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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi I need an advice, Ive been meeting this man for a year.

Resolved Question:

Hi I need an advice, I've been meeting this man for a year. We were friends at the beginning and then we started going out for dates. We've never slept together before last week.


I broke my foot badly 4 months ago, I had a surgery and he was there for me... He looked after few times.
Once I thought our relation was blooming, he told me that he was committed with someone else but he still have feelings for me. How I'm so smart, attractive and enjoys being with me but he cants leave "her" because he has history with her... I was shocked that night And kept crying. The following day he came over to apologize and to check on me coz I was devastated. we had a fight but later I surrounded myself to him. I do realize how stupid and wrong this seems.

We met on a week later and done it again, however I couldn't stand the idea of him betraying her or me being the "other woman" in his life... I made up a fight and ended it with him.

But my heart is broken and it aches missing him, I'm sad and crying all the time...I can't sleep, I'm even unable to concentrate at my work and checking my mobile every now and then to see if he sent me something.

I need an advice on how to overcome this ... Please help
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Customer: Hi
Customer: thank you for your understanding
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome, this is truly overwhelming and very frustrating.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's shocking to find yourself that the person you trusted this much has been this dishonest to the point of hurting you so much.

Customer: It is, I know I did the right thing... But these feelings toward him are killing me
Customer: And that's one of the other things
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your feelings were based on the role he played, leading you to trust him, attaching yourself to his words and feelings, to the expectations you created about him, and then facing reality this way is traumatic, very painful.

Customer: That's the thing! He didn't seem manipulative ... He has brains, well-educated... He was decent during the year were dating and because he was jobless then... I thought he didn't want to progress in the relationship because of that
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have developed a very severe depression from this traumatic event, you were so vulnerable when you opened your heart and trusted this person, and finding out he was not being real, honest, is devastating, and that's why you are grieving this much.

Customer: And I've been through trauma 14 weeks ago when I broke my right foot... I was in my way to work and it was raining, I just slipped and fell down and broke my right foot in Hebrew places and had a surgery the following morning... They implanted plates and pins
Customer: This is why, I'm in pain, in shock and very broken heart
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then this shows you how skillful he has been in his manipulation, being this dishonest, misleading you ad your heart all this time...

Customer: Oh
Customer: How do you think I can over come this ... I need an advice
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely,he tool advantage of your vulnerability from the very beginning , all this time and did not care to cause all this such pain now.

Customer: Why would he wait for a year!?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

First you need to come to terms with the fact that the person you fell in love with does not really exist, that it's been an illusion.

Customer: Oh
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There is no way to know for sure, only he knows why he has done this, but what you know is that he was all this time presenting this fake reality fueling your attachment and affection

Customer: How would I set my mind on this?
Customer: I mean that this person was an illusion
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You had no way to know, since he played this role so well, that you just believed him, his words and the consistent actions that followed, what shows he is an expert manipulator who knew very well what he was doing.

Customer: And how to over come it ? Is my main concern... Coz it doesn't feel like me
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The best way to take good care of yourself since feeling this traumatized is through psychotherapy.

Customer: That's a relief, I mean it's good to know as I've been beating myself up for being stupid and not noticing the signs
Customer: Why, how it would help? I mean how psychotherapy would help
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have been mentally and emotionally traumatized by this overwhelmingly abusive person and his actions, and since it has happen this way, it has led you to feel this hurt.

Customer: And how would take care of myself ( I know it sounds naive and stupid) but I really don't know
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Psychotherapy could be like surgery and rehabilitation process for you r body, applied to your heart and soul. Like when you get a broken bone,and need to stop walking, get treatment, surgery and then resting for it to heal and then for you to regain mobility and strength.

Customer: I see
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It would not numb you like a psychiatric pill, but allow you to truly vent, get real relief by venting your feelings, processing your experinece and learning how to cope with the impact from this painful situation

Customer: I see
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The healing process is painful, it is not like using instant anesthesia to numb the pain, it is real healing and that's why it takes time, but would allow you to get wiser and stronger from it.

Customer: I really hope so
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is tough, but necessary and absolutely worthy, you need and deserve to have your peace, happiness and hope back, around people who truly respect and deserve your trust and love.

