close his practice and fly here in 3 hours just to stay with her for the "one" Thursday I will be out (I am also going to be out of house Monday and Wednesday next week for same "Deadline" but that is it----a major months long project that bothered her every day will be all over...
Just I don't know who to ask how to handle this, how to keep her from knowing until I get back home Thursday (oh he is "important" there will be a phone call from the local senior center to tell everyone tomorrow or next day? I don't know how quickly they make funeral arrangements) what those arrangements are and she might get or hear the phone answering machine when I'm not home and therefore blow up in anger and despair for a while when I'm not there for her! Newspaper I'm smart enough not to give her Thursday, local newspaper, I'll lie again and say it "didn't come" but of course she is intelligent and will call them to deliver it to her during the day Thursday! SO I'm fried if the obituary appears then!