Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
Hi. I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly and frustrating situation.
So where do we start?
I see you have been using psychiatric medication for depression and it actually helped you to cope but not any longer.
yea, my dr. didn't diagnose me with depression. she just wrote me a prescription
it didn't solve anything. it just made it easier to forget
You need to come to terms with the fact that unless you address the core unresolved feelings from past personal issues affecting your sense of self-worthiness, trust, intimacy and more, no matter how positive intentions you may have of how powerful medication you get to numb the pain, you would not be able to rehabilitate
how should i address them?
forgetfulness or any form of repression, denial or avoidance are not solutions as you know from experience, but just delay necessary healing and worsen your situaiton
You are very young person and that's why it could be this overwhelming, but at the same time, it means you have the power to heal from the abuse you suffered and grow wiser and stronger from it
What is happening with you is that your subconscious mind is trying to protect you from getting hurt, abandoned, neglected or abused again...
leading you to sabotage your relationship. If this person truly respects you, cares about you, shows understanding, empathy, affection and support, then he deserves your presences and trust, but your wounding does not allow you to be open and vulnerable, since you fear he could hurt you too.
Does it make sense?
how do i overcome this?
You need to allow yourself to become vulnerable but while feeling safe and supported, to explore, identify and vet your feelings and pain, in order to truly emotionally process the abuse you suffer, for you to heal and from there to become truly present and own your power and freedom to shape your life without neglect, sabotage or distorted vulnerability or defenses.
Developing better coping skills, improving your sense of self-worthiness, confidence and assertiveness and much more.
This is the type of work that should be done in psychotherapy
It starts in sessions and continues and becomes concrete between sessions through the very experiences you create and promote implementing the work you do in therapy sessions and when by yourself.
should i talk to him about it?
i'm worried he'll be hurt by what i have to say
You need to
He will get hurt if you hide this from him, if he has been this good person all this time, then it would hurt him if you do not allow yourself to be truly honest and open towards him. This is essential, for him to understand and support you.
If this person is this good, he could be a wonderful source of support and healing for you, not replacing competent and consistent psychotherapy, but promoting your healing process while taking good care of your relationship, finding out with time how good you could work together, but doing your best.
he will be supportive, i'm sure. i just feel like my reasons are idiotic and cliche. like it's some sort of cop out for not being able to be with anyone for longer then a few months
Please confront such ideas with realistic and assertive thinking, since there is nothing unacceptable in your reasons, they are absolutely valid, and denying them would be destructive, pure self-sabotage and actually you would be fooling yourself doing it, when you do not need nor deserve any of this extra pain
You have been perpetuating this patter since you have not truly recover from the abuse you suffered and heal from the impact it created, and as long as you keep punishing or tormenting yourself because of it, instead of truly allowing yourself to get necessary support and work on yourself, becoming unconditionally gentle, patient, kind, understanding , compassionate and supportive with yourself, you would not be able to build not to enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships.
You developed defenses wen you were abused in order to cope and emotionally survive, now that you are older and need to build your own life, these defenses and ways of coping have become dysfunctional, they do not work anymore for you, and that's why you need to commit to work on yourself to learn healthier and more effective ways of coping, taking care of yourself, sharing and building relationships.
Please reflect on it and work on yourself with psychotherapeutic support and with your boyfriend help too. This is not easy but tough, but also necessary and absolutely worthy.
i thought that having someone who loved me would fix me, and now i'm realizing i don't know how to let someone love me
It won't, but you taking good care of yourself, doing the work only you can do with necessary professional support and his help, would make things work for sure.
okay. thank you
I will continue to be here willing to support you if you have any further questions or to follow up.