Customer: You're right
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your support system, family and close friends need to play an active role here, it is very important

Customer: I lost my brother and father few years ago, I don't have family... Few friends are around
Customer: But I feel shy and embarrassed to tell them about what happened between me and him
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your losses. They explain even more why you have been more vulnerable and have suffered this much for this person's abusive actions

Customer: I think you're right
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, you need to gently and consistently work on building and promoting a healthy support system, since it is essential for anybody,even more when tough life issues have happened

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

this is about you setting your healthy, happiness and well-being as number one priority in your life

Customer: I'll see what I can do with this matter ... I mean I will improve this part in life and try to be more social
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do so,commit to this process,it is about you, your health happiness and fulfillment

Customer: I will
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it is not easy at all but you can do this and will find yourself transformed for better

Customer: I really hope so
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please commit to your healing process with psychotherapeutic support

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am and will be here to support you as possible too. You can do this and will do it with the right support

Customer: If I may ask, do you provide psychotherapy?
Customer: Oh thank you
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure I do, I work face to face and online too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am willing to support you with confidential psychotherapy online if you feel comfortable with my support.

Customer: I don't know where you're located,,,, but I live in Sydney-Australia
Customer: So I think I will go with the online therapy
Customer: Yes, I felt comfortable with your support and understanding... Your analysis made sense and the mobile mania that I had since the last 6 days seems all of a sudden off
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then we can try this for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You do not have a subscription here correct?

Customer: No, I don't have
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good, since subscriptions here s incompatible with this service.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is the way it coudl work.

Customer: OK?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would need to post a new question -request under the Relationship category -direct t to me -Rafael. I will receive it, and reply with an offer for a counseling session with necessary information

Customer: I see
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I will deduct the fee you would offer to pay for this new question from th e counseling session fee, for you to pay only the feel for the counseling session and nothing more

Customer: Does that make a difference?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure it does. Instead of paying $90 for a one hour counseling session you would pay $70.

Customer: I see
Customer: What would you advice me to do in the very short coming days ?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Do not expose yourself to him at all, that could only deepen the pain and your vulnerability to be manipulated and wounded even more, and that's the last thing you want to afford

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He is like cocaine, thus you cannot rehabilitate fro him while you expose to him

Customer: And can I ask based on what you found him manipulative and abusive?
Customer: Oh, well he didn't contact me since the fight (I made up with him )
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Being this dishonest and then doing what he dis is absolutely insensitive and abusive for sure.

Customer: It's not like I'm trying to find him excuses... But my analysis was that he's so selfish
Customer: I see
Customer: it is insensitive indeed, especially he knew my cicromistances from the the beginning
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For sure he is, but not only selfish but the lack of caring and sensitivity, dismissing you feelings and the pain he was going to create are just shocking, incompatible with anything healthy or acceptable.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely!

Customer: It was so shocking
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet.

Customer: The moment he told me he was with someone else, it felt like my brain was about to blow... I could hear the blood flow drumming in my ears ... But later I gave myself to him the following day and now my heart aches missing him.... It makes me somehow beat myself up
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please forgive yourself, since here you have been only a victim, while he has been an insensitive perpetrator that knew from the very beginning everything he was doing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now you need to become the best friend and partner of yourself,

Customer: I see
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This overwhelming life experience is showing you the need you have to work on the most important relationship in your life, which is the one you have with yourself.

Customer: I do admire my achievements, my way of thinking and I love myself
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

By learning to truly understand, respect, love and support yourself in unconditional ways, you would be taking good care of yourself and life, and will not allow anybody to use, abuse , manipulate or neglect you.

Customer: I admit I'm a hard critic to myself too
Customer: I see
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The it is a unique chance for you to make further and very important improvements in your own journey.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is about you learning to be unconditionally gentle, patient, compassionate and supportive with yourself, specially when facing tough challenges and painful experiences.

Customer: I see
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This very painful life experience, could become the most powerful and positive chance for self-healing and growth if you know how to approach it working on yourself with real commitment and caring.

Customer: I will, coz I love myself enough
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Wonderful! Take your power back, for you to shape your reality the way you need and deserve, and you will not regret it for sure.

Customer: I really hope so
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I will be here to support you as possible. Live online counseling could use audio and video conferences to make a real face-to-face session which could be as beneficial as a traditional session, with extra advantages around time, availability, expertise, communication and more.

Customer: Thank you so much for the advice and analysis .... I was desperate this afternoon for someone brings back my rationality, I needed too know what I've done wrong and what was his fault and how I should overcome it
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please feel free to let me know if you want to try it and we d work on it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome

Customer: I will post the new question as you advised and we can start from there
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Than you for being this open and honest here, for your trust. I feel glad and honored to know it was this helpful.

Customer: Very helpful, you're welcome and thank you again
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perfect. Any inconvenience in the process, just let me know and we'd work on it, and hopefully we'd be able to schedule a first session when best for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks. Take gentle care and bye for now.

Customer: Bye
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(Remember to rate session. Thanks).

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
1851 Satisfied Customers
MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach