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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4824
Experience:  Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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For many years i have wanted to know the source or why i have

Resolved Question:

For many years i have wanted to know the source or why i have a particular odd fetish.
The fetish has been with me for as long as i can remember. Probably as early as pre teen age years.
I am a mid 50's straight professional male just wanting some answers if possible as to what may have started the fetish or anything you may add to help me understand it. Or myself for that matter.

The fetish involves having "nice feminine" fabric items put around my neck as a bib or cape. EG baby bibs, hairdressing capes or any fabric item around the house i like. EG a crisp white pillow case, or a feminine half apron, dish towel etc etc.

I know i am not the only one who likes the same thing (thanks to the internet), as i have for so many years thought i was a truly one off weirdo.
I told my wife to be before we got married which was some 33 years ago. She does not understand it at all, but has on the very rare occasion participated if i have asked for something. But i find i just can not ask her these days and have not done so for many years. I know she doesnt really want to do anything, so hence i don't ask. This in turn is making me so frustrated in more ways than one and it is starting to affect me.
I don't have a sexual relationship in any way and have not done so for years. My wife is just not into sex in any form at all.
Hoping you can help with answers, ideas, suggestions, or anything that may help.

Thank you
Dave
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 9 months ago.

Dr. Z :

Hello I believe I can help you with your concern

Dr. Z :

What you are describing is definitely called a Fetishistic Disorder, which is a Parphillic Disorder, but your therapist is right that this nothing to be concerned about. Many individuals have Fetishistic Disorders,as you could tell from your online research, and while they are uncommon, most are harmless.

Dr. Z :

As for why you have this disorder, no one can be certain as to the why because these types of disorders can appear from childhood and adolescent issues where you grew attached and/or comforted by this feeling of feminine fabric items around your neck and then that turned into a sexual arousal at one point.

Dr. Z :

Now the concern that I have is that because your wife does not participate in this behavior as often as you would like this can cause increased anxiety, stress, and depressive symptoms in you as well because you are not as sexually aroused as you could be if you partook in the fetish

Dr. Z :

So as for your original question, Fetishistic disorders can occur from an uncommon sexual attachment to an item for a variety of particular reasons that are not always known, around 80-90 percent of people do not know the cause of their fetishes, so the cause should not be a major concern for you. But because you have not been able to express it or have a deep intimate relationship with your wife for years, as you stated, has left you frustrated and stressed

Dr. Z :

I would suggest possible couple's therapy to help reinvigorate your relationship and hopefully through communication are able to bring more intimacy back into your relationship. It is possible that your wife feel turned off by your fetishes and that you are not as receptive to sexual intercourse without them, so this is why couples therapy will help both of you .

Dr. Z :

I see that you are offline right now, but when you get back online I would be very interested in continuing this discussion with you and talking about anything further you would like to share regarding your concern, so if you respond in the chat box I will be able to get back to you as soon as possible.

Customer:

Hello, and thanks for the detaled reply.

Customer:

My fetish does not involve or need the use of any of the items mentioned. I have never wanted normal sex using anything to do with my fetish items. I have always gone to great lengths to make sure the two do not cross paths. It has always been a "side play" thing for sexual pleasure. But with my wife not being a sexual person in any way, and totally closed minded, it is just so difficult. I have sat down and talked totally open with her on many occassions where she tells me she is "ok" with it. But i know she doesn't really like it or want it... but she still says it is ok. So i do not ask for anything at all, but wonder if i should just go for it on the basis that if she says ok then its ok...and not worry about what she thinks. Which is hard for me as i do care about what she thinks.

Dr. Z :

Well I think she says "ok" as way to be passive aggressive and not deal with the matter, but she does appear to disapprove of this behavior. Now because you know she disapproves of this behavior, this causes you anxiety, but also because she is not very sexual with you this leads to frustration and causes you to want to do this fetish more, so you are in a Catch-22 basically

Customer:

I meant to say that my wife would NEVER go to a councilor or even consider it. She is too closed shopfor that as i have suggested this in the past

Dr. Z :

Either way you will be anxious based on your wife's behavior. And if your wife does not want to go to a couple's therapist to help resolve this lack of intimacy, then I think you continuing the fetish behavior is fine and your best solution

Customer:

Are you saying that i should just ask for it when i feel the need and not worry about anything ?

Dr. Z :

I think you should ask for it, since you wife is not willing to compromise on the sexual intimacy issue as you described her as "closed minded" and then see how she reacts and hopefully this will at least lead to a meaningful discussion because the fetish in itself is not bad at all, it is just uncommon

Dr. Z :

So you should be free to ask for it and not be worried about it

Customer:

Ok, thanks for that. Your comments make me feel a little more at ease. It is just a shame my wife will not talk or discuss matters of importance. (anything), she is very much a head in the sand person and will never ever open up truly with her feelings or thoughts, and that is what makes it so difficult for me. I like to discuss things and get everything in the open and sort it all out one way or the other. So from now on i will just go with it, ask when i feel the need, and see how things go. And at worst i guess if i think it is not right from her reactions, then i just won't continue. I really do appreciate your comments. Thanks

Dr. Z :

I understand your concern completely and I agree that your wife should discuss these issues with you and communicate more effectively with you too, so at least a meaningful compromise that you both agree on can be reached. Hopefully in time she will see the importance of communicating about this issue with you since is it a big deal for you

Dr. Z :

Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Customer:

Ok thanks, XXXXX XXXXX just one last question, can you advise me on the best way to sit down with her to get her to open up and discuss her TRUE inner feelings on this, or any other issue.. i have tried many times, but she is so difficult to get to open up with her feelings. I would really love to hear her true inner thoughts and make decisions based on her respones. But maybe in the past i have just approached it the wrong way ?

Dr. Z :

Well typically if she is closed off like you described then it is possible that she is defensive and feel like you are blaming her, so what you would like to do is use a lot of "We" and "Us" statements to show that you are in this together. Also you want to go off and express your faults and concerns about yourself as well as hers, to show that there is equal footing here.

Dr. Z :

Basically showing that this is not about just her will help her feel more comfortable towards you

Customer:

You have her down to a tee there lol, ok, that is very helpfull and i will go down that road. Thank you and this have been really good. I feel much better with everything now.

Dr. Z :

Anytime, I am happy that I was able to help you regarding this matter and I truly hope that your wife will communicate and meet you half-way on this issue. My goal is to provide you with excellent service, so if you ever have any further questions or concerns please do not hesitate to contact me at anytime. Before you sign off though, I would very much appreciate if you could rate my performance in helping you so that I can get credit for this question. Thank you very much

Customer:

I will certainly do that... and if in the future i would like to contact you re this issue, how would i do that ?

Dr. Z :

You are more than welcome to contact me, all you have to do is put "For DoctorZ only" before you type a question or the best way is to bookmark this link to my homepage and ask your question directly to me.

Customer:

Brilliant, thank you. All the best and hope you can help many others on here.

Dr. Z :

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX appreciate the compliment

Dr. Z :

I wish you all the best :)

Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 4824
Experience: Psy.D. in Clinical Forensic Psychology with a background in treating severe mental illnesses.
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